memoirs of korea

the pictures are worth so much more to me than i could say in words...i feel so blessed to have gotten to go to seoul this past week. it was an amazing trip with so many memories that were made with my mom and in my life in general that will last forever. i had written out in my journal during the trip all of what i wanted to blog, but naturally it changes (what i want to write about). i am beyond grateful for being able to go on this trip. i feel so much was taken away from this trip that it is hard to be home. i am praying the Lord will show me how and if He wants me to use this trip and experience in ministering to people and sharing His love with others. only as of a few years ago did i see sharing my adoption story as part of my testimony. it is a privilege for me to claim adoption but to understand God's love more personally with going through adoption and growing up knowing that process. seeing my file at holt and going through the papers (which we have a copy of at home and i have seen years ago) brought a lot of emotions. part of me was sad to see that i was given a "number" and just assigned a name, and to think about what a birth mom has to go through to have a baby and give that child up to someone else. it definitely brought out gratefulness, i felt so grateful to have the perfect family and home and grateful even to my birth mom for choosing adoption and choosing to give me life as hard as that may have been for her. i can't imagine how hard that is. it made me sad too for the babies we got to meet at holt post adoption services. these babies "wait" in the reception center until either 1) they are adopted 2) they go to a foster home 3) they go to an orphanage. korean babies can be adopted after 5 months. they can only stay at the holt reception center until about 2 years old. that was definitely a sad experience for me to see and i wish i could have taken home all of those babies. my heart is full of gratitude but also sadness and a desire to give of my resources to help holt in their services and care for those babies that are brought to their office. the lady we met with told us of devastating stories of babies that are reported to them that have just been found dead in trash cans or lockers at schools. i know that is graphic and hard to take in, but can you imagine? i compare going to korea and coming back as kindof when you come back from a missions trip and your life is changed and put into perspective. i came home to a broken air conditioner...with my apt being a whopping 95 degrees. i've tried so hard to not complain- thinking about those babies and that they don't even have a "home" that could even have an air conditioner- there are greater things and problems than my broken air conditioner. so here i am sweating...but still thankful- which is so difficult! another experience i am grateful for on this trip was being able to go to the isaac home. the fact that we were even able to find this children's home (orphanage) was an experience in itself. we took the subway, which not much is in english. along the way, we made friends with several people when we were trying to find people who spoke english and could help us. the highlight of this experience was meeting the little girl that our family sponsors through orphanos (sponsored by first evan). we never met the first little girl we sponsored, but it was so special to see her and see the orphanage that we sponsor. we have met the director mrs noh before through church friends when she came to visit in memphis. it was the same emotional roller coaster- excited and grateful yet sad for these children going through what i could have gone through had i not been adopted. anyway, i think my heart is just full of things and spread over what to do next and praying about how to make those desires of helping be put into action! the lady we met with at holt told us that the korean system/government is ttalking strongly about closing international adoptions from korea, which would be terrible. orphanages would be the solution. she also told me to wait to try and search for my birth mother, as that can break up and tear apart a family if she is married now and has children and has never told them she had a child so long ago. so i am planning on writing a letter and sending photos to put in my "file" so if she were to be in contact with holt, she can read the letter and see pictures. in the letter i am going to ask if she would send a letter/pictures for me to see of herself and if i have any brothers and sisters. as far as actually meeting her, that doesn't have to happen and especially not anytime soon. family is a big part of the korean culture and tearing that apart would not be something i want to do. my mom and i also got to visit with paul and rachel which was so much fun! so fun to see where they live and their daily life places they go to and visit. i hope to one day go back. it was so great to see the korean culture and where i was born. it brought emotions i knew i would feel and experience. such a blessing!