I just started reading a book called "Spiritual Rhythm" by Mark Buchanan...The subtitle says "being with Jesus every season of your soul". I am treasuring every word of this book so far. Each sentence is something I've wanted to highlight or has hit home in my heart the past couple of days. The first season this book started with was Winter...let me first say that this book has a spiritual parallel. Winter is a "season" of our spiritual seasons where we feel lonely, distant from God for one reason or another, despair, just a harder season where it may be difficult to believe. So we continue to walk...maybe blindly, but knowing that this season will pass and that God will still be with us and meet us in Winter. He does not abandon us. I have felt and experienced "Winter" the past few weeks...but lo and behold in this book, I have come to the chapter of our next season, Spring. And let me tell you, I am hopeful for Spring, not only for the physical environment and weather, but a time of hope and new growth and all that the season represents- life! BUT, I am also almost sad to leave winter and to move on...because God has met me in so many out of the ordinary ways that I want Him to continue to meet me and experience Him in my loneliness and where I feel distant from Him. But, in this book, here is Spring. and here comes hope after and even maybe during a season of cold, lonely, sad times. Spring. the author says there are "certain things spring demands of us...three in particular: plowing, planting, and cleaning". I can already hear minds churning for what this may imply spiritually for us. I love this part of the chapter entitled "Plowing": "a field unplowed, unless it's being left fallow, is a field wasted. it grows weeds, perhaps a few ungleaned seeds from last year's harvest. but there's no crop. a field unplowed is an opportunity squandered. a season of renewal is, as I said, a gift. but it's also an opportunity: we can make the most of it, or miss it entirely. spring gives us a window in which, if we steward the moment well, we will reap a harvest later on; if we don't, we may not get a second chance. and next winter might be scarce. plowing is SWEATY and DIRTY. breaking ground is hard work. the only work as hard as plowing is harvesting, but harvest has its reward mixed with its labor, and that makes the work lighter. plowing is done when the promise of reward is distant and tentative. what late frost or summer hail, what draught or blight, might sweep in and wipe out all you've worked for? danger hovers over all the work until the work is done...so strong resolve is needed in spring like almost no other time. spiritually, what does it mean to plow? it means, first and most, to LISTEN...deeper attentiveness. you lean in. you WAIT, you PESTER, you DIG. you HANG ON TO GOD and wrestle with HIM ALL NIGHT if you must, and refuse to let go...Renewal- one mark is a desire for prayer and Word...hunger to meet with God...It's the time for RESOLVE- a clear and firm decisiveness around what matters. And with this resolve, you then reorder your life- how you give, pray, read, serve, think- to both reflect and nurture your resolve...if you're in springtime or just coming into spring, by all means enjoy it. but don't squander it. look closely at your life, decide where you need to join God in this season of renewal. Then take plow blade to hard earth, open it wide, and harrow it soft". I could go ON and ON sharing with you the jewel of this book. No matter what "season" we find ourselves in, God is there and meets us...This book is about BEING with JESUS EVERY season of your soul. I wonder if right now I am in Winter spiritually but I have glimmers of Spring. I feel lonely in my heart, I feel sad, and like the "snow" and "blizzards" where I can't see keep me from getting where I planned...but I have hope...I see and experience God in the places I feel like there's no way I could see Him. I see what Christmas is about more clearly this year...there are firsts that I didn't think Kennedy and I would experience that are good but also sad. But in my soul, God is showing me deeper and deeper the meaning of this season...and my heart turns to gladness and thankfulness for this baby boy Jesus who is my King and Savior...Matthew 1:18-24---an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph saying---do not be afraid...Mary will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins". without this birth of this miraculous child, I have no hope...I have no hope in this "winter" or glimmer of hope for "spring".
I think this was as scatter-brained of a post as usual...but my heart feels heavier this Christmas on my thoughts of this season...not just for what Kennedy and I experience, but "winters" that others around us are going through. I pray for the hope of the message of this birth brings new light to a new year and spring ahead.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Sunday, December 22, 2013
"Without you" Shane and Shane.
I can walk through the storm
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as You are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the King?
