Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season. I love everything fall...the cooler weather, pumpkins, the colors of the leaves changing. At the beginning of fall this year, I could not have told you it was my "favorite". It has been my most difficult season of life. However, God has shown me His blessing and the power of His work in my heart that I would not have known if I had not gone through the difficulties. Blessings have come in all forms- people, provision of jobs, a newness of God's Word, and restoring work by the Spirit, and I am thankful.
A while back, my pastor in Memphis recommended a book he had read by Mark Buchanan called "Spiritual Rhythm- Being with Jesus every season of your soul". If you have not read it, you should check it out. For fall, this is what he describes:

"Biblically, fall captivates for a different reason: it's harvest time...The window between bumper crop and famine was an eye of the needle, narrow sometimes as a single day. A good crop was cause for great rejoicing. A blighted crop, deep distress. Harvest was a time to acknowledge God as provider: rainmaker, sun-keeper, storm-quencher. The season proved, yet again, God's enduring faithfulness. And it demonstrated, yet again, the utmost dependency of God's children on his faithfulness. The heart in fall is, in a word, expectant. Fall is for reaping and for storing, but it's also for feasting and thanking. I can choose what I sow. I can choose, because I have the Spirit, to sow that which pleases the Spirit. I can nurture the little seedlings of the Spirit's promptings- promptings to be a man of peace, of gentleness, of self-control, of love, and the like. And in due time, I will reap a harvest that's worth storing up.

My prayer is for the Lord's help in choosing to sow what pleases Him- in whatever season I am in- and to be thankful and look expectantly towards what is to come- something far greater than any disappointment or even earthly desire. 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of the Lord is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'. And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making ALL THINGS NEW'." Revelation 21:3-5

"Keep a Quiet Heart"- Elisabeth Elliot

My heart and mind are quick to forget that this is where I find the most joy- in truly being still, sitting and getting full on God's Word and writing His Truths in my journal and asking Him to press them on my heart. I'm sitting at Panera in my "quiet place" after just getting off the phone with a dear friend. I had already planned on coming to indulge myself in reading and writing, but after crying and catching up on life, she reminded me that one of the best and most necessary things we need as Christians is to be STILL. I've probably blogged about this before, but this afternoon, I am treasuring this time. I'm brought to tears thinking that my King wants more than anything to spend time with me, His child. I can't help but think He smiles when our thoughts are focused on Him.

My thoughts haven't really been about Him, to be honest. My thoughts today have been, "It's almost October...How much longer will my HcG levels be too high where we can't think about getting pregnant again?" Every time I look at my calendar I think about our loss and it invokes sadness, but then I think of future days and how impatient I become when my desire for the now is to be pregnant again. My longing has been for this earthly desire...when David says in Psalm 107:9,
For HE satisfies the longing soul, and the HUNGRY soul He fills with GOOD things. 
I'm asking the Lord to quiet my heart and my mind with all its questioning thoughts and to help me to be satisfied in Him. I love this quote I have written-

"Jesus, let our faithful mind rest, on Thee alone reclined; Every anxious thought repress, Keep our souls in perfect peace."- Charles Wesley

One of my favorite books is "Keep a Quiet Heart". When I am intentionally going to read somewhere, I'll take it with me and re-highlight some favorite quotes from dear Elisabeth. Before I add in some of her wisdom below, I am reading some entries in my journal that I have scribbled...
from Jesus Calling "Listening to HIM: I am speaking in the depths of your being...BE STILL so you can hear my voice. Living close to Me requires making Me your first love- your highest priority".
"Trust in Him at ALL times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for GOD is our Refuge." Ps 62:8
Lord, I trust you, I believe you, but help my trust and belief in difficult times. Help me to trust you at ALL times. 

My prayer is that this time today brings me closer to Him and my days would be filled with His presence- captivating my thoughts and my heart's desire and my trust would be strengthened, my joy deepened in Him. Elisabeth E. says, "If through losing what this world prizes we are enabled to gain what it despises- treasure in heaven, invisible and incorruptible- isn't it worth any kind of suffering? What is it worth to us to learn a little bit more of what the Cross means- life out of death, the transformation of earth's losses and heartbreaks and tragedies? Poverty has not been my experience, but God has allowed in the lives of each of us some sort of loss, the withdrawal of something we valued, in order that we may learn to offer ourselves a little more willingly, to allow the touch of death on one more thing we have clutched so tightly, and thus know fullness and freedom and joy that much sooner. We're not naturally inclined to love God and seek His Kingdom. Trouble may help to incline us- that is, it may tip us over, put some pressure on us, lean us in the right direction".

