"Keep a Quiet Heart"- Elisabeth Elliot

My heart and mind are quick to forget that this is where I find the most joy- in truly being still, sitting and getting full on God's Word and writing His Truths in my journal and asking Him to press them on my heart. I'm sitting at Panera in my "quiet place" after just getting off the phone with a dear friend. I had already planned on coming to indulge myself in reading and writing, but after crying and catching up on life, she reminded me that one of the best and most necessary things we need as Christians is to be STILL. I've probably blogged about this before, but this afternoon, I am treasuring this time. I'm brought to tears thinking that my King wants more than anything to spend time with me, His child. I can't help but think He smiles when our thoughts are focused on Him.

My thoughts haven't really been about Him, to be honest. My thoughts today have been, "It's almost October...How much longer will my HcG levels be too high where we can't think about getting pregnant again?" Every time I look at my calendar I think about our loss and it invokes sadness, but then I think of future days and how impatient I become when my desire for the now is to be pregnant again. My longing has been for this earthly desire...when David says in Psalm 107:9,
For HE satisfies the longing soul, and the HUNGRY soul He fills with GOOD things. 
I'm asking the Lord to quiet my heart and my mind with all its questioning thoughts and to help me to be satisfied in Him. I love this quote I have written-

"Jesus, let our faithful mind rest, on Thee alone reclined; Every anxious thought repress, Keep our souls in perfect peace."- Charles Wesley

One of my favorite books is "Keep a Quiet Heart". When I am intentionally going to read somewhere, I'll take it with me and re-highlight some favorite quotes from dear Elisabeth. Before I add in some of her wisdom below, I am reading some entries in my journal that I have scribbled...
from Jesus Calling "Listening to HIM: I am speaking in the depths of your being...BE STILL so you can hear my voice. Living close to Me requires making Me your first love- your highest priority".
"Trust in Him at ALL times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for GOD is our Refuge." Ps 62:8
Lord, I trust you, I believe you, but help my trust and belief in difficult times. Help me to trust you at ALL times. 

My prayer is that this time today brings me closer to Him and my days would be filled with His presence- captivating my thoughts and my heart's desire and my trust would be strengthened, my joy deepened in Him. Elisabeth E. says, "If through losing what this world prizes we are enabled to gain what it despises- treasure in heaven, invisible and incorruptible- isn't it worth any kind of suffering? What is it worth to us to learn a little bit more of what the Cross means- life out of death, the transformation of earth's losses and heartbreaks and tragedies? Poverty has not been my experience, but God has allowed in the lives of each of us some sort of loss, the withdrawal of something we valued, in order that we may learn to offer ourselves a little more willingly, to allow the touch of death on one more thing we have clutched so tightly, and thus know fullness and freedom and joy that much sooner. We're not naturally inclined to love God and seek His Kingdom. Trouble may help to incline us- that is, it may tip us over, put some pressure on us, lean us in the right direction".

My Portion and My Strength- Ellie Holcomb

"Help me to know stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand...Help me believe---that You will be my portion and my strength"

I have begun to appreciate more than ever the friendships God has given me. Even in the rush of day to day life, short conversations or even texts can be uplifting and encouraging to our circumstances. I have found that especially with friends and family not in Kansas, it is hard to work around busy schedules and find time to sit and talk on the phone for minutes or hours at a time. Texting has been my "go-to" as far as communication goes. The reason I tell you this is because for the past couple of weeks, the Lord has used a text my sister in law sent that said this, "It can be hard to carry this type of burden. Thankfully we are yoked onto God who shoulders it for us". I simply needed to remember and believe, God is shouldering my burden of weariness and worry. For about a week, I was exhausted. I was in constant busy-ness, worry, and a state of mind that was trying to be in control or fix things going on...but hearing these words, I felt something huge lifted off of me. I felt lighter and free. My sister in law probably did not know that at that time this treasure from the Lord was used in my life, but it was and still is. So here we are almost a month and a half after the miscarriage occurred. I think time does heal, but more importantly, the Lord is teaching me that HE alone heals our deepest wounds. As I go about the busyness of my days, I don't have time to think about what's happened, which is good; but last night before we went to sleep, I laid my head on the pillow and all of the sudden, I just started crying. Poor Kennedy SO dislikes when I cry, that he wants to know what is wrong and will ask until I am able to tell him. Last night I felt so silly that I started crying out of the blue. But telling him my hurt was another burden lifted, and another reminder that Christ takes on our burdens for us and beckons us to call out to Him and lay our burdens down. 

I love this song by Ellie Holcomb- SO good. 

John Piper

Loving this quote from John Piper that comes towards the end of this song: 

"Not only is your affliction momentary, not only is your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is TOTALLY meaningful.

Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism, I don't care if it was slander or sickness, it wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It's not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing, don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and it takes her out, don’t say ‘it’s meaningless’, its not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore DO NOT lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”

John Piper

Praise

So I feel like the last few posts have been marked by honesty- my complaints before God, uncertainty at times how to continue grieving but also finding the joy that we have in Him.
Do you ever have those moments where your heart is full of gratitude and you can't help but stop whatever you're in the middle of and praise the Lord in prayer, thanking Him for all of the good things, even the "bad" things in your life? You stop and are comforted that the Holy Spirit is at work in your heart- He's doing something!
Yesterday, I had one of those moments that brought me to the verge of tears (and I was driving, which is never good through eyes filled with liquid). And they were tears of joy.
I shadowed a hygienist yesterday at a non-profit organization's dental clinic where I will hopefully be working every Tuesday. I talked with the dental director there, also a hygienist, about hours and my role in the clinic. This job, and the job I have as a clinical instructor at the dental hygiene program here, are two of my "dream jobs" in this field.
In the car on the drive back was one of those moments where my heart was bursting with gratitude and praise. After calling my mom, I shut off the radio and just started thanking the Lord out loud for His provision.

God has proven over and over again that He knows exactly where I am, exactly what I need, and although it may not be what I think I need at that time, He is faithful in carrying me through it and allowing me to know more of Him. I thought of these verses from Psalm 104 that say, 

"O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom you have made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These are look to you, to give them their food in due season. When you give it to them, they gather it up; When you open your hand, they are filled with good things...May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works. I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being". 

HE provides. Praise. Rejoice. We have MUCH in Him.