Oh I need to know You're here with me
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as You are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the King?
Oh I need to know You're here with me
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."
You've taken up a home inside of me
And You'll never leave
I still need to know You're here with me
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."
If Your presence stays, I don't wanna go
If Your presence goes, I don't wanna stay
If Your presence stays, I don't wanna go
I need You
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."
This song caught my eye today at the gym. I love the lyrics from the first verse that say I can gain everything but what do I have if i don't have the King? Oh I need to know that you're here with me! It's simple for me right now at this stage of mine and Kennedy's lives... What do I really have if I don't have the King? How my soul needs to know and believe this truth! There are days I've prayed- Father can you hear me? Can you speak louder so I know you're there? I need to know He is there even though I "know" He is. Thankful for this season... For who Jesus is and represents. for His life that brings me eternal life. Do you find yourself crying out to God like this song is talking about? I think everyone can relate in some way to these lyrics.
Love me some Shane and Shane!
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
gifts
you know those days where you pick up the Bible or your devotion book and start reading for the day, and the Lord gives you what your heart needs to and has been longing to hear. this morning was one of those times, which I am so grateful. and immediately I felt I needed to share this somehow, but my morning starts off so early that I didn't want to text the people I wanted to share this with! this comes from the book of hope my friend gave me that I have been reading out of and cherishing every reading from it!
"recently there was a prayer service for someone I know who is fighting a vicious cancer. how I would love to see God work a miracle and rid her body of the disease that is slowly robbing her of life! I love her and her family, and bc I know firsthand how awful and painful it is to watch someone you love die, I don't want them to have to endure it. surely we can ask God for what we want. we can freely tell him that what we want is for those we love to be healed. we want a job. we want our marriages restored. we know he's our heavenly Father and desires to give good gifts to those who ask him. the problem is, because we are so limited in our understanding, we don't always know what is good.
I want to give me son, Matt, good things. but that is not always what he asks for. He wants chocolate Cocoa pebbles and I give him shredded wheat. I know, better than he, what he needs. he wants new basketball shoes and I want him to learn to be content with what he has. I have his long-term best interests in mind. I'm trying to shape his body and his mind and his character, so I don't always give him what he asks for.
And the closing statement is: "Good Father, open my eyes to my greatest need- more of you". I PRAY that that will be my prayer.
this day's reading is EXACTLY what I know to be true and want to form in my heart a greater belief through God's help. all of these things I have been thinking in my head lately, but have the trouble left to my self actually believing it.
"you parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? of course not! if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?" matthew 7:9-11
and here is the devotion- LOVE this:"recently there was a prayer service for someone I know who is fighting a vicious cancer. how I would love to see God work a miracle and rid her body of the disease that is slowly robbing her of life! I love her and her family, and bc I know firsthand how awful and painful it is to watch someone you love die, I don't want them to have to endure it. surely we can ask God for what we want. we can freely tell him that what we want is for those we love to be healed. we want a job. we want our marriages restored. we know he's our heavenly Father and desires to give good gifts to those who ask him. the problem is, because we are so limited in our understanding, we don't always know what is good.
I want to give me son, Matt, good things. but that is not always what he asks for. He wants chocolate Cocoa pebbles and I give him shredded wheat. I know, better than he, what he needs. he wants new basketball shoes and I want him to learn to be content with what he has. I have his long-term best interests in mind. I'm trying to shape his body and his mind and his character, so I don't always give him what he asks for.
and I recognize that as much as I might WANT God to give me what I ask for, I trust that my heavenly Father knows what is best. sometimes his "good gifts" don't appear that way to my limited perspective. He gives me broccoli when I want ice cream. sometimes he uses frustrating circumstances, unwarranted criticism, and disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. He calls me to trust him, to know that he is my wise and loving Father, and my ultimate good is his heart's greatest desire.
would you be willing to stop pounding on heaven's door, to stop begging for God to give you what you believe is best, and to open your hands to receive the good gifts your heavenly Father wants to give to you?"And the closing statement is: "Good Father, open my eyes to my greatest need- more of you". I PRAY that that will be my prayer.
this day's reading is EXACTLY what I know to be true and want to form in my heart a greater belief through God's help. all of these things I have been thinking in my head lately, but have the trouble left to my self actually believing it.
