new normal

This morning, I am having a hard time putting down a book that a good friend sent me in the mail: "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith, a woman of faith who lost a baby that lived for two hours. At 18 weeks pregnant with her daughter, the doctors diagnosed the baby with conditions that would leave the baby "incompatible with life". I think it goes without saying, that this morning as I read this book, my face is covered with tears and I can't put it down.
My new normal these days is trying to get through each day without dwelling on our circumstances and hoping that the pain will lessen and lessen and just eventually disappear. I try to avoid eye contact with new mommies in grocery stores, because I'm not sure if I can handle the pain that is still so real that I feel in my heart and stomach. I try to keep in my tears when I think about what is physically going on in my body and that I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I try to hold it together and seem strong when faced with the question- "How are you doing?" I try to avoid thinking that- YES, the world, and life continue to go on around me, when I just want time to stop so I don't have to continue in my grieving. My new normal is that I am "TRYING", which is because I have always been tough. My personality is that when something has hit me in my circumstances with a striking blow, I am sad for a little bit, and then I make myself move on and try to forget the pain. What I am realizing through this loss and time of grief is the Lord whispering to me in my sadness, "Danielle, let yourself be weak. Come to me with your tears and let Me hold you." He is the only One I can trust with my weakness, for then, He will make me strong. My new normal is to stop trying and forcing, and instead, know my weakness and give all to the Lord. The other day, I had an FRG welcoming party for a wife to one of the new commanders at Fort Riley. All of the spouses were invited. Although I do well in meeting new groups of people, I felt that whole day that for some reason I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't put on a mask that day to fake being "OK" and "I'm good, how are you" phrasing. That afternoon before our church service (and the FRG party following), Kennedy asked me if I wanted to go. I broke down in tears and said "I don't know". I told him that I have not felt my normal self the past week and a half since we found out about the miscarriage. I told him I am usually excited to go and meet new people, but I just couldn't do it that day. A huge part of me wanted to go to be a support for Kennedy since he will be taking command soon and I want my actions to reflect well on his career and role in the unit. I told him I have always been able to, even in sadness, pick myself up and go and do things which usually ends up being good for me. He just let me cry with my head on his chest and said in his calming voice, "Hey..Danielle...I know you are strong. I know you CAN do this and go, but what I care about right now is not what makes me look good- I care about you." Of course, my tears flowed even more. Another instance where God was speaking to me- "Let yourself be weak, for then I am strong".
I made it to church a couple of hours after that conversation with Kennedy...throughout the hymns we sang as a congregation, I fought back tears. We sang "O Church Arise" and this verse ignited emotions:

"So Spirit, come, put strength in every stride, Give grace for every hurdle,

That we may run with faith to win the prize

Of a servant good and faithful. 

As saints of old still line the way, Retelling triumphs of His grace,

We hear their calls and hunger for the day 

When, with Christ, we stand in glory".

And from "It Is Well With My Soul":

"When peace like a river

Attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

WHATEVER my lot

Thou has taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul".

WHATEVER my lot. "Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight". I dog-eared pretty much every other page in this book by Angie Smith..Here are some parts I found that have been my experience that she puts so well into words:

"He isn't threatened by my heartbreak and questioning any more than He is threatened by a rainstorm. He knows that rain will fall. He knows that I will fall. And so, on a long drive home, I gave my deepest hurt to the Father who wanted nothing less than every bit of it. What I needed to learn about myself was clear in that moment...I DID believe in Him enough to call out. I trusted Him enough to share the brokenness, even though He already knew it all."

"We saw each other for what we were- women who were often just going through the motions of NORMALCY, partly for our children and partly for ourselves. I began to realize that THIS was going to be a part of my new life because the world has a way of going on all around you even when you are in the depths of sorrow that belie its pace and fervor."

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."

