Come quickly to me O God

To say that I haven't cried much since kennedy has left would be lying. Many times I feel okay and outwardly I seem okay, but at the end of the day in my bed at night, I'm sad and teary eyed. But I've built up in my mind that I'm going to be okay. That I'm going to be strong. But tonight it has hit me once again that it's okay to be sad. 1- I'm sick and feverish feeling. My head and sinuses feel like theyre full of bricks. 2- the one person I want to make it feel better is kennedy. 3- it's okay tonight to cry and let some tears out. The times I most expect tears to fall are at night. So tonight is one of those where I say to myself- get it together and fall asleep or get out the Bible and turn to the psalms... I'm pretty sure that latter concept comes from God's leading because left to my own thoughts and myself i would rather ignore a psalm that says anything about finding comfort in God, because there are times where I read the words and I'm not even really reading. So tonight I am in psalm 70... And scan the chapter as most times I do to find comfort and I see verses 4-5. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you may those who love your salvation always say let God be exalted! Yet I am poor and needy come quickly to me o God you are my help and my deliverer O Lord do not delay.
I know too well the latter part of these verses. But then I remember the former part that says but may those who love your salvation ALWAYS say let God be exalted. And i am also reminded this life, my circumstances- everything- this isn't about me. It is about the bigger picture. And through my tears God is working out His salvation and bringing into fruition the Gospel in my life. I was telling someone the other day that I pray God uses this time and the uprooting of my heart and breaking down of comforts to bring Glory to Himself. Because this is what my life should be about- Him. I am poor and needy. I am selfish thinking this chapter of life is one I didn't sign up for...but... Let me always proclaim and say "let God be exalted!"

God's gracious design

I stumbled across a good blog post by John Piper the other day that I found so encouraging. I love the last part of the post that says:
"Do not think that your wound has come to you apart from God's gracious design. Remember his word: “See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god besides me . . . I wound and I heal” (Deuteronomy 32:39).
May God grant a special grace to you who are groaning under some burden. Look eagerly for the new tenderness of love God is imparting to you even now."
I also love this Psalm- 119 (verse 71) that says it was good for me that I was afflicted...
I find comfort today that affliction is good... and is part of God's gracious design. And that through affliction and through uncomfortable circumstances He calls us and draws us to find comfort in Him alone. nothing or no one else.
K has been working long shifts...and starts some with aviation this week, more the education/training part than actual flying. we haven't gotten to talk as much the past few days because of our schedules. I have to be honest and say there were days where I was finding comfort in talking with kennedy more than in the Word. I was kindof holding on to talking with him as the only tangible comfort. At his church his family goes to in Tampa today, the pastor was talking about the parable of the rich young ruler...and how Jesus tells him to sell everything he has and follow him in order to be a disciple and enter the kingdom of God. the pastor posed the question- is there anything in your life, anything you are holding on to that you can't let go that is keeping you from drawing near to God? I was thinking how I like to keep everything in control...I like to plan and have some kind of order. I like to know and believe that Kennedy will be ok and will come home safely. If I'm honest, I idolize the day he is returning and we will be able to live in Kansas and start living life together. I think about that so often. So many things have been uprooted in my heart during this time that I am seeing and that I want to turn away from and run to my Savior. I want to give him everything that I want to hold on to that keeps me from putting Him first. in loving Kennedy, I want to give him to the Lord and our marriage and rest in that God is above and bigger than everything. when I am sad or lonely, Kennedy always reminds me- "Danielle, I love you more than anything, but I can never love you as much or as perfectly as Jesus does." I'm thankful for God, His plans that cannot be thwarted, His gracious design that includes suffering/hard roads/afflictions...that glorify Him and beckon my heart to come close to Him.

Knowing Him

I'm realizing that I'm not inspired to blog every day, but when I do feel inspired I kindof feel like there are expectations to meet like I want my post to be good or deep or something I've taken away from a sermon or something someone said. Today is a day though where I don't have anything that' really meets my blog expectations but I have some free time to just write and share what's been on my heart lately.
I've been reading through the book of acts. You know those books of the bible where you think you know them and you've heard about them your whole life but when you sit down to really read, things pop out at you that you never knew? In this case, I've spent my whole life kindof skimming through acts. Just thinking in the back of my kind that none of it applied to me. But reading it the last few days has been, not to sound dramatic but I am, life-changing. What weighs on my mind is how faithful Paul and barnabas and those in Christ are to the gospel and spreading the Word to complete strangers- and to places where God led them to go and share and they did, and they knew they would suffer- God knew they would suffer. But it was for His gospel and word to spread among the peoples.  I also am realizing through just this book that I am so intrigued by Jesus more and more just by reading about him! And it gives me chills and convicts my heart by thinking THAT is what he longs for- for a relationship with me no matter where my heart is- but he wants me to long to know him and love him and treasure him. I think of how much time you invest in a relationship- for instance marriage or dating and getting to know someone. I know for me the more I get to know kennedy and spend time with him or talking with him, the more I'm drawn to want to know him and love him. Shouldn't it be the same concept but exaggerated so much greater in my relationship with The Lord? I am just blown away by Gods grace that pursues me and allows me to read His Word and see how focused I can get on earthly relationships to bring me joy and fill me when He ultimately brings me ultimate joy and comfort from spending time with Him.
All of this to say... I'm loving the book of acts but even moreso am loving learning more about him and having this somewhat reminder epiphany of what a relationship with Jesus truly looks like.

