One less day

My heart is heavy tonight as I am writing this. The above title pertains to Kennedy and mine's countdown to when he will come home from Afghanistan. And right now we are at "one less day" because we aren't sure the exact number of days until he gets there. Right now, he is en route. The past 48-72 hours have been interesting for us.
Sunday night, Kennedy had to be on post at 11:30 pm. He had to take the military van to the airport with 2 other guys that are late deployers to make a 6:00 am flight in Kansas City (which is 2.5ish hours away from where we live in Kansas).
All day Sunday, 11:30 pm loomed over our heads. It was a day of spending a lot of time laughing and just being together and lounging around...Kennedy was finishing up packing, I was trying to pack, and every other moment my emotions would go crazy...crying every minute it felt like. I just knew 11:30 pm was going to come and I couldn't stop it. One of Kennedy and mine's favorite movies is You've Got Mail...to which we have given each other the nicknames: shopgirl and NY152...so in the midst of tears, Kennedy has a way of making me smile by saying "Don't cry, shopgirl, don't cry". And somehow, that phrase brightens my face with a smile. I asked him yesterday what his "152" is...I think we decided it would be the number of chicken casseroles I would make him in our life together.
Back to Sunday. I dropped him off on post...literally, dropped him... I got out and gave him a quick hug, because his arms were loaded with 6 bags...he looked like a packing mule. Soooo many bags. I felt helpless in helping him carry them, and he looked helpless, but he is much stronger and got them into the building no problem! He turned around in the cold snowy night and waved goodbye as I got in my car....and cue the unstoppable tears. I sobbed, called my mom (who had stayed awake to talk to me), and then my dear friend called me on my lonely drive to the apartment. The words she spoke and her encouragement were JUST what I needed in those moments.
For a few weeks now, I have not prayed about Kennedy's deployment...simply because I was frustrated. I have been upset with the fact that our plans have changed...that God has somehow seen it more fit to have us apart after only having lived together for less than a month as a married couple...and I have not wanted to go to him with this situation. I have wanted to clam up and not have to bring this to the Lord. So that night, I was telling my friend how I knew I needed to go to the Lord, I knew both Kennedy and I need His strength, but I felt like I couldn't pray because I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like I could muster up the faith to know what to voice to God. My friend brought up the lyrics to "Come Ye Sinner"...If you have time, you should look up the lyrics...but the part she pointed out was the verse that says- without money, without money, come and buy.
No matter the condition we are in, Jesus still bids us to come. He LONGS for us to come to Him. The first verse says- come ye sinners poor and wretched, weak and wounded, sick and sore, Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity love and pow'r.
I love that part too. I have felt weak, my heart is wretched, I am poor and have little faith...but Jesus ready stands to save me...even in that condition? really? My faith is based on what He has done. I needed this beautiful Gospel spoken to me...I need it spoken over and over again.
So before going to sleep, I cried ALOUD and voiced my feelings to God...telling Him how much I needed his strength...how much Kennedy needs His strength...and ultimately telling Him my faith was small in these moments, but oh how I knew my need for Him! And praying that He would give me a sense of knowing, even in the smallest of ways, that He would meet me right there in the broken condition I found myself. And He did.
I mentioned all of this to Kennedy over a poor Wi-Fi connection via Skype yesterday...and he emailed me saying that God was reaching out to me through friends, family, etc. even when I didn't feel like reaching out to Him. Truth. Sidenote: something that we did for his deployment was switch Bibles...so he took my scribbled in/crinkly Bible with him and I have his study Bible. Crazy and ironic, but we have both stated how much closer we feel reading the other one's Bible.
Back to Monday now. Barely getting any amount of sleep Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning not feeling that tired...but feeling an overwhelming sadness...again, with uncontrollable tears and emotions.
I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me, but was looking forward to time to think, pray, and then talk to friends/family. it was a long drive! but so thankful for people in our lives that are lifting us up in prayer- they are lifting Kennedy up in prayer, for his safety and safe return, and they are praying for comfort for both of us. (And God painted an amazing sunset on my drive through Arkansas...with pinks and oranges overflowing to the snow covered ground.)
It is hard to put into words how Kennedy's love for me has given me glimpses of Christ's love for me. His sacrifice and willingness to give of his time and energy for others is inexpressible. But his love and commitment to prayer and his faith and to trusting and obeying the Lord's Will have inspired me tremendously.
So this begins a 4/5-6 month time apart from each other. Praying for clarity for his job that he will know what he will be doing once he gets over there...for comfort in times of loneliness/sadness that we will experience, and for safety, and for finding time to spend in reading the Bible while he is there.
We are together praying for this experience to be strengthening for our relationships with God first and foremost, and strengthening for our marriage.
Some verses I have found comforting through this:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand". Isaiah 14:24 (I know it, Lord, but help me believe)
"O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful, and sure...For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat...And he will swallow up on this mountain, the covering that is cast over all peoples; the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from ALL faces..."Isaiah 25:1-4,8
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4