Job 13:15

One year ago

One year ago today, Kennedy and I got married. After much counsel with our parents and our pastors last August when we found out Kennedy was to deploy, we made the decision to get married at Fort Riley and have a "celebration" in 2014 when Kennedy would return. It is funny to think back on the thoughts whirling in our minds. We made pro/con lists about going ahead and getting married before he left...I overanalyzed the fact that I was still working and was in Nashville and what would people think? Would they think we were getting married for other reasons than why we really were? I can remember vividly what I was thinking the week or two before we got married. But past all of the thoughts, our prayer was that we would decide based on what the Lord wanted for us and based on the counsel we sought from our pastors and parents. It was the day before we were leaving for Memphis that we both had unexplainable peace that we knew getting married was the right decision. We drove to Memphis from Nashville, spent the night with my parents...told them our decision. And the next morning I got up and walked with my dad to talk about marriage, any other words of wisdom he could share, and to tell him how much we loved him and appreciated him and my mom. And then we drove the long 10 1/2 hours to Kansas, checked into our hotel rooms, and grabbed dinner, watched a movie, and prayed that the next day we would be able to get a judge to sign a waiver that would allow us to go ahead and get a marriage license over the weekend (when in Kansas there is a 3 day waiting period). In reality, we went to Kansas not really knowing if we would actually be able to get a judge to sign the waiver...so we really didn't know if we would actually be able to get married. But we knew that if it didn't work out, that God was in control of all of the details.
Friday morning, August 16th, we exercised (of course), drove down to the courthouse when they opened, and waited for a judge...It did not look hopeful as the receptionist told us all of the judges that day were tied up but we could leave and call around 11/12 to see if someone was available at that time. We did that. However, we got a little anxious because our "appointment" with the chaplain to marry us was set for 2 pm. The next day he was deploying for Afghanistan. I am pretty sure hearts were racing, anxieties and blood pressures rising as we just sat in the hotel and ate lunch and waited. We called after what seemed like forever at about 12 and one of the judges would be able to sign. We drove back to the courthouse, got the waiver signed, got a marriage license- YAY-, and drove to Fort Riley's chapel to meet the chaplain and have our ceremony. His daughters came with him, probably 8 and 4 years old, and took a video which somehow got deleted, and the chaplain snapped one photo at the end. And that was our wedding day. One year ago.
That Sunday, August 18th, I flew back to Nashville to be back at work that Monday. Kennedy stayed back in KS and started doing pre-deployment training and in-processing. We made plans for the next weekends to fly back and forth to see each other. We did not tell friends until about a week or so after this occurred. It was so difficult to keep it in, but for that period of time, I didn't know what or how to tell them without them thinking we got married for other reasons. If you know me, it is hard for me to keep a secret. My parents found it hard to tell their friends and their Sunday school class! What a week!
What a YEAR. A LOT has happened. Our marriage started out long distance for about 3 months- traveling from Nashville to KS, various moves for both of us, a "short" deployment for Kennedy, wedding celebration planning that was this past June, our recent pregnancy news and miscarriage, finally feeling settled here in Manhattan and joining our church...SO much. God has blessed us immeasurably.

Unrelenting

The word "unrelenting" has come to the forefront of my mind in the recent days. I have heard it throughout my life and knew what it meant, but I always find myself having to look up the definition. The meaning just doesn't stick in my memory. According to dictionary.com it means "not yielding or swerving in determination or resolution, not easing or slackening in severity, maintaining effort, vigor, intensity". The context from which I have heard this word my whole life is in sermons on God's unrelenting love, grace, goodness. The past few days I have known and needed more than ever God's UNRELENTING love and grace and, in addition, His presence. It seems in suffering, I learn so much about myself, the Lord, and my response to Him through all of it. I was comforted by a friend to know that our response will not always be perfect and if it was in the hard times, then we wouldn't need Jesus. But I am thankful for the Holy Spirit's work in my heart that turns me to God and comforts me.
Kennedy and I learned in June when we returned from our ceremony/honeymoon vacation that we would be expecting our first baby in February. For twelve weeks, we have anticipated hopes and dreams for this baby we would meet and raise and love. We prayed over its health, spiritual and physical. Our families were thrilled, supportive, and encouraging. And in a 45 minute appointment last Thursday, our hopes and dreams were shattered in one sentence from our doctor during an ultrasound- "The gestational sac has formed and developed well, but unfortunately, there is no baby". I only remember bits and pieces of that appointment, but during the ultrasound, all I can remember is squinting my eyes and praying that they would be able to find the baby. I blankly looked at the doctor, nodded, and it was as if I couldn't even hear words coming from her mouth as she was telling us options of what to do next and what to expect in the next weeks as the miscarriage would eventually take place. With Kennedy sitting in the room, I wanted to be strong and hold my emotions together, but I looked at him and broke down in uncontrollable tears- in unbelief of what we just heard and thinking to myself I had let him down, my parents down, his parents down, etc.
I think this is grief I never thought possible. Your stomach and insides just hurt. We are getting past initial shock and yes, we are hopeful in that this does not indicate anything for the future regarding having children, but the reality of miscarriage and the pain it entails goes with you...even in day to day conversations. Having to tell our neighbor who we had just told that we were pregnant what we are facing now. When we got to the doctor tomorrow for more bloodwork and they had not put in my chart yet at the front desk that I was to have a miscarriage, the receptionist asks, "Were you aware that your OB won't be here January/February, did you have a preference for another OB you would rather see for this pregnancy?" I couldn't really formulate my words, but somehow got out that we had a miscarriage...and she just stared at her computer and didn't really respond.
My constant prayer is that we would trust God's sovereignty and goodness. I have been encouraged by several friends and family to remember God is sovereign and He is good.
What is the good news from here? Where does my heart in this dark place see the unrelenting love and grace of our Heavenly Father?
...written in His Word. His very heart for us is to know Him more deeply and ultimately His name to be lifted higher than anything. I have been replaying events in my life of God's faithfulness since our appointment Thursday...asking the Lord to constantly remind me of times of heartbreak in my past that He used to teach me something about Himself and to have me come to the place on my knees again where I see my true need for Him and that He meets me, comforts me, and is with me.
There are times now and in the coming days where these truths my heart and mind know and believe in will seem distant or dim...but I pray for the Lord to work in my heart to remind me He is unrelenting.
We have felt wrapped in so much love and prayer through friends and family that without their encouragement I don't know where we would be.
On his way to work today, Kennedy said to listen to "Pray" by Sanctus Real which he heard in the car. I listened to it, couldn't help but cry, and then I had to look up the lyrics:

"I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying 

Cause I was made to come to You...

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit". Psalm 34:18

"Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God...I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place". Psalm 31