trust

trust is a heavy word for me to swallow tonight as i'm laying in my bed about to go to sleep. i haven't been inspired to blog lately in this season of life i am in. the past few weeks have been challenging to my faith, difficult, yet much needed (trying to have a positive perspective). what does trust mean? i googled the definition because i'm too lazy to go grab the dictionary...this is what it says "Firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something." right now in my life, i am finding it hard to put my trust in the Lord's working and what He is doing in my life and the season i am in. i am finding it hard to have FIRM, unwavering belief in HIM, in His strength, in His truth, in His ability, in His reliability. my personality is to control and plan and do, and when those things are shattered and do not happen, the loss throws my life for a loop. it shakes my faith. i believe lies and drown myself in continually trying to gain the control back. when instead, the Lord is telling me to be still- to just "be" in His presence. to trust Him. to pursue Him. to follow Him and not look back. a blog that my friend told me to read was just what i needed to read and be reminded of: agirlikeme.com. let me take from some of her blog and i hope you find this as encouraging as i did. i know i have strongholds in my life that i can't trust the Lord with. there are things i am "waiting" on and having to be patient about. there are things i don't understand. but i find comfort from this blog & from her experiences  in trusting the Lord.
"I know that there are some of you who feel like God has forgotten you. Some of you feel so alone and wonder if you’ll ever find true friendship. I know some of you feel like you may never find that spouse and God has chosen to leave you single forever. Some of you long to find freedom from a stronghold, and can’t understand why God won’t simply just set you free. You have cried out to God in your pain and sorrow, only to feel like you have been met with complete silence. It’s like the story of Daniel. Daniel had been fasting and praying and asking God to help save his people. Three weeks passed and there was nothing. No word or sign that God had heard Daniels prayer. He was beginning to grow tired and week, and almost at the end of his rope. It was at the end of those three weeks that an angel came to Daniel and told him that he was sent by the Lord to fulfill Daniels prayer. In verse 12 of chapter 10 the angel says, “Do not fear, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand, and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard; and I have come because of your words.” And then in verse 13 he continues with a “ But….” You see, God had not forgotten Daniels prayer nor did he not desire to answer it. God had to work out some of the “buts” before Daniels prayer could be answered.
As hard as it is to accept, the Lord does not work on our time table. He is outside of time and space, weaving together our story from start to finish. He has no need to rush because he knows how it will all work out in the end. But because we cannot see nor understand his total sovereignty, we have to have faith that he knows what he is doing. Look at Isaiah 49:14-16a “But Zion said,“The Lord has forsaken me, and my Lord has forgotten me.” “Can a woman forget her nursing child, and not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.”" Beloved girl, if we are in Christ, we are not forgotten, we are embedded into our heavenly father’s heart and etched upon his hands. And because we are so precious to him, he wants to make sure that we don’t just have what’s best right now, he wants us to have HIS best. Author John Ortberg puts it like this: “Biblically, waiting is not just something we have to do until we get what we want. Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.” Precious friend, there is joy to be found in your season of wait. Know that God does hear you. He is diligently knitting together the fabric of your story, making it perfect. He has not forgotten you, he is just beckoning you to come close so that he may show you all that he would have for you. Put your hope in his love and sovereignty, and when you do, you will find true joy in the wait."

i LOVE her reference to daniel's story- that the angel appears and says "Daniel don't fear, from the FIRST DAY that you set your heart to understand and to humble yourself before God, your words were HEARD...and i have come because of your words." i pray tonight that the Lord would help me set my heart to understand and help me humble myself and my pride...KNOWING and believing my words are heard. and He has not forgotten about me. and that the waiting and not knowing and trusting are a part of HIS best...He wants to make sure we don't just have "what's best right now". grateful for these words tonight. Lord, deepen my trust. give me strength to surrender my wants and desires to you and give them to you with open hands and an open heart.

filling holes

i forgot how good chicken noodle soup is. i remember growing up and eating it whenever i felt bad or just because i didn't want what my mom made that night. or sunday nights were our free for all nights (my mom's "night off" from cooking), so dad would pop bags and bags of popcorn, michael and i would eat ramen noodles or soup, and we would turn on dr quinn medicine woman.
so tonight, i'm enjoying chicken noodle soup...and remembering home. and remembering how warm and full it makes me feel inside.
i'm also thinking about and remembering the voids and little holes in my heart right now...that only God can heal and fill. but when i search and read His Word, i'm reminded how full He makes me. i was reminded today via a pastor back home that keeping connected and busy is helpful and keeps my heart from feeling discouraged and from going into a downward sprial, but i also need to remember to let God fill the "holes" only HE can fill.
so tonight, i'm eating chicken noodle soup, cherishing "home", and searching God's Word..so i can let Him truly fill me.
2 cor 1
blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. if we are afflicted it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. our hope for you is unshaken for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
indeed we felt that we had received the sentence of death but that was to make us RELY not on ourselves but on GOD who raises the dead. he delivered us from such a deadly peril and he will deliver us. on him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. you also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.for our boast is this, the testimony of our conscience, that we behaved in the world with simplicity and godly sincerity, not by earthly wisdom but by the grace of God, and supremely so toward you. for we are not writing to you anything other than what you read and acknowledge and i hope you will fully acknolwedge just as you did partially acknowledge us- that on the day of our Lord Jesus you will boast of us as we will boast of you. and it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us His Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.