John 5:1-17, the Gospel

So kennedy and I last night went to a Bible study through a start-up PCA church plant, Manhattan Presbyterian Church….which was just started very recently here in Manhattan, KS...which is GREAT because kennedy and I were wanting to find a church that had similar views and doctrine that we were both brought up on.

Kennedy and I have both been really excited about this church and seeing how the Lord blesses the pastors’ efforts and their ministry. I have never been a part of a church plant, but to me, it is really exciting! Although I can kindof see the difficult realities/challenges it may face.

I left the Bible study feeling refreshed because of 1)the community and 2)the passage that we studied. I love studies in which there is a lot of discussion but the leader kind of slowly takes you through each verse and discusses meanings behind certain words or the context of the passage in general. I love going deeper into the Word.

Last night, the passage we studied was from John 5:1-18 (the healing at the pool). I don’t want to go boringly into talking about every single part that we touched on, but I found this passage encouraging and a great reminder of the Gospel and the good news we share in and are able to share with others. This is an amazing story of healing…and not just physical healing but it has great spiritual implications. So in this passage, Jesus purposely goes to this pool Bethesda, which was known for its “mythical” healing powers…the water would stir up quickly and you had to go into the pool while it was stirred up in order to be healing. Verse 3 says “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.” There were multitudes of basically outcasts or invalids- which Brian our pastor said meant that these were people who were too sick to care for or do anything for themselves. The one that Jesus goes to out of the many was one who the passage says had been there for 38 years…we are not told how old he is, but he was there for probably most of his life. Jesus picked him out of everyone there and the Bible says He already knew his condition and the first thing he asks the man is, “Do you want to get well?” The man’s reply is not a “YES! NOW!” It is almost an explanation of his condition- telling Jesus, whom he did not know was Jesus at that time, “Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me”. So this man is apparently the hopeless of the hopeless…among the lowest of low in that area. He can’t get into the “healing pool” himself nor does he have anyone who will help him in…and he says, “while I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me”. Jesus says to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk”. The man picks up his mat and walks.

The rest of the passage is about the Sabbath- the man finds out that who healed him was Jesus…he also finds out that the Jews are angry because Jesus was working on the Sabbath and performing miracles….the Jews were mad at Jesus and at the man for picking up his mat and walking.

These are some things that came up in our discussion of this passage & things that struck me as I was reading this and humbled by and reminded of the Gospel!:

-       Jesus goes to this place, knowing already what He would be doing (and even on the Sabbath, breaking the rule of working and performing miracles)

-       Jesus picks out one invalid to save- a helpless, hopeless sick man whose condition has basically become his identity…what are the spiritual implications of this? We are in this same “condition” as sinners…we are helpless/hopeless without our Savior, Christ. But He comes to us, finds us in this condition, knows our condition, but says, Get up! Pick up your mat and walk. He is the GREAT healer…spiritually. And physically.

-       Jesus could have healed the whole multitude of people there- this raises questions of why didn’t He? Why did He just save the one? This led into discussion of “election” and why some are chosen to be children of God and some are not. This is something that leaves God mysterious and something that we don’t understand on this earth.

-       The invalid’s response to Jesus’ question of if he wants to be well or be healed is not YES! It is telling Him of his condition…

-       The invalid doesn’t even ask Jesus who He is! This man who is telling Him to get up pick up his mat and walk! He doesn’t say- Hey, who are you? And are you really going to heal me? Instead, he, in his helpless condition with nothing else to do in his state, obeys and follows Jesus’ instruction…without even knowing who Jesus is! Talk about Jesus meeting someone and healing someone with no faith…a lot of times I think I have to have all my ducks in a row when it comes to my faith, but Jesus meets this man, a sinner, and also a sick, hopeless outcast and heals him, and the man listens and obeys Jesus. Jesus meets me where I am in my faith…whether I have strengthened faith or not…He listens to me, He knows my condition, and still He shows compassion and mercy. What a loving God. What a great piece of Good News! Not for me to hold on to and keep in, but to share.