Lord, would you "open my eyes to my greatest need- more of you"?
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Being content...
in the midst of circumstances that stink and leave us asking Why...how do we rest and stay "ok" with what God's plan is that is His perfect, loving plan. In the past 6 days, I have searched and searched my Bible (Kennedy's Bible) more than ever...searching for stories/passages/ANYTHING that has any sort of comforting word from God. I've found myself still picking up the Bible, even though parts of me don't want to see another passage that says "I will yet trust in God" or "God is my refuge"...when at times, I don't really feel that. all the while, I find myself longing for more passages like that.
I am trying to get in a routine of a morning email w/a Jesus Calling entry to Kennedy, then a time of just sitting at the table or wherever i'm eating breakfast and reading the Word, then at night, underlining passages & reading a day of "the Book of Hope" that my friend sent me. I am also trying to stay on top of journaling each day and writing a blurb of what happened that day in a letter to Kennedy...I like thinking about looking back on this time and talking with Kennedy down the road of how God used it for His good when it was not a pleasant circumstance-- and we sure have had times where we can't see the good.
the book of Joshua caught my eye the other day, as I was thinking of the overused verses of "be strong, do not be dismayed, the Lord your God is with you, etc."...verses I have heard over and over again. I could tell you the very shortened version of what I know about Joshua, but something enticed me about reading of his story, wondering why the Lord kept saying, be strong, do not fear, the Lord will be with you. So, I started reading...and God commands Joshua to do thing after thing in leading His people...in a very short summation, what I got from these chapters was wow- Joshua obeyed...and without question. He didn't ask God questions about WHY he was told to do what he was told to do. He never complained or said he had other plans he had figured out...his faith was deep, simple, and he followed God's call. His love and trust in God and His character are what I noticed in me I do not have when things don't go my way. And my prayers lately to God have been- I KNOW your plan cannot be changed...I KNOW they are for my good...Lord, help me believe. Or if i'm in the car and have no words but am longing to just talk to God, I ask Him to just help me, to just be with me, and to fill me. being content seems like a far off notion for me to experience...but when I think of God more, when I think that He is love and His plans are good and far exceed what I will understand, I thank Him and praise Him and my heart feels settled.
Kennedy and I simultaneously had the idea of reading the Psalms backwards (there are 150)...1 for each day that he is gone- which actually our countdown is to 140...so he said he was reading a few to catch up to 140. Funny how we both had that idea and he brought it up today. He has gotten "settled" in Afghanistan. We are both still adjusting to time differences for talking, but starting to get the hang of it. I have been so thankful to get to talk to him whenever the opportunity arises, which for now has been every day. He's doing training this week and then should have a better idea of his "job"...but definitely has some more clarity than he did going in.
I wish I could write a book on our experiences, our relationship, just everything about our story. that may be on my personal bucket list- to write a book of our story. I also wish I could blog every single thought that has crossed my mind regarding this experience...it is difficult, but it is challenging and strengthening. and you don't know how challenged or stretched you can be until you are...and I think then you realize where your trust and heart really lie.
Joshua 1:8-9
"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go".
I am trying to get in a routine of a morning email w/a Jesus Calling entry to Kennedy, then a time of just sitting at the table or wherever i'm eating breakfast and reading the Word, then at night, underlining passages & reading a day of "the Book of Hope" that my friend sent me. I am also trying to stay on top of journaling each day and writing a blurb of what happened that day in a letter to Kennedy...I like thinking about looking back on this time and talking with Kennedy down the road of how God used it for His good when it was not a pleasant circumstance-- and we sure have had times where we can't see the good.
