Psalm 46

Kennedy and I wrote many a letter to each other during his deployment. We also wrote each other while we were dating after meeting last April. I TREASURE letters. I absolutely love snail mail. I'll come back to this in a minute...

Tonight, I started thanking the Lord for some time to myself where I could sit at His feet, read His Word, and talk to Him. Not often enough do I take advantage of this alone, intimate time with Him. I spoke my fears and worries and He led me to a familiar Psalm- Psalm 46. 

Psalm 46. An encouraging Psalm. A psalm about God being our refuge and strength, a "very present help in trouble". I gave Kennedy a hard time, because there were a few letters I sent him during the deployment that he had not opened. He said he wanted to keep them and read them for when he had a bad day upon returning from Afghanistan and taking command here at Ft. Riley. I kind of laughed at the thought and said in my mind that he would probably forget. It came to the point that I had to ask him to read one or two here and there out loud, because they were just sitting out on his nightstand. 

As soon as we got home from our first ultrasound appointment with the heavy, sad news, I stumbled into our bedroom and drowned in tears. Kennedy was of great comfort, and turned to his nightstand opening one of the unopened letters that I had written him. It started off by saying of course that I missed him and couldn't wait for him to be back...but in this particular letter that he opened, I had written that on the day he opened it (in Afghanistan), I wanted him to take a moment (if not more) to "Be still and know that (I) am God"- Psalm 46:10. And then I had written out that Psalm for him, and myself, to be encouraged.

With tears in our eyes and the unknowns swirling around us of how to move forward through and from this grief, he continued to read this beautiful Psalm: 

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved from the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling, There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress...

'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!'

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress".

I'm reading that Psalm again tonight, tears of joy streaming down. Knowing this brings the best and most sustainable and lasting comfort. God is a very present help in trouble and I am praising Him tonight for this truth and for leading me to these verses and memory. I want to remember in times of trouble, that the God of Jacob is my fortress. He is with me and will strengthen me.

Expectations

As I do with most posts, I'm going to start off by saying that this one may not make sense. I'm writing off of a fuzzy brain, compounded with discouragement. I have to admit that my expectations of God can sometimes be small. I get impatient and doubt His power in situations that I think I can take control of. God is showing me that He is more powerful than I can imagine and He is reshaping my expectations of Him. When all of the miscarriage stuff was happening, I of course prayed, cried out loud to God...but small parts of my heart were in constant struggle of not praying confidently. There were parts of me that were holding back in prayer, doubting that He could really redeem this and give me reasons to hope and have joy. My expectations were small.
God shows us over and over again in His Word that He is more powerful than we can imagine or grasp. Why do I doubt this?
Today I went in for my HcG level check. Since the miscarriage, the doctor has been monitoring the levels as they have decreased, but it has been a really slow and long process of the numbers coming down. Nearing the end, the doctor recommended I come back every two weeks instead of every week. In the past month, the decrease has been really slight. Like every two weeks it has gone down 10 or 15. I was hoping or EXPECTING my levels to be at normal range (10 or below)...but I was given disappointing news of "19.2" when I answered my phone while at Hobby Lobby- almost in tears in the paper craft aisle. I know God is reshaping my expectations of Him. In the discouragement, I want to still be thankful. Before these past few months, my confidence in hope and my expectations of God were something that changed with whatever my circumstances were. And now, He is all that I can hold on to and has remained the same: faithful, and this has strengthened my confidence and hope and expectations. Even though the HcG levels haven't gone down as I've expected them to, they've still gone down, which is a praise. Even though "fill in the blank with whatever life's hard circumstances have been", something good has come out of them, which may not have looked like our expectations but they were good in the sense that God, out of His love for us, revealed more of Himself to us.
I did a search on "expectations of God" and came across a really good article, that as I was reading, I was nodding my head and thinking to myself, "This is exactly how I feel" and the author nailed it. Jon Bloom says, "Highest on God's agenda for us is strengthening our faith. Highest on our agenda is frequently accomplishing something necessary or noble, or escaping affliction or humiliation. These may not be wrong desires, but they may be the wrong priorities...The strength that God supplies is often increased capacities to trust his promises, which might require dying to our envisioned accomplishment or enduring what we wish to escape...God loves to answer our prayers with the strength that causes us to abound in faith-fueled hope."
I love this part: "So pray with confidence. And pray for the strength that God supplies. And keep your eyes open for his answers. They may not look like your expectations. But you can be sure that even when he answers with a weakening agent, God is working to strengthen your understanding, strengthen your faith, and strengthen your hope in him." God, I am choosing to believe this about you!

