memoirs of korea

the pictures are worth so much more to me than i could say in words...i feel so blessed to have gotten to go to seoul this past week. it was an amazing trip with so many memories that were made with my mom and in my life in general that will last forever. i had written out in my journal during the trip all of what i wanted to blog, but naturally it changes (what i want to write about). i am beyond grateful for being able to go on this trip. i feel so much was taken away from this trip that it is hard to be home. i am praying the Lord will show me how and if He wants me to use this trip and experience in ministering to people and sharing His love with others. only as of a few years ago did i see sharing my adoption story as part of my testimony. it is a privilege for me to claim adoption but to understand God's love more personally with going through adoption and growing up knowing that process. seeing my file at holt and going through the papers (which we have a copy of at home and i have seen years ago) brought a lot of emotions. part of me was sad to see that i was given a "number" and just assigned a name, and to think about what a birth mom has to go through to have a baby and give that child up to someone else. it definitely brought out gratefulness, i felt so grateful to have the perfect family and home and grateful even to my birth mom for choosing adoption and choosing to give me life as hard as that may have been for her. i can't imagine how hard that is. it made me sad too for the babies we got to meet at holt post adoption services. these babies "wait" in the reception center until either 1) they are adopted 2) they go to a foster home 3) they go to an orphanage. korean babies can be adopted after 5 months. they can only stay at the holt reception center until about 2 years old. that was definitely a sad experience for me to see and i wish i could have taken home all of those babies. my heart is full of gratitude but also sadness and a desire to give of my resources to help holt in their services and care for those babies that are brought to their office. the lady we met with told us of devastating stories of babies that are reported to them that have just been found dead in trash cans or lockers at schools. i know that is graphic and hard to take in, but can you imagine? i compare going to korea and coming back as kindof when you come back from a missions trip and your life is changed and put into perspective. i came home to a broken air conditioner...with my apt being a whopping 95 degrees. i've tried so hard to not complain- thinking about those babies and that they don't even have a "home" that could even have an air conditioner- there are greater things and problems than my broken air conditioner. so here i am sweating...but still thankful- which is so difficult! another experience i am grateful for on this trip was being able to go to the isaac home. the fact that we were even able to find this children's home (orphanage) was an experience in itself. we took the subway, which not much is in english. along the way, we made friends with several people when we were trying to find people who spoke english and could help us. the highlight of this experience was meeting the little girl that our family sponsors through orphanos (sponsored by first evan). we never met the first little girl we sponsored, but it was so special to see her and see the orphanage that we sponsor. we have met the director mrs noh before through church friends when she came to visit in memphis. it was the same emotional roller coaster- excited and grateful yet sad for these children going through what i could have gone through had i not been adopted. anyway, i think my heart is just full of things and spread over what to do next and praying about how to make those desires of helping be put into action! the lady we met with at holt told us that the korean system/government is ttalking strongly about closing international adoptions from korea, which would be terrible. orphanages would be the solution. she also told me to wait to try and search for my birth mother, as that can break up and tear apart a family if she is married now and has children and has never told them she had a child so long ago. so i am planning on writing a letter and sending photos to put in my "file" so if she were to be in contact with holt, she can read the letter and see pictures. in the letter i am going to ask if she would send a letter/pictures for me to see of herself and if i have any brothers and sisters. as far as actually meeting her, that doesn't have to happen and especially not anytime soon. family is a big part of the korean culture and tearing that apart would not be something i want to do. my mom and i also got to visit with paul and rachel which was so much fun! so fun to see where they live and their daily life places they go to and visit. i hope to one day go back. it was so great to see the korean culture and where i was born. it brought emotions i knew i would feel and experience. such a blessing!

why am i here?