the book of Joshua caught my eye the other day, as I was thinking of the overused verses of "be strong, do not be dismayed, the Lord your God is with you, etc."...verses I have heard over and over again. I could tell you the very shortened version of what I know about Joshua, but something enticed me about reading of his story, wondering why the Lord kept saying, be strong, do not fear, the Lord will be with you. So, I started reading...and God commands Joshua to do thing after thing in leading His people...in a very short summation, what I got from these chapters was wow- Joshua obeyed...and without question. He didn't ask God questions about WHY he was told to do what he was told to do. He never complained or said he had other plans he had figured out...his faith was deep, simple, and he followed God's call. His love and trust in God and His character are what I noticed in me I do not have when things don't go my way. And my prayers lately to God have been- I KNOW your plan cannot be changed...I KNOW they are for my good...Lord, help me believe. Or if i'm in the car and have no words but am longing to just talk to God, I ask Him to just help me, to just be with me, and to fill me. being content seems like a far off notion for me to experience...but when I think of God more, when I think that He is love and His plans are good and far exceed what I will understand, I thank Him and praise Him and my heart feels settled.
Kennedy and I simultaneously had the idea of reading the Psalms backwards (there are 150)...1 for each day that he is gone- which actually our countdown is to 140...so he said he was reading a few to catch up to 140. Funny how we both had that idea and he brought it up today. He has gotten "settled" in Afghanistan. We are both still adjusting to time differences for talking, but starting to get the hang of it. I have been so thankful to get to talk to him whenever the opportunity arises, which for now has been every day. He's doing training this week and then should have a better idea of his "job"...but definitely has some more clarity than he did going in.
I wish I could write a book on our experiences, our relationship, just everything about our story. that may be on my personal bucket list- to write a book of our story. I also wish I could blog every single thought that has crossed my mind regarding this experience...it is difficult, but it is challenging and strengthening. and you don't know how challenged or stretched you can be until you are...and I think then you realize where your trust and heart really lie.
Joshua 1:8-9
"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go".
Thursday, December 12, 2013
"But I am Trusting"
Thankful this morning that Kennedy made it safely to Afghanistan. I think he is pretty tired and in need of lots of rest. We were able to talk a little on the phone this morning, it is his bedtime (he's going to sleep early to be able to get up early tomorrow morning for work). Thankful he was able to call! Several praises so far for Kennedy already: Safety and protection during his long travels, hopefully much needed rest tonight, he kindof has clarity as to what he will be doing, the chaplain that married us at Fort Riley is across the hall from him, and he has several friends over there that either went to flight school with him or he knew out in CA. I told Kennedy this morning that we will just think of these next few months as if he was at a summer camp working...that kindof makes me feel better.
My friend gave me a book called the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I have enjoyed every page of it, and am hoping to make it a habit to read every day. One of this week's readings says this:
"But I am Trusting"-
I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" my future is in your hands.- Psalm 31:10, 14-15
The author found out that her baby would have Zellweger Syndrome, a fatal genetic syndrome and that the baby would not live very long. She said after finding out, she and her husband went through a list of Scripture verses and found this to be full of hope (the verses in Psalm 31 above).
She says, "I would like to tell you that our desire to trust in God erased the fear we had about the future- but it wouldn't be true. what I will tell you is that we DETERMINED to trust God with the future. And it wasn't a decision we made one day for forever. It is a decision we made again EVERY day (or at least most days) and a decision we continued to make every day. It's the same for you. Will you trust God today even as your life feels shortened by sadness? Will you surrender your future into the loving hands of God?"
And the prayer: You are my God, and I want to trust you with the hurts of my past and the pain that may be in my future. Today I choose to trust you and believe you'll give me the grace to trust you tomorrow, too.
My hope for Kennedy and me in these next few months is to say, "But I am Trusting" and make that decision and commitment daily to be DETERMINED to trust God with each moment that is passing that we are not together.
My parents, who are very wise people, said (in the form of my dad bringing it up at breakfast this morning) to be strong for Kennedy and let him know I am capable of keeping up with things here so that he can go and do his job well and not be concerned and worried as to what is going on here. Can I miss him and be sad? Absolutely...but being strong, leaning into the Lord, and encouraging Kennedy is something my focus should be on instead of the sadness we may feel.
God, thank you for your Word that gives ultimate comfort. For your promises you speak through your Word that we freely have. And thank you for comforts in forms of family and friends. And thank you we can come to you with our hurts and you give us strength, peace, and meet us with open arms.