There are so many things about Jesus I overlook, forget, and need to be reminded of or new things I need to be pointed to about who He is, what He did for me, and what my faith is based upon…it is not based on how much faith I have or trust of Him I have at certain times…it is based on His work, His death, His life, and what He did for me. He simply asks us to believe Him, believe what He did, and trust His truths. And then share with others the Gospel.

I’m thankful that my God does not leave us in our helpless, hopeless human condition, but He has come and healed by His death and His resurrected life. He is compassion, merciful, and His love is unconditional and endless, no matter where I am.

A quick update and then I am done (with the longest blog post ever!). Kennedy is deploying Dec 09…and will be gone for the longest of 146 days…which means he should be back by the beginning of May at the very latest. We are keeping our apartment here in KS, and I will be back home for several months while he is gone and will come back and forth to KS and permanently settle back probably in March. We are so grateful still for family, friends, etc. who are praying for this change…and we are finding the joy in being able to spend time together and here in KS (I have been cooking… A LOT—K loves my chicken casserole that I have made 2 times and making again tonight, and pumpkin muffins that I’ve made twice) and also in the fact that God has His hands in all of it and is holding us up…even though there are periods of times or days where I don’t want to see the joy and I just want to be sad and think- I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO US!

I am just in prayer that God would teach us both things that grow us spiritually and strengthen our relationship and marriage and our faith in His plan and His control & sovereignty.

lift my life up

This song has been an encouragement to me lately. I started listening to it on Sunday morning...as my mom and I drove all day Saturday, this song came on the radio several times en route. The lyrics stuck in my head. On our drive, I was thinking about the changes Kennedy and I were about to enter into---living in Kansas, a new place for both of us, being a married couple, and the first time we have lived life together. 

Mom and I got to Kansas Saturday afternoon. We were able to stop through STL and visit with a good friend for breakfast. We were on a mission, though, to get to Manhattan, KS! We got here, unloaded my car, and rested a bit before going to dinner.

Sunday morning my mom left. It was a weird feeling. We dropped my mom off at the airport, I gave her a big hug and she told Kennedy (through little tears), "Take care of our girl!"

So, Kennedy and I were off to start married military life together- the day to day life! On Sunday afternoon we went to the gym (of course...if you know us, you know we like exercising together), and I you-tubed this video "Lift My Life Up". I listened to it over and over again, and with the thought in my head that God is faithful...He has brought me this far...why do I question things about His sovereignty or His plan? And now that Kennedy and I are married, we were starting off making "plans" and doing things together on a daily basis. 

Then Monday morning came. Kennedy and I ate breakfast and he left for work. I started getting excited about organizing everything in our apartment and emptying my boxes so I could get some of our floors looking like normal instead of cluttered with my "stuff". I was folding clothes, hanging clothes, cleaning the kitchen, etc. when Kennedy called me at about 9:30. A backstory to this is that Kennedy and I have been through a roller coaster of military life...which is apparently "normal" to be told one thing but do another. Back in the summer, Kennedy was told he would be deploying. So, we prayed/discussed about getting married in August before he would leave in September. We decided to go ahead and get married in Kansas...then September rolled around and the unit in Afghanistan became "on the fence" about their decision for if Kennedy would deploy...they said we will probably need you, then 2 weeks later they would say never mind we may not need you, then a few days/weeks later they said he was for sure not going. THAT was a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. I was semi-mentally prepared for him leaving, then became really excited about that he wasn't going and that I could move out to KS sooner than expected...we could also move up our wedding celebration to sooner (originally it was June, and we could move it to the spring). Excitement but also disappointment for Kennedy that he wouldn't deploy- this was something he wanted to do for his career. So forward we went in planning for me to move to KS sooner, wedding celebration plans unfolding sooner, and me quitting my job in Nash, packing, and finding a roommate to take my place at my condo...everything panned out how we were hoping...and forward we pressed on! 

