One less day

My heart is heavy tonight as I am writing this. The above title pertains to Kennedy and mine's countdown to when he will come home from Afghanistan. And right now we are at "one less day" because we aren't sure the exact number of days until he gets there. Right now, he is en route. The past 48-72 hours have been interesting for us.
Sunday night, Kennedy had to be on post at 11:30 pm. He had to take the military van to the airport with 2 other guys that are late deployers to make a 6:00 am flight in Kansas City (which is 2.5ish hours away from where we live in Kansas).
All day Sunday, 11:30 pm loomed over our heads. It was a day of spending a lot of time laughing and just being together and lounging around...Kennedy was finishing up packing, I was trying to pack, and every other moment my emotions would go crazy...crying every minute it felt like. I just knew 11:30 pm was going to come and I couldn't stop it. One of Kennedy and mine's favorite movies is You've Got Mail...to which we have given each other the nicknames: shopgirl and NY152...so in the midst of tears, Kennedy has a way of making me smile by saying "Don't cry, shopgirl, don't cry". And somehow, that phrase brightens my face with a smile. I asked him yesterday what his "152" is...I think we decided it would be the number of chicken casseroles I would make him in our life together.
Back to Sunday. I dropped him off on post...literally, dropped him... I got out and gave him a quick hug, because his arms were loaded with 6 bags...he looked like a packing mule. Soooo many bags. I felt helpless in helping him carry them, and he looked helpless, but he is much stronger and got them into the building no problem! He turned around in the cold snowy night and waved goodbye as I got in my car....and cue the unstoppable tears. I sobbed, called my mom (who had stayed awake to talk to me), and then my dear friend called me on my lonely drive to the apartment. The words she spoke and her encouragement were JUST what I needed in those moments.
For a few weeks now, I have not prayed about Kennedy's deployment...simply because I was frustrated. I have been upset with the fact that our plans have changed...that God has somehow seen it more fit to have us apart after only having lived together for less than a month as a married couple...and I have not wanted to go to him with this situation. I have wanted to clam up and not have to bring this to the Lord. So that night, I was telling my friend how I knew I needed to go to the Lord, I knew both Kennedy and I need His strength, but I felt like I couldn't pray because I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like I could muster up the faith to know what to voice to God. My friend brought up the lyrics to "Come Ye Sinner"...If you have time, you should look up the lyrics...but the part she pointed out was the verse that says- without money, without money, come and buy.
No matter the condition we are in, Jesus still bids us to come. He LONGS for us to come to Him. The first verse says- come ye sinners poor and wretched, weak and wounded, sick and sore, Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity love and pow'r.
I love that part too. I have felt weak, my heart is wretched, I am poor and have little faith...but Jesus ready stands to save me...even in that condition? really? My faith is based on what He has done. I needed this beautiful Gospel spoken to me...I need it spoken over and over again.
So before going to sleep, I cried ALOUD and voiced my feelings to God...telling Him how much I needed his strength...how much Kennedy needs His strength...and ultimately telling Him my faith was small in these moments, but oh how I knew my need for Him! And praying that He would give me a sense of knowing, even in the smallest of ways, that He would meet me right there in the broken condition I found myself. And He did.
I mentioned all of this to Kennedy over a poor Wi-Fi connection via Skype yesterday...and he emailed me saying that God was reaching out to me through friends, family, etc. even when I didn't feel like reaching out to Him. Truth. Sidenote: something that we did for his deployment was switch Bibles...so he took my scribbled in/crinkly Bible with him and I have his study Bible. Crazy and ironic, but we have both stated how much closer we feel reading the other one's Bible.
Back to Monday now. Barely getting any amount of sleep Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning not feeling that tired...but feeling an overwhelming sadness...again, with uncontrollable tears and emotions.
I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me, but was looking forward to time to think, pray, and then talk to friends/family. it was a long drive! but so thankful for people in our lives that are lifting us up in prayer- they are lifting Kennedy up in prayer, for his safety and safe return, and they are praying for comfort for both of us. (And God painted an amazing sunset on my drive through Arkansas...with pinks and oranges overflowing to the snow covered ground.)
It is hard to put into words how Kennedy's love for me has given me glimpses of Christ's love for me. His sacrifice and willingness to give of his time and energy for others is inexpressible. But his love and commitment to prayer and his faith and to trusting and obeying the Lord's Will have inspired me tremendously.
So this begins a 4/5-6 month time apart from each other. Praying for clarity for his job that he will know what he will be doing once he gets over there...for comfort in times of loneliness/sadness that we will experience, and for safety, and for finding time to spend in reading the Bible while he is there.
We are together praying for this experience to be strengthening for our relationships with God first and foremost, and strengthening for our marriage.
Some verses I have found comforting through this:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand". Isaiah 14:24 (I know it, Lord, but help me believe)
"O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful, and sure...For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat...And he will swallow up on this mountain, the covering that is cast over all peoples; the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from ALL faces..."Isaiah 25:1-4,8
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4