From the suggestions of our sister in law who has been through deployments with Kennedy's bro being gone, she said they kept a bucket list email thread...which I think Kennedy and I are going to try to start up. We also are going to try to read a book together, Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage...Since August (right before we got married) we have been saying we are going to read this book together...and we have both read it individually, but we thought it would be a good idea to start reading it together now to give us something to do and talk about together.
Closing out with a hymn I listened to over and over again yesterday:
My friend gave me a book called the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I have enjoyed every page of it, and am hoping to make it a habit to read every day. One of this week's readings says this:
"But I am Trusting"-
I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" my future is in your hands.- Psalm 31:10, 14-15
The author found out that her baby would have Zellweger Syndrome, a fatal genetic syndrome and that the baby would not live very long. She said after finding out, she and her husband went through a list of Scripture verses and found this to be full of hope (the verses in Psalm 31 above).
She says, "I would like to tell you that our desire to trust in God erased the fear we had about the future- but it wouldn't be true. what I will tell you is that we DETERMINED to trust God with the future. And it wasn't a decision we made one day for forever. It is a decision we made again EVERY day (or at least most days) and a decision we continued to make every day. It's the same for you. Will you trust God today even as your life feels shortened by sadness? Will you surrender your future into the loving hands of God?"
And the prayer: You are my God, and I want to trust you with the hurts of my past and the pain that may be in my future. Today I choose to trust you and believe you'll give me the grace to trust you tomorrow, too.
My hope for Kennedy and me in these next few months is to say, "But I am Trusting" and make that decision and commitment daily to be DETERMINED to trust God with each moment that is passing that we are not together.
My parents, who are very wise people, said (in the form of my dad bringing it up at breakfast this morning) to be strong for Kennedy and let him know I am capable of keeping up with things here so that he can go and do his job well and not be concerned and worried as to what is going on here. Can I miss him and be sad? Absolutely...but being strong, leaning into the Lord, and encouraging Kennedy is something my focus should be on instead of the sadness we may feel.
God, thank you for your Word that gives ultimate comfort. For your promises you speak through your Word that we freely have. And thank you for comforts in forms of family and friends. And thank you we can come to you with our hurts and you give us strength, peace, and meet us with open arms.
From the suggestions of our sister in law who has been through deployments with Kennedy's bro being gone, she said they kept a bucket list email thread...which I think Kennedy and I are going to try to start up. We also are going to try to read a book together, Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage...Since August (right before we got married) we have been saying we are going to read this book together...and we have both read it individually, but we thought it would be a good idea to start reading it together now to give us something to do and talk about together.
Closing out with a hymn I listened to over and over again yesterday:
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
One less day
My heart is heavy tonight as I am writing this. The above title pertains to Kennedy and mine's countdown to when he will come home from Afghanistan. And right now we are at "one less day" because we aren't sure the exact number of days until he gets there. Right now, he is en route. The past 48-72 hours have been interesting for us.
Sunday night, Kennedy had to be on post at 11:30 pm. He had to take the military van to the airport with 2 other guys that are late deployers to make a 6:00 am flight in Kansas City (which is 2.5ish hours away from where we live in Kansas).
All day Sunday, 11:30 pm loomed over our heads. It was a day of spending a lot of time laughing and just being together and lounging around...Kennedy was finishing up packing, I was trying to pack, and every other moment my emotions would go crazy...crying every minute it felt like. I just knew 11:30 pm was going to come and I couldn't stop it. One of Kennedy and mine's favorite movies is You've Got Mail...to which we have given each other the nicknames: shopgirl and NY152...so in the midst of tears, Kennedy has a way of making me smile by saying "Don't cry, shopgirl, don't cry". And somehow, that phrase brightens my face with a smile. I asked him yesterday what his "152" is...I think we decided it would be the number of chicken casseroles I would make him in our life together.
Back to Sunday. I dropped him off on post...literally, dropped him... I got out and gave him a quick hug, because his arms were loaded with 6 bags...he looked like a packing mule. Soooo many bags. I felt helpless in helping him carry them, and he looked helpless, but he is much stronger and got them into the building no problem! He turned around in the cold snowy night and waved goodbye as I got in my car....and cue the unstoppable tears. I sobbed, called my mom (who had stayed awake to talk to me), and then my dear friend called me on my lonely drive to the apartment. The words she spoke and her encouragement were JUST what I needed in those moments.