So back to Kennedy calling me at 9:30 Monday morning. Happily unpacking and listening to the Lift My Life Up song by Unspoken, I answered the phone kind of thinking Kennedy was calling to tell me he was on his way home...but instead I answered and Kennedy says "Hey...what would you think about you moving back to Memphis for 6 months?"and I said..."What are you talking about?" And he said, "I was just told I am deploying....leaving in like 7-10 days, gone for 6 months". My heart fell in my stomach...I kindof choked and said, "Are you serious???" And he said, "Yeah, not joking, and I've gotta go talk to some people about details and I'll call you back". I choked back tears and didn't know what to say. I sat in the floor I was unpacking and tears just started coming. I waited to call my mom until Kennedy had more specific info. But as soon as he called me back and said he would come home and talk with me about everything, I called my mom and told her, and cried more. Her reaction was priceless...I kept asking "What are we supposed to do now?! What about Kennedy? I don't understand why he has to go!!" I continued to sit on the floor and pray asking the Lord WHY and WHAT IN THE WORLD DID HE HAVE IN STORE FOR US WITH HIS PLANS? WHY CAN'T HE STICK WITH THE PLAN WE HAD? WHY CAN'T THESE PEOPLE MAKE UP THEIR MINDS? 

So, Kennedy came home during lunch and we sat at the table and talked about it...and I cried more...but I remembered my mom saying that my job was to support Kennedy, that this wasn't his doings but the military's way of doing things and that I needed to be strong and rely on the Lord's will, plan, and timing for everything and that everything was going to be okay. I told Kennedy I didn't want him to go as he was telling me he didn't want to go and leave me...but I told him this was his job and my mom said everything would be fine and I could move back to Memphis/travel/etc. 

SO. since Monday we have been processing this information, feeling so loved/cared for/prayed for/supported/ and encouraged by so many. 

what are we learning? God's plan is better than ours...even though we don't see it. His plan is PERFECT. He is faithful. Why do we have to question Him when things don't go our way? we are also learning the importance of prayer, relying on the Word of God, and the importance of other believers and community who come alongside us and pray and encourage us, in which we only hope we can do the same for our friends & family in praying and encouraging them. 

More updates to come. Tentatively K Fish is leaving Dec4...and gone through April.

So here are the lyrics and the video. Enjoy!

good quotes

Live your lives in love, the same sort of love which Christ gives us, and which He perfectly expressed when He gave Himself as a sacrifice to God.

-Corrie Ten Boom

Helpfulness means, initially, simple assistance in trifling, external matters. There is a multitude of these things wherever people live together. Nobody is too good for the meanest service. One who worries about the loss of time that such petty, outward acts of helpfulness entail is usually taking the importance of his own career too solemnly.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"He makes us wait. He keeps us in the dark on purpose. He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for he has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in".

Elisabeth Elliott

best summer of my life

(I FOUND THIS POST SAVED IN MY "DRAFTS" FOLDER THAT I NEVER POSTED...HAD TO POST IT!)

so half of 2013 is gone, and I can say that this year has been the best year I have ever had. i met the man i will spend the rest of my life with in April, and we got engaged in July... our life is "to be continued" together.
it is fun to think back on all of our weekends of meeting up. we actually met on e harmony and were matched up on a Sunday in the beginning of April. i ended up messaging him first, because i saw on his profile that he was related to a girl i knew at auburn- his sister n law- and another was his sister i had met right before i left auburn that were both involved in RUF. after that message, we ended up talking and met up that next weekend in Huntsville. then we had a couple of weekends where we had conflicts and couldn't meet up, but the last weekend of april until today, we have seen each other every weekend- we may have missed one weekend of being together.
kennedy has impacted my life and world in so many ways. he is a strong leader and compassionate person, very deeply rooted in his faith and knowledge of Jesus. he is loving and caring and giving of his time and goes out of his way, putting others before himself. this has been a wonderful example for me to aspire to be more like- which has inspired me to look more at Jesus and long to be more like Him.
we have experienced so much together in already a short amount of time, but as we are telling people, when we knew, we just knew. i had no doubts or hesitations in my mind from the beginning that God created kennedy for me to love the rest of my life!

new chapter of life

i have this verse on a reminder that goes off every night at 8 pm...isaiah 41:10- fear not for I am with you. be not dismayed for i am your God. i will strengthen you, i will help you, i will uphold you by my righteous right hand.

well the time has come- the closing of one chapter of my life and next weekend will be the beginning of a new chapter. tomorrow is my last day at kemp dental. words can't express the atmosphere of this place...one word description would be: love. the love shared daily among co-workers and overflowing to patients. 

i am holding the verses above in memory... i know God will strengthen me, He will be my help, and He will be with me. 

