TRUST

so right now i'm at panera, drinking coffee and attempting to read for school. which has kindof been successful but frustrating all in the same. my epidemiology class is getting frustrating already with math problems- ah!
i have been thinking a lot lately about life, health, and how much i take for granted and about my salvation. and let me preface my deepness with what has happened the past few days. well september 11 obviously was sunday and remembering the victims and their families was very sad and put life in perspective as tragedies like that do. and i also got a phone call i would never have expected from my mom that day. i had just finished playing volleyball and my home number had called several times. usually that is when my mom is trying to figure out something on the computer or she has a pressing question about my cell phone bill or something...well i called her back after playing and was on the way to a friend's apt to eat dinner. she told me i might need to pull over so she could tell me something. i knew the solemnness in her voice and it just made me really nervous. i pulled over in a parking lot and she told me that my youngest cousin had died that morning in a car accident. my heart sank and i just felt a sadness i haven't felt in a long time come over me...and sadness for my aunt and uncle and my mom's whole side of the family. growing up, my brother and i were always closest to that side of the family. i feel like we were able to see them a lot and my cousin (blaine) and i were close in age. when my mom told me that news, i didn't know how to respond. blaine was in california at the time, he had been living there for a while. all i could think about was his age and that it couldn't even be real. deaths like that i can't even fathom because of his age. i just think about how short his life was, but how our lives on this earth are like a speck.
i think of and am reminded of God's goodness. He is GOOD and loving. even through this time of hurt and pain. the kind of pain my aunt and uncle are going through is the most intense pain i think a parent can ever feel. the kind that is an intense deep hurt where you have to do everything in your power to keep yourself together.
as ive been reading and studying, i've been listening to jj heller. i love this song by her:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still