so this past weekend, i had to experience some of the hardest things i probably have ever had to experience in my 24 years. let me preface the weekend by telling you news i heard last sunday night and how i've been dealing with it since then. my mom called me last sunday to tell me some news i thought i would never hear about a close relative or friend when she called to tell me my cousin had been killed in a car accident from falling asleep at the wheel. i felt in shock and just restless after she told me. all i could think to myself was "why?" and "really, this is real?" now, to preface the atmosphere and everything that happened this weekend, my family was always pretty close with my mom's side of the extended family. we always seemed to visit them every year at least see them in the summers and on holidays. so to me, those cousins and that extended family was one i knew more growing up. i have such great memories of going to that small town in alabama and going to my grandmother's house and literally having NOTHING to do there but play in the dirt and run around the graveyard across the street from her house. she had a shed in the back yard, and she would put piles of tupperware bowls, baking supplies, and utensils and tell us to go to this dirt patch under a tree and play and "bake" and make things out of the dirt. ha, talk about an experience growing up. we would roll for HOURS down a hill laying down on our sides until we were dizzy and made ourselves sick. we would play in ant farms and run around carefree in her zero lot line yard. thankfully, my cousins and aunt and uncle lived down the road and we could go over there OFTEN and jump on their trampoline, ride bikes, rollerblade, play with more dirt, play with their dog, play in their pool, play the old school nintendo. i miss that childhood i knew :( i miss the simplicity of life and what life brought with family during those times. it seems like every year past your childhood, everything changes, especially dynamics with family. as we grew up, it seemed like we grew apart. we still had family ties and love for one another, but it seemed different every time we would visit or they would visit us. like everyone knew we were all growing up and things were going to be different. this past weekend was the visitation and funeral for my cousin. my mom dad brother and i all met in small town alabama friday to visit with extended family and enter into the process of grieving---grieving that i have never experienced before and was not expecting. i think the fact that i was not expecting it and that it totally took me off guard made the weekend even more emotional. saturday was the visitation and private time for the family. it amazed me that even under the awful circumstances that we were all having the privilege of seeing each other, i was so thankful to be there. i was thankful for every single person there. there was so much love the entire weekend. i think everyone was realizing during all of the time we had together saturday to not take anyone for granted...any friendship, relationship, family member, etc. i found myself saying i love you to so many people. grief is a hard concept for me to grasp. i am not an emotional person at all. i tend to keep it all in and then if something triggers those emotions i've been holding in, it's like the flood waters come rushing in. but this past weekend i felt something deeper than sadness. i felt that deep gut pain and grief, something i hope i never have to experience again. i can still hear the cries of my aunt and uncle and my cousin's 2 siblings who are grown and have kids. i can hear them crying out in so much pain and hurt. sunday was the day of the funeral. my cousin's older sibling played his guitar- "when i get where i'm going" and the pastor and wife sang. i think at that point everyone in that church was sobbing. grief is a hard concept because as much pain as it causes, there is also hope as a believer. there is hope of eternal life and hopefully eternal life with Jesus. i think this weekend was also a learning experience for me and a huge transition into adulthood for me that came in the form of grieving and mourning for a loved one. 1) it taught me not to take any day or any one for granted in my life 2) it taught me to not complain or at least hold the complaints in 3) it taught me to rethink my priorities in life...what/who am i living for? 4) to live each day as if it is my last. all of these are yes, definitely cliches. they were always hard for me to swallow before this past weekend because i would think "ok i've heard these a million times, blah blah" but really, think of their importance and how fleeting our lives are.
who & what are you living for? what are your priorities? tell the ones you care about and who are important in your life that you love them and you are thankful for them daily.
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