in the midst of circumstances that stink and leave us asking Why...how do we rest and stay "ok" with what God's plan is that is His perfect, loving plan. In the past 6 days, I have searched and searched my Bible (Kennedy's Bible) more than ever...searching for stories/passages/ANYTHING that has any sort of comforting word from God. I've found myself still picking up the Bible, even though parts of me don't want to see another passage that says "I will yet trust in God" or "God is my refuge"...when at times, I don't really feel that. all the while, I find myself longing for more passages like that.
I am trying to get in a routine of a morning email w/a Jesus Calling entry to Kennedy, then a time of just sitting at the table or wherever i'm eating breakfast and reading the Word, then at night, underlining passages & reading a day of "the Book of Hope" that my friend sent me. I am also trying to stay on top of journaling each day and writing a blurb of what happened that day in a letter to Kennedy...I like thinking about looking back on this time and talking with Kennedy down the road of how God used it for His good when it was not a pleasant circumstance-- and we sure have had times where we can't see the good.
the book of Joshua caught my eye the other day, as I was thinking of the overused verses of "be strong, do not be dismayed, the Lord your God is with you, etc."...verses I have heard over and over again. I could tell you the very shortened version of what I know about Joshua, but something enticed me about reading of his story, wondering why the Lord kept saying, be strong, do not fear, the Lord will be with you. So, I started reading...and God commands Joshua to do thing after thing in leading His people...in a very short summation, what I got from these chapters was wow- Joshua obeyed...and without question. He didn't ask God questions about WHY he was told to do what he was told to do. He never complained or said he had other plans he had figured out...his faith was deep, simple, and he followed God's call. His love and trust in God and His character are what I noticed in me I do not have when things don't go my way. And my prayers lately to God have been- I KNOW your plan cannot be changed...I KNOW they are for my good...Lord, help me believe. Or if i'm in the car and have no words but am longing to just talk to God, I ask Him to just help me, to just be with me, and to fill me. being content seems like a far off notion for me to experience...but when I think of God more, when I think that He is love and His plans are good and far exceed what I will understand, I thank Him and praise Him and my heart feels settled.
Kennedy and I simultaneously had the idea of reading the Psalms backwards (there are 150)...1 for each day that he is gone- which actually our countdown is to 140...so he said he was reading a few to catch up to 140. Funny how we both had that idea and he brought it up today. He has gotten "settled" in Afghanistan. We are both still adjusting to time differences for talking, but starting to get the hang of it. I have been so thankful to get to talk to him whenever the opportunity arises, which for now has been every day. He's doing training this week and then should have a better idea of his "job"...but definitely has some more clarity than he did going in.
I wish I could write a book on our experiences, our relationship, just everything about our story. that may be on my personal bucket list- to write a book of our story. I also wish I could blog every single thought that has crossed my mind regarding this experience...it is difficult, but it is challenging and strengthening. and you don't know how challenged or stretched you can be until you are...and I think then you realize where your trust and heart really lie.
Joshua 1:8-9
"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go".
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