Jesus' sorrow

I sent this in an email to k last night. Katie and I met yesterday for our study through the one year book of hope. We both got caught up in the following verses from Hebrews and are committing them to memory. I also got lost in the story of Jesus' death and the prayer of anguish he cried out to His Father in gethsemane before his crucifixion. I am in awe:

"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications (KT and I looked up the meaning of this word, which means to plead humbly), with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered". Isn't that an incredible image of Jesus, the Son of God? Jesus, who lived a perfect sinless life, in obedience DIED for imperfect sinful people like you and me...and He lifted up PRAYERS and supplications to the Only One able to save him from death...and He was heard...but He obeyed and suffered because this was God's Will for His people...that's how much we are loved by our Father in Heaven. Doesn't that blow your mind?

The last part of that section (v 9) says, "And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to ALL who obey him".

We also read Luke 22:39-46...And it just reminds us of the humanness of Jesus...I love these verses:

And he came out and went as was his custom to the Mount of Olives and the disciples followed him. and when he came to the place he said to them, pray that you may not enter into temptation. and he withdrew from them about a stone's throw and knelt down and prayed saying Father if you are willing, remove this cup from Me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.

And there appeared to him an angel from heaven, STRENGTHENING him. and being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground. and when he rose from prayer he came to the disciples and found them sleeping for sorrow, and he said to them RISE and PRAY that you may not enter into temptation.

- I love this...I think one version in another account says that Jesus fell on his FACE and cried out to God. can you imagine what the disciples were thinking when they saw this? they were sorrowful as well...but to see their Teacher, Friend, and King CRYING out for this to pass from Him. I like how the above verses in Hebrews 5 talk about how Jesus was praying to God who was ABLE to save him from death...but chose not to in order to give us eternal life. 

Take away: Jesus can relate to our deepest grief and sorrow. He bore the greatest pain of all... And out of obedience and for us. That puts this life into perspective and the depth of His love. 

Something to think about!

My Psalm 119

I think every post on this could be about the One Year Book of Hope that I am going through with a friend and how encouraging and uplifting that book has been for me. Last week we decided as our homework to write out our own "versions" of Psalm 119. When you read Psalm 119, you hear of the psalmist's affliction...but you also see over and over again praises given to God for His Word that is the psalmist's DELIGHT and for His faithfulness and steadfast love. I have been thinking, I've been in this funk and yeah, I've seen "affliction"...but where does my heart turn? Can I honestly say, But GOD I remember your steadfast love...or your law is my delight? or I TREASURE Your Word? I thought it would be neat to write up our own versions of Psalm 119. So here's my "short"er and sweet version of Psalm 119:
"Praising the Lord for his goodness in spite of my heart. My heart and mind are afflicted with trusting God's presence and sovereignty in the midst of my circumstances. Deep in my heart I truly want to believe Him, but there is affliction and distrust and I can't see past. And I want to truly trust and believe God's truth. I see so much of myself and my own desires on this earth that I can't even see the light of Jesus. BUT Lord you are light and just speaking your name brings power. Your Word is power. and You are love. Lord strengthen me and encourage me through your Word and through my prayers to you. O Lord, you can do great things! Give me strength and help me overcome my unbelief right now. Because I know my heart is hardened to you. I just feel apart from you at times in understanding what is going on. Help me Lord! Thank you for your faithfulness and blessings. And my heart is cherishing and dancing and singing praises for you steadfast love!!!"
I am sharing this, because I have found it encouraging...to jot down how my heart and mind are feeling...but to turn to the Lord and let my mind dwell on His goodness is something beautiful. Challenge: write your own version of Ps 119. and let the Lord open your heart to Him.

Each day comes with blessings

It's a new year. I look back on 2013 and remember so many wonderful unforgettable things and yet also some tragic unforgettable things...like one of my best friends losing their baby Mary Anna who lived such a short life... But a life that has blessed so many. Their story blows my mind but what is even more overwhelming is seeing how God works in the darkest of times. The fact that they can see the good and the light in the midst of their tragedy is totally God. And then I think of what a testimony they have through their loss. And then I think of 2013 for kennedy and me... Our meeting up for the first time, our engagement, our marriage, me moving from Nashville and my job to go out there to Kansas, and then our worlds totally turning around and him leaving for Afghanistan. Definitely a time of sadness, but in my heart, a sense of urgency to run to God! And soooo many blessings throughout each day that if I don't stop and just sit for a minute, I know I would miss. And oh how I need to stop more and just praise God for the people, experiences, and day to day blessings God gives us. He is still God, He is still on His throne. And nothing comes as a surprise to Him. I pray He would help me to rest, and to live looking for and thanking him for the blessings. And to not miss opportunities to see Him in day to day moments. I get daily emails from Paul David Tripp, a Christian author. This came to my inbox yesterday and what a gift of an email it was:

"The fact of the matter is that the transforming work of grace is more of a mundane process than it is a series of a few dramatic events. Personal heart and life change is always a process. And where does that process take place? It takes place where you and I live everyday. And where do we live? We all have the same address - the utterly mundane.

I don't want to discourage you from making a resolution or tell you to throw away what you've already written, but I do want to challenge your way of thinking. You see, the character of your life won't be established in two or three dramatic moments, but in 10,000 little moments. Your legacy will be shaped more by the 10,000 little decisions you make in 2014 rather than the last-minute resolution you're about to make.

Jesus is Emmanuel not just because he came to earth, but because he makes you the place where he dwells. This means he is present and active in all the mundane moments of your daily life. In these small moments he is delivering every redemptive promise he has made to you. In these unremarkable moments, he is working to rescue you from you and transform you into his likeness.

By sovereign grace he places you in daily little moments that are designed to take you beyond your character, wisdom and grace so that you'll seek the help and hope that can only be found in him. In a lifelong process of change, he is undoing you and rebuilding you again - exactly what each one of us needs!"

Here's to 2014... To live in the mundane and cherish his grace and be grateful for his saving work.  And to have our eyes opened to little blessings & to opportunities to share his love and grace and blessings with others.