psalm 63

so i'm not a fan of the message version of the Bible, but I love how these verses sound---
"God- you're my God I can't get enough of you I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God, traveling across dry and weary deserts. so here i am in the place of worship, eyes open, drinking in your STRENGTH and glory. in your generous love i am really living at last! my lips brim praises like fountains. i bless you every time i take a breath; my arms wave like banners of praise to you..."

one day at a time

this is my motto after today...taking one day at a time. choosing each morning, every second of the day to give the day and each moment and my thoughts and words to the Lord.
i'm learning that it's ok to be silent. it's ok to not know what to pray. it's ok to be sad. it's ok to have emotions. it's ok to share those with people close to me. it's ok to share my heart on the blogging world...it turns my focus more on what is important. so tonight i am remembering this verse:
ex 14:14..the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.
and deuteronomy 1:30 for the LORD your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory.
so silence, grieving, sadness, etc...but praying for trust and for the Lord to fight for me and help me! thankful for family and friends. God truly knows and provides.

finding joy

if you know me well, you know i am stubborn. the Lord has to pull teeth and bring me to my end to grab my attention. right now, i'd rather be digging myself in a hole and have the mentality of not wanting to come out and face what is in front of me. i feel like even though it is through painful things, God is always longing for me to come to Him and trust Him. even though i fight so hard not to. even though i want things my way, He is so faithful and loving to be so patient in my stubbornness and selfishness. more than running to Christ, i think we try to fill our lives with things to get away from the hard things or we try and run away from Him...and my prayer is for the Lord to continue drawing me closer and filling me with a spirit of following Him and trusting Him. this blog was really started for me to journal my running and how that ties in with living life...tonight i feel like my heart is torn and i need to acknowledge and write about my need for the Lord to fill me. i am finding that being obedient to God and truly trusting Him is so hard and something i am not inclined to nor do i really want to be obedient sometimes. Lord i pray you take all the brokenness and fragmented pieces of my heart and draw me in to wanting more of you. that is what i long for right now.
"Lord all my desire is before you, and my sighing is not hidden from you. my heart pants, my strength fails me; as for the light of my eyes, it also has gone from me...in you o Lord i hope; you will hear, O Lord my God...do not forsake me o Lord o my God be not far from me! make haste to help me o Lord my salvation". ps 38
"i waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. he also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps, he has put a new song in my mouth- praise to our God! many will see it and fear; and will trust in the Lord..." ps 40
"the Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit" ps 34:18

love

This book is absolutely incredible...in so many words, it is simple yet life-changing. this is a book where any and everyone can relate. bob goff uses simple life stories to share in the most creative ways how he has experienced and shared the love of God. over the past couple of weeks, i am more and more grateful of God's faithfulness...as my Savior, Redeemer, and Father. He accepts me no matter who i am, what i've done, whatever i bring Him- all of the brokenness, fragments, "stuff". and He loves and uses me and works in me no matter the season of life i may be going through. even though i don't want to give away all of what the book is about or big chunks of the book, i wanted to write out some of the quotes i found so good-

"that's because love is never stationary. in the end, love doesn't just keep thinking about it or keep planning for it. simply put: love does".

"what i learned from randy changed my view permanently about what it meant to have a friendship with Jesus. i learned that faith isn't about knowing all of the right stuff or obeying a list of rules. it's something more, something more costly because it involves being present and making a sacrifice...love does".

"being engaged is a way of doing life, a way of living and loving. it's about going to extremes and expressing the bright hope that life offers us, a hope that makes us brave and expels darkness with light. that's what i want my life to be all about- full of abandon, whimsy, and in love. i want to be engaged to life and with life".

"i've learned that God sometimes allows us to find ourselves in a place where we want something so bad that we can't see past it. sometimes we can't see God because of it. when we want something that bad, it's easy to mistake what we truly need for the thing we really want...while painful at the time, i can see now many years later when i look in the rearview mirror of my life, evidence of God's tremendous love and unfolding adventure for me".

"that's what love does- it pursues blindly, unflinchingly, and without end. when you go after something you love, you'll do anything it takes to get it, even if it costs everything".

Everyone needs to read this book! i highly recommend it.