Unrelenting

The word "unrelenting" has come to the forefront of my mind in the recent days. I have heard it throughout my life and knew what it meant, but I always find myself having to look up the definition. The meaning just doesn't stick in my memory. According to dictionary.com it means "not yielding or swerving in determination or resolution, not easing or slackening in severity, maintaining effort, vigor, intensity". The context from which I have heard this word my whole life is in sermons on God's unrelenting love, grace, goodness. The past few days I have known and needed more than ever God's UNRELENTING love and grace and, in addition, His presence. It seems in suffering, I learn so much about myself, the Lord, and my response to Him through all of it. I was comforted by a friend to know that our response will not always be perfect and if it was in the hard times, then we wouldn't need Jesus. But I am thankful for the Holy Spirit's work in my heart that turns me to God and comforts me.
Kennedy and I learned in June when we returned from our ceremony/honeymoon vacation that we would be expecting our first baby in February. For twelve weeks, we have anticipated hopes and dreams for this baby we would meet and raise and love. We prayed over its health, spiritual and physical. Our families were thrilled, supportive, and encouraging. And in a 45 minute appointment last Thursday, our hopes and dreams were shattered in one sentence from our doctor during an ultrasound- "The gestational sac has formed and developed well, but unfortunately, there is no baby". I only remember bits and pieces of that appointment, but during the ultrasound, all I can remember is squinting my eyes and praying that they would be able to find the baby. I blankly looked at the doctor, nodded, and it was as if I couldn't even hear words coming from her mouth as she was telling us options of what to do next and what to expect in the next weeks as the miscarriage would eventually take place. With Kennedy sitting in the room, I wanted to be strong and hold my emotions together, but I looked at him and broke down in uncontrollable tears- in unbelief of what we just heard and thinking to myself I had let him down, my parents down, his parents down, etc.
I think this is grief I never thought possible. Your stomach and insides just hurt. We are getting past initial shock and yes, we are hopeful in that this does not indicate anything for the future regarding having children, but the reality of miscarriage and the pain it entails goes with you...even in day to day conversations. Having to tell our neighbor who we had just told that we were pregnant what we are facing now. When we got to the doctor tomorrow for more bloodwork and they had not put in my chart yet at the front desk that I was to have a miscarriage, the receptionist asks, "Were you aware that your OB won't be here January/February, did you have a preference for another OB you would rather see for this pregnancy?" I couldn't really formulate my words, but somehow got out that we had a miscarriage...and she just stared at her computer and didn't really respond.
My constant prayer is that we would trust God's sovereignty and goodness. I have been encouraged by several friends and family to remember God is sovereign and He is good.
What is the good news from here? Where does my heart in this dark place see the unrelenting love and grace of our Heavenly Father?
...written in His Word. His very heart for us is to know Him more deeply and ultimately His name to be lifted higher than anything. I have been replaying events in my life of God's faithfulness since our appointment Thursday...asking the Lord to constantly remind me of times of heartbreak in my past that He used to teach me something about Himself and to have me come to the place on my knees again where I see my true need for Him and that He meets me, comforts me, and is with me.
There are times now and in the coming days where these truths my heart and mind know and believe in will seem distant or dim...but I pray for the Lord to work in my heart to remind me He is unrelenting.
We have felt wrapped in so much love and prayer through friends and family that without their encouragement I don't know where we would be.
On his way to work today, Kennedy said to listen to "Pray" by Sanctus Real which he heard in the car. I listened to it, couldn't help but cry, and then I had to look up the lyrics:

"I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying 

Cause I was made to come to You...

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit". Psalm 34:18

"Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God...I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place". Psalm 31