Getting used to tears

I'm using this post as a means of bragging on my husband and praising the Lord for the gift He has given me in giving me Kennedy as a husband. As we've been going through the really long process of grief and long days of being drained, we've had to lean on each other more than ever. I'll admit that I lean on him quite a bit more often than he leans on me. And at the end of our processing conversations, he always points me back to the Lord. I'm so thankful for Kennedy because of this. God knew before time who He had chosen for me to be my best friend and I am praising the Lord throughout today for His loving kindness.
My "leaning on" Kennedy consists of tears. I'm getting used to them. If you ask anyone in my family/close friends, they'll tell you without a doubt that I NEVER cry...or it is very rare. If you were to ask my loving husband if I cry, I would be interested to know his answer. It is definitely "sometimes"/"occasionally". Growing up and before recent events, I gave in to crying when I was either really hurt or really sad. But something drastic, then, had to have happened in order for the tears to flow. Yesterday afternoon before church, I cried for a while. Kennedy would tell you it seemed to be caused by no apparent reason...But he was about to finish our reading of The Silver Chair, and I just started crying and had that stomach-deep pain. And then it hit me-the why. Even in our early stages of pregnancy, Kennedy would read to me. And we joked about it because it was too early for our baby to "hear", but he wanted to. My mind flashed forward to where we would be in our pregnancy now, and the baby would probably be able to "hear"---which would make The Silver Chair reading so special. My mind also flashed forward to what Kennedy will be like as a dad one day. I knew even before we were married that he would be an AMAZING dad....but yesterday as he was reading, I just couldn't help but think about how true that is of him. He loves to read to me. We take breaks from our tv show watching, because he wants to read. And I love it. And I know our kids will love it one day.
The Lord has been so gracious in using Kennedy's patience love and joy to point my weary heart back to Him. I told our pastor when he asked how we were doing that Kennedy had been a great blessing--and he said, "You have a great husband and an even greater God". That has resonated with me the past few weeks as I wrestle with what's in my heart and having to share that with Kennedy when I randomly start crying and how the Lord cares for me even more deeply--That in itself brings me comfort that I can share the sadness and depths of my heart with the One who created me and knows everything about me and loves me.

"He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."

Psalm 145:19

Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season. I love everything fall...the cooler weather, pumpkins, the colors of the leaves changing. At the beginning of fall this year, I could not have told you it was my "favorite". It has been my most difficult season of life. However, God has shown me His blessing and the power of His work in my heart that I would not have known if I had not gone through the difficulties. Blessings have come in all forms- people, provision of jobs, a newness of God's Word, and restoring work by the Spirit, and I am thankful.
A while back, my pastor in Memphis recommended a book he had read by Mark Buchanan called "Spiritual Rhythm- Being with Jesus every season of your soul". If you have not read it, you should check it out. For fall, this is what he describes:

"Biblically, fall captivates for a different reason: it's harvest time...The window between bumper crop and famine was an eye of the needle, narrow sometimes as a single day. A good crop was cause for great rejoicing. A blighted crop, deep distress. Harvest was a time to acknowledge God as provider: rainmaker, sun-keeper, storm-quencher. The season proved, yet again, God's enduring faithfulness. And it demonstrated, yet again, the utmost dependency of God's children on his faithfulness. The heart in fall is, in a word, expectant. Fall is for reaping and for storing, but it's also for feasting and thanking. I can choose what I sow. I can choose, because I have the Spirit, to sow that which pleases the Spirit. I can nurture the little seedlings of the Spirit's promptings- promptings to be a man of peace, of gentleness, of self-control, of love, and the like. And in due time, I will reap a harvest that's worth storing up.

My prayer is for the Lord's help in choosing to sow what pleases Him- in whatever season I am in- and to be thankful and look expectantly towards what is to come- something far greater than any disappointment or even earthly desire. 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of the Lord is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'. And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making ALL THINGS NEW'." Revelation 21:3-5

"Keep a Quiet Heart"- Elisabeth Elliot

My heart and mind are quick to forget that this is where I find the most joy- in truly being still, sitting and getting full on God's Word and writing His Truths in my journal and asking Him to press them on my heart. I'm sitting at Panera in my "quiet place" after just getting off the phone with a dear friend. I had already planned on coming to indulge myself in reading and writing, but after crying and catching up on life, she reminded me that one of the best and most necessary things we need as Christians is to be STILL. I've probably blogged about this before, but this afternoon, I am treasuring this time. I'm brought to tears thinking that my King wants more than anything to spend time with me, His child. I can't help but think He smiles when our thoughts are focused on Him.