the past year and a half have been hard at times, but have opened my eyes to the importance of my relationship with Christ and with that, my longing and my need for Him, and to the importance of community- to the richness and deepness of friendships that have encouraged me.  a whole new thing my eyes have been opened to is loving others...no matter their background or home life or address...but simply loving people. and i have learned this from the people that surround me on a daily basis. they are giving of their time, resources, and energy for others. these are the type of people i need around me!

and here i am at the closing of a chapter. and the beginning of a new one..kennedy and i are married and so excited to be moving to kansas. it is bittersweet to be leaving nashville and be far from friends and family, but it is exciting and something we are looking forward to! 

tomorrow night i leave for memphis and am there a week to pack up everything there and then next thursday i have my big master's project presentation and friday my mom and i will leave for st louis and then the day after we will drive the rest of the way to ks.

i am overwhelmed with emotions...i cried on the way to work this morning and then right before i got out of my car, kennedy called, and i was talking about it being almost my last day with my friends @ kemp's...then i was talking about all the packing and everything i have to do before actually moving and started crying even more. and kennedy said, "don't cry, shop girl, don't cry". he has a way of making me smile through my pitiful tears.

there wasn't really a point to this post, other than an update...and a venting of emotions/things going on in my head. my posts haven't been all that organized or informational. but here is the update for now.

His loving kindness begins afresh each day...

Oh how I am savoring this promise tonight- God's loving kindness begins afresh each day- Lamentations 3:23. I needed to read this tonight.
Looking back on the past year of my life, things have changed tremendously. There are many many things that could be different had I made some different decisions in 2012. Thankfully, God is faithful and has been pursuant of drawing me to His plan for my life, when I had a "plan A" for myself that I thought was best for me. God has definitely shown me how His timing and plans are perfect for me, and I have to be patient and trusting Him in every step He shows me...thank goodness He is faithful in His loving pursuit of His children.
My life is going through many changes....and has BEEN going through changes since April when I met Kennedy. I am picking up life in Nashville and heading west to Kansas very soon, like in a few weeks. I am wedding planning and packing and finishing school. I am beyond thankful for Kennedy's patience and steadfastness in Christ- he keeps me grounded and growing in my faith.
In the midst of life and stuff and chaos going on, I'm finding it difficult to remember to trust and pray, especially pray. Prayer for me ebbs and flows. I go through phases of consistent prayer and communication with God...and then when life becomes crazy and I put other things in higher priority than spending time with Him, I lack in my closeness and reliance on Him...
I am reading through some of my old journals tonight before I go to sleep and thinking back on where I was not just a year ago but even 2-3 years ago and what I thought my life would look like then. I was in constant prayer for direction and wisdom and the Lord's strength to make it through difficult things. I read this tonight and want to take it to memory, especially during this time of my life: "A life filled with prayer is a life of great blessing"- Richard Pratt.
I forget who shared this with me, but I also wrote this down in 2008 in my journal while I was a counselor at KIVU in colorado- "peace wraps around your heart when you're able to trust God for just today and not be burdened with the if onlys, what ifs, and whys".
There are going to be continuous times of "life" and letting "life" and other priorities take precedence over our relationship and time with God...What I've been reading and thinking on tonight is "God IS" and that we can come to Him, He longs for us to come. He is MY rock. I am in a state of constant need for Him, for all that He is, for His character, His grace, His love, His rest, His mercy, His strength. And I don't deserve any of His goodness and faithfulness.
Ps 40- Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me; you are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.
I Chron 29- David's Prayer- Everything comes from you; I know my God that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity, then David said to the whole assembly, "praise the Lord your God". So they ALL praised the Lord, the GOD of their fathers; they bowed low and fell prostrate before the Lord and the King.
This is a scatter-brain post, mainly because my thoughts have been all over the place. But when I blog or read certain passages of Scripture or a quote I wrote down 5 years ago in a journal, I had no idea at that time where I would be now or experiences friends would go through that would teach me more about who God is- even if their experiences were painful. Last quote I will type out, and I thought of friends who are going through changes and hard things when I read this (from my journal in 01/05/2008):
"O fill me with your fullness, Lord, until my very heart o'er flow in kindling thought and glowing word your love to tell, your praise to show.
O use me, Lord, use even me, just as you will and when and where, until your blessed face I see, your rest, your joy, your glory share".- 'Lord Speak to me that I may Speak'- Havergal, 1872