well once again i have been slacking on the blogging. mainly because school has started back and it is very time consuming, as is work and running. i am feeling compelled to blog and write in my journal tonight though because of the past few days at work. let me preface by saying i work in an amazing office. i would say the best office. i have caught myself thinking about how thankful i am to be surrounded by such an amazing group of coworkers and their hard work ethic, positive attitudes, and servant spirits...definitely qualities that challenge and push me daily. one of the core values and missions at the office is to strive for excellence and drive change and leadership and bring energy and positive attitudes and love well. but lately i have been focusing on the core value of striving for excellence- in all things. before every patient, i have caught myself taking a step back and thinking about that core value. do i truly strive for excellence every second of my day and with each patient? i have been raised in a home that by the grace of God has pushed me to strive for excellence, because God has blessed me with skills, health, and abilities to perform what i do at my job and has blessed me with a functional brain. God has blessed me beyond words. these things have been brought to my attention so much lately at work, and i KNOW in my heart they are because God wants me where He has me. He is teaching me to completely rely on Him in trying times...at work when the schedule is crazy or i have a difficult patient or i just feel like i "can't", He is teaching me to be in constant prayer and communication with Him. now you're wondering why the title of my post is "why am i here"? i can't tell you how many patients i have had in just the past 3 or 4 days of work that have either gone through adopting or are in the beginning stages or in the process. growing up, i did not talk about my adoption story with hardly ANYONE unless i was asked...unless it was brought up, and not by me. i never really was interested in the adoption process or my own story or sharing it with others. but lately, i see glimpses of where God is COMPLETELY opening my heart to this to where i am able to talk so freely about it and with humility and gratefulness of understanding His sovereignty and unconditional love and that He is in absolute control of my every moment. so i have been brought to tears the past 2 days twice with different patients when talking about adoption. i get chills up and down to think how great God is, how He has been holding my life in His hand, and how big He truly is. but enough focusing on my own story- i have been in constant thought about- God, why am i here? why have you brought these people into my life, opened this door to a perfect kingdom-minded job/office, and now i am having all of these emotional experiences of being able to share my adoption story- where i am EXCITED to talk about it and share? and i think- this HAS to be how the Lord is using me...and using these experiences to grow my relationship with Him. i can't express all of these emotions other than gratefulness and complete humility that i have been feeling...and simply because of God's love. so Lord, i am here for your purpose, for you to use me however you see fit, and to bring glory to your name. i pray that He will continue to use me and use my story and guide me in His direction for my life- my heart has grown so much for the adoption community. my heart feels so greatly for couples who are going through that process and it made me grieve deeply inside when i heard someone talking about it being a financial issue but that they just felt that God was in control and He would provide and they could only live and walk by faith even though it was so hard. my mind directly thought- how could i give them money?! how could we raise funds for this? i would love to help in that way! i don't know how the Lord is working in this...but i only pray that He would show me and would draw my heart to His in how to share my story and how He is using me and will use me in great ways. i also feel He is preparing my heart for my trip to korea with my mom here in a couple of weeks- and i am so excited. back to the books!

weekend recap

this weekend was very relaxed, thankfully! friday i caught up on laundry/cleaning & hiked at radnor lake with a friend & then got to catch up with more friends in downtown franklin. the weather was absolutely perfect this weekend. saturday i did a long run :( 13.6 & then played some sand vball that afternoon & went to dinner with some work friends! it is fun to hang out with them and see them outside the office setting! i've tried to get back into the swing of school early...but have not been that successful. i've read a few chapters for the class that starts tomorrow and goes thru july...then i have another class that starts july-august. i've gotten to relax and have a lot of down time this weekend which has been needed...this coming week will start up CRAZY with school and working a 5 day week (as opposed to 4)... loving the summer weather & sun!!

summer is HERE

it is ridiculously hot outside. i am not a hot weather person. but hot weather also means summer...which means somewhat of "breaks"/vacation/relaxation/traveling, whatever word you associate with summer the most. for me this summer, the word i am associating with is TRAVEL. which i really am not going to be doing THAT much traveling, but my mom and i are planning to go to korea the end of june thru beginning of july! i can't begin to express how excited i am about going to south korea (where i was born) and while i am there- hopefully being able to visit the adoption agency office which i was adopted through and possibly meeting my foster mother/seeing my foster home. i have been in touch with the adoption agency office here in the united states, and the lady that has been helping me sent an insanely long email about my "file" and a little bit about my history and the history of adoption and family processes in south korea. i have been so excited that each time i email her back, i have more and more questions. but thinking about this trip is also emotional. the other night when i read the email from the lady, i cried...and cried. and not in a sad way, but in thinking about i will never see my birthmom/meet her or even get to know what she looks like. and i hope and pray she knows Jesus so i can meet her in heaven. i want to know so badly what she looks like. i have no desire for a relationship with her, not for any reason, other than the language barrier and how EXTREMELY hard that would be. but that tangible information of- what she looks like, her name, how many brothers/sisters she has, if she is married now/has a family, if i have blood-related siblings, who my father was, etc..- that information i will never have. and i just broke down and cried the other night thinking about all of that. as excited as i am about this trip, i know it will also be emotional and hard at times. but i am so grateful my mom is going with me, and she is such a good planner and trip planner. she would make a great travel agent. it also makes me thankful for where i am, and how the Lord's hand has been on my life since i was conceived. so planning and thinking about this trip has been wonderful and emotional all at the same time! i am excited too to get to see rachel & paul and see their lives in korea! grateful for a day of rest today & a long weekend...3 days of work! happy monday & bachelorette watching!

