Expectations

As I do with most posts, I'm going to start off by saying that this one may not make sense. I'm writing off of a fuzzy brain, compounded with discouragement. I have to admit that my expectations of God can sometimes be small. I get impatient and doubt His power in situations that I think I can take control of. God is showing me that He is more powerful than I can imagine and He is reshaping my expectations of Him. When all of the miscarriage stuff was happening, I of course prayed, cried out loud to God...but small parts of my heart were in constant struggle of not praying confidently. There were parts of me that were holding back in prayer, doubting that He could really redeem this and give me reasons to hope and have joy. My expectations were small.
God shows us over and over again in His Word that He is more powerful than we can imagine or grasp. Why do I doubt this?
Today I went in for my HcG level check. Since the miscarriage, the doctor has been monitoring the levels as they have decreased, but it has been a really slow and long process of the numbers coming down. Nearing the end, the doctor recommended I come back every two weeks instead of every week. In the past month, the decrease has been really slight. Like every two weeks it has gone down 10 or 15. I was hoping or EXPECTING my levels to be at normal range (10 or below)...but I was given disappointing news of "19.2" when I answered my phone while at Hobby Lobby- almost in tears in the paper craft aisle. I know God is reshaping my expectations of Him. In the discouragement, I want to still be thankful. Before these past few months, my confidence in hope and my expectations of God were something that changed with whatever my circumstances were. And now, He is all that I can hold on to and has remained the same: faithful, and this has strengthened my confidence and hope and expectations. Even though the HcG levels haven't gone down as I've expected them to, they've still gone down, which is a praise. Even though "fill in the blank with whatever life's hard circumstances have been", something good has come out of them, which may not have looked like our expectations but they were good in the sense that God, out of His love for us, revealed more of Himself to us.
I did a search on "expectations of God" and came across a really good article, that as I was reading, I was nodding my head and thinking to myself, "This is exactly how I feel" and the author nailed it. Jon Bloom says, "Highest on God's agenda for us is strengthening our faith. Highest on our agenda is frequently accomplishing something necessary or noble, or escaping affliction or humiliation. These may not be wrong desires, but they may be the wrong priorities...The strength that God supplies is often increased capacities to trust his promises, which might require dying to our envisioned accomplishment or enduring what we wish to escape...God loves to answer our prayers with the strength that causes us to abound in faith-fueled hope."
I love this part: "So pray with confidence. And pray for the strength that God supplies. And keep your eyes open for his answers. They may not look like your expectations. But you can be sure that even when he answers with a weakening agent, God is working to strengthen your understanding, strengthen your faith, and strengthen your hope in him." God, I am choosing to believe this about you!

Getting used to tears

I'm using this post as a means of bragging on my husband and praising the Lord for the gift He has given me in giving me Kennedy as a husband. As we've been going through the really long process of grief and long days of being drained, we've had to lean on each other more than ever. I'll admit that I lean on him quite a bit more often than he leans on me. And at the end of our processing conversations, he always points me back to the Lord. I'm so thankful for Kennedy because of this. God knew before time who He had chosen for me to be my best friend and I am praising the Lord throughout today for His loving kindness.
My "leaning on" Kennedy consists of tears. I'm getting used to them. If you ask anyone in my family/close friends, they'll tell you without a doubt that I NEVER cry...or it is very rare. If you were to ask my loving husband if I cry, I would be interested to know his answer. It is definitely "sometimes"/"occasionally". Growing up and before recent events, I gave in to crying when I was either really hurt or really sad. But something drastic, then, had to have happened in order for the tears to flow. Yesterday afternoon before church, I cried for a while. Kennedy would tell you it seemed to be caused by no apparent reason...But he was about to finish our reading of The Silver Chair, and I just started crying and had that stomach-deep pain. And then it hit me-the why. Even in our early stages of pregnancy, Kennedy would read to me. And we joked about it because it was too early for our baby to "hear", but he wanted to. My mind flashed forward to where we would be in our pregnancy now, and the baby would probably be able to "hear"---which would make The Silver Chair reading so special. My mind also flashed forward to what Kennedy will be like as a dad one day. I knew even before we were married that he would be an AMAZING dad....but yesterday as he was reading, I just couldn't help but think about how true that is of him. He loves to read to me. We take breaks from our tv show watching, because he wants to read. And I love it. And I know our kids will love it one day.
The Lord has been so gracious in using Kennedy's patience love and joy to point my weary heart back to Him. I told our pastor when he asked how we were doing that Kennedy had been a great blessing--and he said, "You have a great husband and an even greater God". That has resonated with me the past few weeks as I wrestle with what's in my heart and having to share that with Kennedy when I randomly start crying and how the Lord cares for me even more deeply--That in itself brings me comfort that I can share the sadness and depths of my heart with the One who created me and knows everything about me and loves me.

"He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."

Psalm 145:19

Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season. I love everything fall...the cooler weather, pumpkins, the colors of the leaves changing. At the beginning of fall this year, I could not have told you it was my "favorite". It has been my most difficult season of life. However, God has shown me His blessing and the power of His work in my heart that I would not have known if I had not gone through the difficulties. Blessings have come in all forms- people, provision of jobs, a newness of God's Word, and restoring work by the Spirit, and I am thankful.
A while back, my pastor in Memphis recommended a book he had read by Mark Buchanan called "Spiritual Rhythm- Being with Jesus every season of your soul". If you have not read it, you should check it out. For fall, this is what he describes:

"Biblically, fall captivates for a different reason: it's harvest time...The window between bumper crop and famine was an eye of the needle, narrow sometimes as a single day. A good crop was cause for great rejoicing. A blighted crop, deep distress. Harvest was a time to acknowledge God as provider: rainmaker, sun-keeper, storm-quencher. The season proved, yet again, God's enduring faithfulness. And it demonstrated, yet again, the utmost dependency of God's children on his faithfulness. The heart in fall is, in a word, expectant. Fall is for reaping and for storing, but it's also for feasting and thanking. I can choose what I sow. I can choose, because I have the Spirit, to sow that which pleases the Spirit. I can nurture the little seedlings of the Spirit's promptings- promptings to be a man of peace, of gentleness, of self-control, of love, and the like. And in due time, I will reap a harvest that's worth storing up.

My prayer is for the Lord's help in choosing to sow what pleases Him- in whatever season I am in- and to be thankful and look expectantly towards what is to come- something far greater than any disappointment or even earthly desire. 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of the Lord is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'. And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making ALL THINGS NEW'." Revelation 21:3-5