My Portion and My Strength- Ellie Holcomb

"Help me to know stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand...Help me believe---that You will be my portion and my strength"

I have begun to appreciate more than ever the friendships God has given me. Even in the rush of day to day life, short conversations or even texts can be uplifting and encouraging to our circumstances. I have found that especially with friends and family not in Kansas, it is hard to work around busy schedules and find time to sit and talk on the phone for minutes or hours at a time. Texting has been my "go-to" as far as communication goes. The reason I tell you this is because for the past couple of weeks, the Lord has used a text my sister in law sent that said this, "It can be hard to carry this type of burden. Thankfully we are yoked onto God who shoulders it for us". I simply needed to remember and believe, God is shouldering my burden of weariness and worry. For about a week, I was exhausted. I was in constant busy-ness, worry, and a state of mind that was trying to be in control or fix things going on...but hearing these words, I felt something huge lifted off of me. I felt lighter and free. My sister in law probably did not know that at that time this treasure from the Lord was used in my life, but it was and still is. So here we are almost a month and a half after the miscarriage occurred. I think time does heal, but more importantly, the Lord is teaching me that HE alone heals our deepest wounds. As I go about the busyness of my days, I don't have time to think about what's happened, which is good; but last night before we went to sleep, I laid my head on the pillow and all of the sudden, I just started crying. Poor Kennedy SO dislikes when I cry, that he wants to know what is wrong and will ask until I am able to tell him. Last night I felt so silly that I started crying out of the blue. But telling him my hurt was another burden lifted, and another reminder that Christ takes on our burdens for us and beckons us to call out to Him and lay our burdens down. 

I love this song by Ellie Holcomb- SO good. 

John Piper

Loving this quote from John Piper that comes towards the end of this song: 

"Not only is your affliction momentary, not only is your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is TOTALLY meaningful.

Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism, I don't care if it was slander or sickness, it wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It's not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing, don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and it takes her out, don’t say ‘it’s meaningless’, its not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore DO NOT lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”

John Piper

Praise

So I feel like the last few posts have been marked by honesty- my complaints before God, uncertainty at times how to continue grieving but also finding the joy that we have in Him.
Do you ever have those moments where your heart is full of gratitude and you can't help but stop whatever you're in the middle of and praise the Lord in prayer, thanking Him for all of the good things, even the "bad" things in your life? You stop and are comforted that the Holy Spirit is at work in your heart- He's doing something!
Yesterday, I had one of those moments that brought me to the verge of tears (and I was driving, which is never good through eyes filled with liquid). And they were tears of joy.
I shadowed a hygienist yesterday at a non-profit organization's dental clinic where I will hopefully be working every Tuesday. I talked with the dental director there, also a hygienist, about hours and my role in the clinic. This job, and the job I have as a clinical instructor at the dental hygiene program here, are two of my "dream jobs" in this field.
In the car on the drive back was one of those moments where my heart was bursting with gratitude and praise. After calling my mom, I shut off the radio and just started thanking the Lord out loud for His provision.

God has proven over and over again that He knows exactly where I am, exactly what I need, and although it may not be what I think I need at that time, He is faithful in carrying me through it and allowing me to know more of Him. I thought of these verses from Psalm 104 that say, 

"O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom you have made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These are look to you, to give them their food in due season. When you give it to them, they gather it up; When you open your hand, they are filled with good things...May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works. I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being". 

HE provides. Praise. Rejoice. We have MUCH in Him.

new normal

This morning, I am having a hard time putting down a book that a good friend sent me in the mail: "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith, a woman of faith who lost a baby that lived for two hours. At 18 weeks pregnant with her daughter, the doctors diagnosed the baby with conditions that would leave the baby "incompatible with life". I think it goes without saying, that this morning as I read this book, my face is covered with tears and I can't put it down.
My new normal these days is trying to get through each day without dwelling on our circumstances and hoping that the pain will lessen and lessen and just eventually disappear. I try to avoid eye contact with new mommies in grocery stores, because I'm not sure if I can handle the pain that is still so real that I feel in my heart and stomach. I try to keep in my tears when I think about what is physically going on in my body and that I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I try to hold it together and seem strong when faced with the question- "How are you doing?" I try to avoid thinking that- YES, the world, and life continue to go on around me, when I just want time to stop so I don't have to continue in my grieving. My new normal is that I am "TRYING", which is because I have always been tough. My personality is that when something has hit me in my circumstances with a striking blow, I am sad for a little bit, and then I make myself move on and try to forget the pain. What I am realizing through this loss and time of grief is the Lord whispering to me in my sadness, "Danielle, let yourself be weak. Come to me with your tears and let Me hold you." He is the only One I can trust with my weakness, for then, He will make me strong. My new normal is to stop trying and forcing, and instead, know my weakness and give all to the Lord. The other day, I had an FRG welcoming party for a wife to one of the new commanders at Fort Riley. All of the spouses were invited. Although I do well in meeting new groups of people, I felt that whole day that for some reason I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't put on a mask that day to fake being "OK" and "I'm good, how are you" phrasing. That afternoon before our church service (and the FRG party following), Kennedy asked me if I wanted to go. I broke down in tears and said "I don't know". I told him that I have not felt my normal self the past week and a half since we found out about the miscarriage. I told him I am usually excited to go and meet new people, but I just couldn't do it that day. A huge part of me wanted to go to be a support for Kennedy since he will be taking command soon and I want my actions to reflect well on his career and role in the unit. I told him I have always been able to, even in sadness, pick myself up and go and do things which usually ends up being good for me. He just let me cry with my head on his chest and said in his calming voice, "Hey..Danielle...I know you are strong. I know you CAN do this and go, but what I care about right now is not what makes me look good- I care about you." Of course, my tears flowed even more. Another instance where God was speaking to me- "Let yourself be weak, for then I am strong".
I made it to church a couple of hours after that conversation with Kennedy...throughout the hymns we sang as a congregation, I fought back tears. We sang "O Church Arise" and this verse ignited emotions:

