"After all, you are only good"- Not for a Moment

This is a song I go back to a lot, especially when I am driving, windows down, and feel like singing loudly. Thinking back over the few years and especially the past year, these lyrics nudge me to be more and more grateful for God's perfect plan and timing. Through the past years, God has had to work in my admittedly stubborn self to let go of what I thought I wanted and thought was part of His plan and to grab hold of His hand and trust and follow where He was leading. I can't help but listen to "Not for a Moment" and not think of my past, present, and future as being completely mapped out for me by my Heavenly Father, who is, has, and will be faithful in sparing me from what I think I want and what I deem best. I could go into detail on my past, on what I thought was best for my life, on trying to control situations, on being so inner focused that I could not see a way out- but I will simply say that if it weren't for those times and seeing God working in those events and in my hardest of hearts, I don't think I would be able to express what I know to be good and true of Him. This morning, I came across 1 Timothy 1:14-17...

"and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the ONLY God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

Amen. HE is the ONLY God. I need the Holy Spirit to remind mySELF of that every second of every day!

I am grateful for God's perfect patience with me, a sinner- stubborn in my desires and what I want to control and plan out for my life. Strengthening in daily submission to His purposes and Lordship is my prayer. "After all, You are constant. After all, You are good." We never know what He will take and bring us through...but we can know and be confident that He is constant, only good, sovereign, and will not forsake us if we are in Him...no matter if we are in the dark and can only hear His whispering promises.

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

And every step every breath You are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my heart at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 

Wisdom

For the past few weeks, Betty (an older lady that Kennedy and I met at the apartment gym when we were living here in November) has been inviting us to a Bible study that she and her husband have been doing for the past 12 weeks with one of the apartment employees. The employee that we have met a few times claims Catholicism, but I don't think she has had a steady study of the Bible according to Betty. After hearing this, Betty and her husband befriended her and have been going through the book of John verse by verse- to which the employee has been very receptive. Hesitantly, Kennedy and I considered whether or not to commit to the study and last night was the start of a new study as they just finished the book of John. We were hesitant only because we don't want to over commit ourselves, yet Betty's loving persistence of inviting us over for a while now motivated us to go last night. I think we are also interested in this multi-generational type studying of God's Word...AND they are our neighbors which means we can just walk over :) I love that the friendship Betty built with this girl who is around our age has grown into Betty and her husband opening up their home to her and studying the Word of God together.
So last night, we met Roger, Betty's husband, for the first time. We of course have heard about him and Betty's family since November, but actually meeting him in person was really good! We sat down, thinking that they were only discussing what they were doing next, not knowing they had already just started their new study in the book of James. Thankfully, we came prepared with our Bibles...because Roger calls you out. Verse by verse we dove into the book of James, with Roger asking one person after the other to read reference verses he had pulled out from his studies. "Wisdom...", Roger said, "comes from this book alone"---pointing to the Bible. Saying this ever so confidently, as if he believed it. He asked me what I thought wisdom was...I think I formulated some kind of answer but he said wisdom is a skill of living...and as James 1:5 says- if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God.
Wisdom isn't something that comes overnight...it is a part of our spiritual growth. But we must seek it and be committed to trusting God's Word unwaveringly. We read from Proverbs 2 towards the end of our study last night...which I still find fascinating every time I read it. I can't help but think to myself, do I really seek for wisdom as if it were silver or hidden treasures?
Here is some of chapter 2---good stuff:

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice (or cry out) for understanding, if you seek it like SILVER and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom, from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you, delivering you from the way of evil..."

John Piper says, "The fear of the Lord is, therefore, the beginning of wisdom not only in the sense that it is the first step in a wise way to live, but also in the sense that all the later characteristics of wisdom flow from the fear of the Lord like a river flows from a spring....

To know and love and follow this Jesus is to own the treasure of ultimate and eternal happiness. Therefore, the command, "Get wisdom," means first and foremost "Come to Jesus! Come to Jesus!" in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom."

Philippians 4:8

Kennedy and I have often talked about our favorite verses. Philippians 4:8 is one of his and has become one of mine. I'm sitting at a coffee shop in the Little Apple after meeting a friend for coffee and flipped to this verse. I brought along the laptop, my Bible, and some pens- becoming essentials to my morning routine. When I flipped to this verse, I thought to myself, how can anything I read be applicable to my life right now? I am living what seems a monotonous life to me...I'm not working currently, I am done with school for good, and I know I have been saying this in previous posts, but I am praying through what my purpose is right now in this season. I am almost craving an abnormal experience right now in life...not necessarily (at all) something like Kennedy being deployed again but something that is life-changing or challenging for me. But... what God desires of me and longs from me no matter where I am is my whole heart, soul, and mind. Right now, then, that encourages my heart to know that the Creator of the universe longs for me to love Him and know Him more each day. This brings me to Philippians 4:8. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things". Even in the mundane, this is my calling of obedience to Christ's love for me.
Our faith is also not meant to be stagnant, but constantly growing and in motion upwards as we allow Christ to work in our hearts. So Colossians has many "growth" verbs- 2:6- Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so WALK in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. 4:2- CONTINUE steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. Hebrews 13:15 Through him then let us CONTINUALLY OFFER UP a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name. 2 John:6 And this is love, that we WALK according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should WALK in it.
This prayer in one sentence came from a book I'm reading called "Comforts from the Cross" that says:
Teach us to walk closely in step with You and to believe in what we cannot see from the threshing floor.
Amen.