My thoughts haven't really been about Him, to be honest. My thoughts today have been, "It's almost October...How much longer will my HcG levels be too high where we can't think about getting pregnant again?" Every time I look at my calendar I think about our loss and it invokes sadness, but then I think of future days and how impatient I become when my desire for the now is to be pregnant again. My longing has been for this earthly desire...when David says in Psalm 107:9,
For HE satisfies the longing soul, and the HUNGRY soul He fills with GOOD things. 
I'm asking the Lord to quiet my heart and my mind with all its questioning thoughts and to help me to be satisfied in Him. I love this quote I have written-

"Jesus, let our faithful mind rest, on Thee alone reclined; Every anxious thought repress, Keep our souls in perfect peace."- Charles Wesley

One of my favorite books is "Keep a Quiet Heart". When I am intentionally going to read somewhere, I'll take it with me and re-highlight some favorite quotes from dear Elisabeth. Before I add in some of her wisdom below, I am reading some entries in my journal that I have scribbled...
from Jesus Calling "Listening to HIM: I am speaking in the depths of your being...BE STILL so you can hear my voice. Living close to Me requires making Me your first love- your highest priority".
"Trust in Him at ALL times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for GOD is our Refuge." Ps 62:8
Lord, I trust you, I believe you, but help my trust and belief in difficult times. Help me to trust you at ALL times. 

My prayer is that this time today brings me closer to Him and my days would be filled with His presence- captivating my thoughts and my heart's desire and my trust would be strengthened, my joy deepened in Him. Elisabeth E. says, "If through losing what this world prizes we are enabled to gain what it despises- treasure in heaven, invisible and incorruptible- isn't it worth any kind of suffering? What is it worth to us to learn a little bit more of what the Cross means- life out of death, the transformation of earth's losses and heartbreaks and tragedies? Poverty has not been my experience, but God has allowed in the lives of each of us some sort of loss, the withdrawal of something we valued, in order that we may learn to offer ourselves a little more willingly, to allow the touch of death on one more thing we have clutched so tightly, and thus know fullness and freedom and joy that much sooner. We're not naturally inclined to love God and seek His Kingdom. Trouble may help to incline us- that is, it may tip us over, put some pressure on us, lean us in the right direction".

My Portion and My Strength- Ellie Holcomb

"Help me to know stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand...Help me believe---that You will be my portion and my strength"

I have begun to appreciate more than ever the friendships God has given me. Even in the rush of day to day life, short conversations or even texts can be uplifting and encouraging to our circumstances. I have found that especially with friends and family not in Kansas, it is hard to work around busy schedules and find time to sit and talk on the phone for minutes or hours at a time. Texting has been my "go-to" as far as communication goes. The reason I tell you this is because for the past couple of weeks, the Lord has used a text my sister in law sent that said this, "It can be hard to carry this type of burden. Thankfully we are yoked onto God who shoulders it for us". I simply needed to remember and believe, God is shouldering my burden of weariness and worry. For about a week, I was exhausted. I was in constant busy-ness, worry, and a state of mind that was trying to be in control or fix things going on...but hearing these words, I felt something huge lifted off of me. I felt lighter and free. My sister in law probably did not know that at that time this treasure from the Lord was used in my life, but it was and still is. So here we are almost a month and a half after the miscarriage occurred. I think time does heal, but more importantly, the Lord is teaching me that HE alone heals our deepest wounds. As I go about the busyness of my days, I don't have time to think about what's happened, which is good; but last night before we went to sleep, I laid my head on the pillow and all of the sudden, I just started crying. Poor Kennedy SO dislikes when I cry, that he wants to know what is wrong and will ask until I am able to tell him. Last night I felt so silly that I started crying out of the blue. But telling him my hurt was another burden lifted, and another reminder that Christ takes on our burdens for us and beckons us to call out to Him and lay our burdens down. 

I love this song by Ellie Holcomb- SO good. 

John Piper

Loving this quote from John Piper that comes towards the end of this song: 

"Not only is your affliction momentary, not only is your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is TOTALLY meaningful.

Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism, I don't care if it was slander or sickness, it wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It's not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing, don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and it takes her out, don’t say ‘it’s meaningless’, its not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore DO NOT lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”

John Piper