For a few weeks now, I have not prayed about Kennedy's deployment...simply because I was frustrated. I have been upset with the fact that our plans have changed...that God has somehow seen it more fit to have us apart after only having lived together for less than a month as a married couple...and I have not wanted to go to him with this situation. I have wanted to clam up and not have to bring this to the Lord. So that night, I was telling my friend how I knew I needed to go to the Lord, I knew both Kennedy and I need His strength, but I felt like I couldn't pray because I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like I could muster up the faith to know what to voice to God. My friend brought up the lyrics to "Come Ye Sinner"...If you have time, you should look up the lyrics...but the part she pointed out was the verse that says- without money, without money, come and buy.
No matter the condition we are in, Jesus still bids us to come. He LONGS for us to come to Him. The first verse says- come ye sinners poor and wretched, weak and wounded, sick and sore, Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity love and pow'r.
I love that part too. I have felt weak, my heart is wretched, I am poor and have little faith...but Jesus ready stands to save me...even in that condition? really? My faith is based on what He has done. I needed this beautiful Gospel spoken to me...I need it spoken over and over again.
So before going to sleep, I cried ALOUD and voiced my feelings to God...telling Him how much I needed his strength...how much Kennedy needs His strength...and ultimately telling Him my faith was small in these moments, but oh how I knew my need for Him! And praying that He would give me a sense of knowing, even in the smallest of ways, that He would meet me right there in the broken condition I found myself. And He did.
I mentioned all of this to Kennedy over a poor Wi-Fi connection via Skype yesterday...and he emailed me saying that God was reaching out to me through friends, family, etc. even when I didn't feel like reaching out to Him. Truth. Sidenote: something that we did for his deployment was switch Bibles...so he took my scribbled in/crinkly Bible with him and I have his study Bible. Crazy and ironic, but we have both stated how much closer we feel reading the other one's Bible.
Back to Monday now. Barely getting any amount of sleep Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning not feeling that tired...but feeling an overwhelming sadness...again, with uncontrollable tears and emotions.
I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me, but was looking forward to time to think, pray, and then talk to friends/family. it was a long drive! but so thankful for people in our lives that are lifting us up in prayer- they are lifting Kennedy up in prayer, for his safety and safe return, and they are praying for comfort for both of us. (And God painted an amazing sunset on my drive through Arkansas...with pinks and oranges overflowing to the snow covered ground.)
It is hard to put into words how Kennedy's love for me has given me glimpses of Christ's love for me. His sacrifice and willingness to give of his time and energy for others is inexpressible. But his love and commitment to prayer and his faith and to trusting and obeying the Lord's Will have inspired me tremendously.
So this begins a 4/5-6 month time apart from each other. Praying for clarity for his job that he will know what he will be doing once he gets over there...for comfort in times of loneliness/sadness that we will experience, and for safety, and for finding time to spend in reading the Bible while he is there.
We are together praying for this experience to be strengthening for our relationships with God first and foremost, and strengthening for our marriage.
Some verses I have found comforting through this:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand". Isaiah 14:24 (I know it, Lord, but help me believe)
"O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful, and sure...For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat...And he will swallow up on this mountain, the covering that is cast over all peoples; the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from ALL faces..."Isaiah 25:1-4,8
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4
Sunday night, Kennedy had to be on post at 11:30 pm. He had to take the military van to the airport with 2 other guys that are late deployers to make a 6:00 am flight in Kansas City (which is 2.5ish hours away from where we live in Kansas).
All day Sunday, 11:30 pm loomed over our heads. It was a day of spending a lot of time laughing and just being together and lounging around...Kennedy was finishing up packing, I was trying to pack, and every other moment my emotions would go crazy...crying every minute it felt like. I just knew 11:30 pm was going to come and I couldn't stop it. One of Kennedy and mine's favorite movies is You've Got Mail...to which we have given each other the nicknames: shopgirl and NY152...so in the midst of tears, Kennedy has a way of making me smile by saying "Don't cry, shopgirl, don't cry". And somehow, that phrase brightens my face with a smile. I asked him yesterday what his "152" is...I think we decided it would be the number of chicken casseroles I would make him in our life together.