Relationship

So yesterday marked the last meeting of our church's women's book study for the semester. It was only my second time to go and even though I haven't been reading the book (A Hole in Our Holiness, Kevin DeYoung), I have so enjoyed the discussion and of course the women in the group! I have to say that this week's discussion was one of the most encouraging discussions I've been a part of, and I think the reason for that is because of the honesty that filled the room. It encouraged me that our faith is not meant to go through alone...we need each other, the body of believers, to walk through life with together. A common theme that ran through our discussion was that our faith is ultimately about relationship, not about a "checklist" and marking things off like prayer, Bible reading, church, etc. It is about our hearts. Something that got me thinking was when one of my friends asked how differently our faith would be and how our approach to faith would be if we treated our relationship with Jesus as we do our closest earthly friendships. Obviously, we should consider Him in infinitely much greater value than earthly friendships; but if we really stop and think about it...as with our communication with our closest friends, is He the first one we want to talk to about something...is He on our mind throughout the day...is our relationship with Him more than a checklist...do we make time for Him?
After the book study, I went to Tuttle Creek state park, impulsively bought a year pass that is good for all KS state parks, and spread a blanket out under a tree with my Bible, notebook, and book "Comforts from the Cross" spread out. I opened my Bible to Isaiah and just started reading, praying God would open my eyes to something new. Within the first chapter I read,

"Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes, cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. Come now let us reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are WILLING and OBEDIENT, you shall eat the good of the land". 

I am thankful that God has made me clean through His Son...and my prayer is that in response to His mercy and love, I would be willing and obedient in following Him. Reading through this book of the Bible yesterday, God refreshed my eyes to seeing the bigger story. 

"Behold, this has touched your lips, your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for". 

No matter my failings, inconsistencies, unbelief, and doubts, Jesus has covered them all. What freedom there is in that, in responding to Him, in obeying Him, in turning from our sin, in communicating with Him, in loving Him. 

"The Lord waits to be gracious to you". 

He is patient. Another thing DeYoung mentions in the book that someone brought up was that God wants us to tell Him we love Him, He loves to hear that from us. As our Father and friend, this makes sense. It got me to thinking how often do I tell God I love Him? 

Yesterday's discussion and intentional quiet time in the Word with little distractions were just what I needed. And what I need daily. Minute by minute communion with God throughout each day. Prayer: God, encourage my heart to continue being mindful of You. 

Seek the Kingdom of God above all else.

I just opened Kennedy's Bible and read those words on a sermon he took notes on from 2013 about God's Will. God's Will. Something that I really have to set my mind to in desiring or comprehending. In all honesty, there are many parts of my personality that I like to "blame" when it comes to making up excuses for not seeking God's Will first and foremost. Many of those parts of my personality include: stubbornness, pride, distrust, wanting to be in control, impatience, lack of actual time that is "quiet" (aka easily distracted). The list continues. Although God's Will passes through my mind in making important decisions or in what to do with my life or in dealing with changes, is it really what I seek above all else? The point of this ramble is to say that I want to desire His Will first above anything else...may it be my highest consideration in all things- throughout the day. And even moreso in this season of unknown and what I'm doing with my life at the present.
Another thing that has come up more recently and that I am going to be honest about about is kindof summed up in these verses: "My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God" Ps 84:2. I have been searching my heart and response to God's Word lately and I have found myself pondering the Truth, why and how I believe Jesus is true, and I can look back on circumstances where I have doubted God's sovereignty and where my response to Him in my confidence of the Truth has been shaken. Shaken confidence feels lonely and at times like I've been stripped down to being completely honest in my faith and simply allowing God to work. Right now in my faith...my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. I pray for the childlike faith that simply trusts and believes in my Savior, in who He says He is, and following Him wholeheartedly. So this being stripped of questioning and trying to understand has allowed me to rest...and rest in Jesus alone and not what I am "doing" for Him or trying to "solve" my faith. I am not sure if this makes any sense...but further in these verses it says: "Blessed are those whose strength is in you".
I also love these verses: "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an UNDIVIDED heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you O Lord my God with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love towards me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave" (Psalm 86).
Amidst confusion that comes with this life and in my faith, it is humbling for me to think back on my past from the beginning until now, and see and know God's faithful hand and His leading me. This comforts me when my heart is afflicted. Today, I have been watching a million family movies. Not a million, but close to that number. I started watching one Christmas from 1989 (2 years old) and my Granny Carlisle was there- we were at my Grandaddy and Granny Owen's that year. As I was opening a present, my Granny Carlisle said "God bless that baby". It brought tears to my eyes to be reminded that God ordained all the days of my life BEFORE they happened. His sovereign hand placed me in a Godly, loving, Christ-centered, gracious family and He has brought me where I am now...not to say that those in between years didn't come with kicking and screaming wanting my way when He was leading in another. But that is His love. He never lets us go. He never closes Himself off from us. And ultimately, my faith rests upon what He has already done and accomplished. How encouraging is that in sharing about with others.