My new normal these days is trying to get through each day without dwelling on our circumstances and hoping that the pain will lessen and lessen and just eventually disappear. I try to avoid eye contact with new mommies in grocery stores, because I'm not sure if I can handle the pain that is still so real that I feel in my heart and stomach. I try to keep in my tears when I think about what is physically going on in my body and that I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I try to hold it together and seem strong when faced with the question- "How are you doing?" I try to avoid thinking that- YES, the world, and life continue to go on around me, when I just want time to stop so I don't have to continue in my grieving. My new normal is that I am "TRYING", which is because I have always been tough. My personality is that when something has hit me in my circumstances with a striking blow, I am sad for a little bit, and then I make myself move on and try to forget the pain. What I am realizing through this loss and time of grief is the Lord whispering to me in my sadness, "Danielle, let yourself be weak. Come to me with your tears and let Me hold you." He is the only One I can trust with my weakness, for then, He will make me strong. My new normal is to stop trying and forcing, and instead, know my weakness and give all to the Lord. The other day, I had an FRG welcoming party for a wife to one of the new commanders at Fort Riley. All of the spouses were invited. Although I do well in meeting new groups of people, I felt that whole day that for some reason I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't put on a mask that day to fake being "OK" and "I'm good, how are you" phrasing. That afternoon before our church service (and the FRG party following), Kennedy asked me if I wanted to go. I broke down in tears and said "I don't know". I told him that I have not felt my normal self the past week and a half since we found out about the miscarriage. I told him I am usually excited to go and meet new people, but I just couldn't do it that day. A huge part of me wanted to go to be a support for Kennedy since he will be taking command soon and I want my actions to reflect well on his career and role in the unit. I told him I have always been able to, even in sadness, pick myself up and go and do things which usually ends up being good for me. He just let me cry with my head on his chest and said in his calming voice, "Hey..Danielle...I know you are strong. I know you CAN do this and go, but what I care about right now is not what makes me look good- I care about you." Of course, my tears flowed even more. Another instance where God was speaking to me- "Let yourself be weak, for then I am strong".
I made it to church a couple of hours after that conversation with Kennedy...throughout the hymns we sang as a congregation, I fought back tears. We sang "O Church Arise" and this verse ignited emotions:
"So Spirit, come, put strength in every stride, Give grace for every hurdle,
That we may run with faith to win the prize
Of a servant good and faithful.
As saints of old still line the way, Retelling triumphs of His grace,
We hear their calls and hunger for the day
When, with Christ, we stand in glory".
And from "It Is Well With My Soul":
"When peace like a river
Attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
WHATEVER my lot
Thou has taught me to say
It is well, It is well with my soul".
WHATEVER my lot. "Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight". I dog-eared pretty much every other page in this book by Angie Smith..Here are some parts I found that have been my experience that she puts so well into words:
"He isn't threatened by my heartbreak and questioning any more than He is threatened by a rainstorm. He knows that rain will fall. He knows that I will fall. And so, on a long drive home, I gave my deepest hurt to the Father who wanted nothing less than every bit of it. What I needed to learn about myself was clear in that moment...I DID believe in Him enough to call out. I trusted Him enough to share the brokenness, even though He already knew it all."
"We saw each other for what we were- women who were often just going through the motions of NORMALCY, partly for our children and partly for ourselves. I began to realize that THIS was going to be a part of my new life because the world has a way of going on all around you even when you are in the depths of sorrow that belie its pace and fervor."
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."
Job 13:15
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