Back to Sunday. I dropped him off on post...literally, dropped him... I got out and gave him a quick hug, because his arms were loaded with 6 bags...he looked like a packing mule. Soooo many bags. I felt helpless in helping him carry them, and he looked helpless, but he is much stronger and got them into the building no problem! He turned around in the cold snowy night and waved goodbye as I got in my car....and cue the unstoppable tears. I sobbed, called my mom (who had stayed awake to talk to me), and then my dear friend called me on my lonely drive to the apartment. The words she spoke and her encouragement were JUST what I needed in those moments.
For a few weeks now, I have not prayed about Kennedy's deployment...simply because I was frustrated. I have been upset with the fact that our plans have changed...that God has somehow seen it more fit to have us apart after only having lived together for less than a month as a married couple...and I have not wanted to go to him with this situation. I have wanted to clam up and not have to bring this to the Lord. So that night, I was telling my friend how I knew I needed to go to the Lord, I knew both Kennedy and I need His strength, but I felt like I couldn't pray because I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like I could muster up the faith to know what to voice to God. My friend brought up the lyrics to "Come Ye Sinner"...If you have time, you should look up the lyrics...but the part she pointed out was the verse that says- without money, without money, come and buy.
No matter the condition we are in, Jesus still bids us to come. He LONGS for us to come to Him. The first verse says- come ye sinners poor and wretched, weak and wounded, sick and sore, Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity love and pow'r.
I love that part too. I have felt weak, my heart is wretched, I am poor and have little faith...but Jesus ready stands to save me...even in that condition? really? My faith is based on what He has done. I needed this beautiful Gospel spoken to me...I need it spoken over and over again.
So before going to sleep, I cried ALOUD and voiced my feelings to God...telling Him how much I needed his strength...how much Kennedy needs His strength...and ultimately telling Him my faith was small in these moments, but oh how I knew my need for Him! And praying that He would give me a sense of knowing, even in the smallest of ways, that He would meet me right there in the broken condition I found myself. And He did.
I mentioned all of this to Kennedy over a poor Wi-Fi connection via Skype yesterday...and he emailed me saying that God was reaching out to me through friends, family, etc. even when I didn't feel like reaching out to Him. Truth. Sidenote: something that we did for his deployment was switch Bibles...so he took my scribbled in/crinkly Bible with him and I have his study Bible. Crazy and ironic, but we have both stated how much closer we feel reading the other one's Bible.
Back to Monday now. Barely getting any amount of sleep Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning not feeling that tired...but feeling an overwhelming sadness...again, with uncontrollable tears and emotions.
I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me, but was looking forward to time to think, pray, and then talk to friends/family. it was a long drive! but so thankful for people in our lives that are lifting us up in prayer- they are lifting Kennedy up in prayer, for his safety and safe return, and they are praying for comfort for both of us. (And God painted an amazing sunset on my drive through Arkansas...with pinks and oranges overflowing to the snow covered ground.)
It is hard to put into words how Kennedy's love for me has given me glimpses of Christ's love for me. His sacrifice and willingness to give of his time and energy for others is inexpressible. But his love and commitment to prayer and his faith and to trusting and obeying the Lord's Will have inspired me tremendously.
So this begins a 4/5-6 month time apart from each other. Praying for clarity for his job that he will know what he will be doing once he gets over there...for comfort in times of loneliness/sadness that we will experience, and for safety, and for finding time to spend in reading the Bible while he is there.
We are together praying for this experience to be strengthening for our relationships with God first and foremost, and strengthening for our marriage.
Some verses I have found comforting through this:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand". Isaiah 14:24 (I know it, Lord, but help me believe)
"O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful, and sure...For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat...And he will swallow up on this mountain, the covering that is cast over all peoples; the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from ALL faces..."Isaiah 25:1-4,8
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4
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