irony

this past weekend was a relaxing, family-filled time. i went to memphis thursday night and spent the weekend there..hanging out with the fam, michael w, and seeing friends last night. it seems like my blogging streak is about once a week now...oh well, i am trying to keep up but also enjoy my time off from school until june! i saw the avengers this past weekend...if you have not seen it, i highly recommend. SO good. robert downey jr is by far the best. oh, and thor...there are no words that describe thor. today, being mother's day, was chill. we usually just go out to eat for mother's/father's day. my dad had to work today after church so mom and i ended up going home and watching the grizz game. she is crazy about the grizzlies. she gets very into the games. i entitled this blog post "irony" because of the topic i am going to talk about. i have written about the book empty promises by pete wilson that my office is reading together. we talk about it on thursdays. well this thursday we talked about approval addiction...how our society is so wired for this. think about it- why do we tweet/post things on facebook/text/blog even? we want a reaction. we want people to "like" us. we want their stamp of approval or their response. why am i blogging right now? well, it is therapeutic and something i love, but i also get caught up in who reads this and do they actually care about what i am posting? same at work- why do i want people to like me- my patients/coworkers? why do i want my boss to think i do a good job? because to some extent or another i am addicted to people's approval. i have always seen myself as a people pleaser. it is hard for me to say no. it definitely upsets me when i think i have hurt someone's feelings or they are mad at me. i post things on facebook, because i want that immediate reaction. i tweet because i want a reaction. i text because i want that immediate response. in this bubble of a culture we are sucked into, we are all in some way addicted to this people approval notion. so what does our generation need to do about this problem- and yes i think of it as a problem. ultimately i think about what are we looking to to fill us? what are we looking to to satisfy our heart's longings? well i think first of all we have to recognize where we stumble in this...just the past few days, i have thought before texting/tweeting/facebook...i have thought before i do any of that, "why am i doing this"? i am AWARE of my faults and stumbling. so after awareness, i think we have to be intentional, just like with anything else we desire to change or do differently. even in relationships, we have to be conscious and considerate of the other person. it takes time. we have to be intentional about spending time with people these days. in my case, i have to look at my planner and my schedule and think about ok when can i be "intentional" with this person to go and hang out when we usually do not have the time to? our schedules are so filled. our phones keep us constantly connected with the outside world...email, facebook, twitter, texting, phone calls, music, videos, ETC!!! it is overwhelming! so the past few days although it has been a struggle, i have tried to be INTENTIONAL about putting my phone down and somewhat "disconnecting". i have been testing within myself if this is even possible! can i put my phone down when i am in a group of people and we are hanging out and not look at it for a few hours? am i really that approval addicted or addicted to being connected? it sickens me to think how much time i spend "connected" to the world and my selfish addictions and the time i could be spending with the Lord. convicting right? so i went to get ice cream with a friend friday and i put my phone in my car and put it on silent...trying so hard not to check it for 1 hour. success! in the group hang out last night for a friend's going away party, i put my phone in my purse...trying hard not to check. success! what was going on in my mind though- who texted me back? i can check it when i get in the car! i hope someone texted me! or called me! or posted on my facebook! i hope i hope! i am addicted. so this week my challenge for myself is disconnect (in moderation). i am not going to go all amish. but i am going to slow down this craving for "approval" or connection with people via my phone...and instead be intentional about relationships and spending time with people and being intentional about putting my phone away when i am with people. now when i am around people and now that i am AWARE of this, i can see how it is rude. it comes across as i am more interested in someone/something else than the time i am spending with you or other people. so this is ironic, because i am posting a blog post hoping people will read this...:) happy mother's day & new week!

Lists

So today I am relaxing and thankful it is Friday. I have a list of things I need to do today, starting with getting my car maintenance done- 50,000 miles. Yikes! I woke up this morning kind of feeling restless and thinking I have a lot to do, but realized I only have little errands here and there... No school work for 4 weeks...I get a short break! No work today. Fridays are good. Got a walk in this morning and enjoyed the warmth and breeze! Now that I'm at Nissan waiting on my car, I have a minute to relax...and blog. As an office, we are currently reading a book by Pete Wilson called empty promises. On Thursdays we meet as a staff and talk about it and how it pertains to the workplace and how our office functions as a Christ-focused place. It has been awesome...something that has definitely been an encouragement. I love this verse that Pete points out in one of his chapters about chasing after fulfillment and how only Jesus can satisfy. It is a verse I have heard my whole life, but the way I read it was different than I've read before. It is matt11:28-30 and says " come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest FOR YOUR SOULS. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I love that picture. It is more than just earthly rest, it is rest for our deepest being. And with that eternal rest that comes through Christ, how could we NOT find rest in Him on this earth. I found that part of the verse striking. How awesome that we can approach him in confidence. I recently listened to a sermon by cole Huffman from first Evan, and he was talking about living our lives before him and in obedience...and how in the old testament the covenants were of the concept that if the people obeyed they were blessed...but how in this side of the cross we obey BECAUSE of blessings...we have been blessed through the death of Christ which spurs us to obedience. It isn't that it's reversed but it is a different dynamic/perception of the covenant since his death and resurrection. You should buy this book if you have time to read! It is so good. Happy Friday and weekend! Seeing Eric church tomorrow at the Bridgestone...definitely in Nashville and appreciating country music.

250 something days...

so...

call me addicted to running...or crazy...or determined... but i signed up for the marathon in memphis this december...250 something days away! i will hopefully have more than enough time for training! anyone want to join me in this venture?! have a schedule printed and everything... READY TO RUN. happy tuesday! school is almost done for me for the semester!!!! one final stands between me & a break. :)