"So Spirit, come, put strength in every stride, Give grace for every hurdle,

That we may run with faith to win the prize

Of a servant good and faithful. 

As saints of old still line the way, Retelling triumphs of His grace,

We hear their calls and hunger for the day 

When, with Christ, we stand in glory".

And from "It Is Well With My Soul":

"When peace like a river

Attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

WHATEVER my lot

Thou has taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul".

WHATEVER my lot. "Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight". I dog-eared pretty much every other page in this book by Angie Smith..Here are some parts I found that have been my experience that she puts so well into words:

"He isn't threatened by my heartbreak and questioning any more than He is threatened by a rainstorm. He knows that rain will fall. He knows that I will fall. And so, on a long drive home, I gave my deepest hurt to the Father who wanted nothing less than every bit of it. What I needed to learn about myself was clear in that moment...I DID believe in Him enough to call out. I trusted Him enough to share the brokenness, even though He already knew it all."

"We saw each other for what we were- women who were often just going through the motions of NORMALCY, partly for our children and partly for ourselves. I began to realize that THIS was going to be a part of my new life because the world has a way of going on all around you even when you are in the depths of sorrow that belie its pace and fervor."

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."

Job 13:15

One year ago

One year ago today, Kennedy and I got married. After much counsel with our parents and our pastors last August when we found out Kennedy was to deploy, we made the decision to get married at Fort Riley and have a "celebration" in 2014 when Kennedy would return. It is funny to think back on the thoughts whirling in our minds. We made pro/con lists about going ahead and getting married before he left...I overanalyzed the fact that I was still working and was in Nashville and what would people think? Would they think we were getting married for other reasons than why we really were? I can remember vividly what I was thinking the week or two before we got married. But past all of the thoughts, our prayer was that we would decide based on what the Lord wanted for us and based on the counsel we sought from our pastors and parents. It was the day before we were leaving for Memphis that we both had unexplainable peace that we knew getting married was the right decision. We drove to Memphis from Nashville, spent the night with my parents...told them our decision. And the next morning I got up and walked with my dad to talk about marriage, any other words of wisdom he could share, and to tell him how much we loved him and appreciated him and my mom. And then we drove the long 10 1/2 hours to Kansas, checked into our hotel rooms, and grabbed dinner, watched a movie, and prayed that the next day we would be able to get a judge to sign a waiver that would allow us to go ahead and get a marriage license over the weekend (when in Kansas there is a 3 day waiting period). In reality, we went to Kansas not really knowing if we would actually be able to get a judge to sign the waiver...so we really didn't know if we would actually be able to get married. But we knew that if it didn't work out, that God was in control of all of the details.
Friday morning, August 16th, we exercised (of course), drove down to the courthouse when they opened, and waited for a judge...It did not look hopeful as the receptionist told us all of the judges that day were tied up but we could leave and call around 11/12 to see if someone was available at that time. We did that. However, we got a little anxious because our "appointment" with the chaplain to marry us was set for 2 pm. The next day he was deploying for Afghanistan. I am pretty sure hearts were racing, anxieties and blood pressures rising as we just sat in the hotel and ate lunch and waited. We called after what seemed like forever at about 12 and one of the judges would be able to sign. We drove back to the courthouse, got the waiver signed, got a marriage license- YAY-, and drove to Fort Riley's chapel to meet the chaplain and have our ceremony. His daughters came with him, probably 8 and 4 years old, and took a video which somehow got deleted, and the chaplain snapped one photo at the end. And that was our wedding day. One year ago.
That Sunday, August 18th, I flew back to Nashville to be back at work that Monday. Kennedy stayed back in KS and started doing pre-deployment training and in-processing. We made plans for the next weekends to fly back and forth to see each other. We did not tell friends until about a week or so after this occurred. It was so difficult to keep it in, but for that period of time, I didn't know what or how to tell them without them thinking we got married for other reasons. If you know me, it is hard for me to keep a secret. My parents found it hard to tell their friends and their Sunday school class! What a week!
What a YEAR. A LOT has happened. Our marriage started out long distance for about 3 months- traveling from Nashville to KS, various moves for both of us, a "short" deployment for Kennedy, wedding celebration planning that was this past June, our recent pregnancy news and miscarriage, finally feeling settled here in Manhattan and joining our church...SO much. God has blessed us immeasurably.