Seasons. Winter or Spring?

I just started reading a book called "Spiritual Rhythm" by Mark Buchanan...The subtitle says "being with Jesus every season of your soul". I am treasuring every word of this book so far. Each sentence is something I've wanted to highlight or has hit home in my heart the past couple of days. The first season this book started with was Winter...let me first say that this book has a spiritual parallel. Winter is a "season" of our spiritual seasons where we feel lonely, distant from God for one reason or another, despair, just a harder season where it may be difficult to believe. So we continue to walk...maybe blindly, but knowing that this season will pass and that God will still be with us and meet us in Winter. He does not abandon us. I have felt and experienced "Winter" the past few weeks...but lo and behold in this book, I have come to the chapter of our next season, Spring. And let me tell you, I am hopeful for Spring, not only for the physical environment and weather, but a time of hope and new growth and all that the season represents- life! BUT, I am also almost sad to leave winter and to move on...because God has met me in so many out of the ordinary ways that I want Him to continue to meet me and experience Him in my loneliness and where I feel distant from Him. But, in this book, here is Spring. and here comes hope after and even maybe during a season of cold, lonely, sad times. Spring. the author says there are "certain things spring demands of us...three in particular: plowing, planting, and cleaning". I can already hear minds churning for what this may imply spiritually for us. I love this part of the chapter entitled "Plowing": "a field unplowed, unless it's being left fallow, is a field wasted. it grows weeds, perhaps a few ungleaned seeds from last year's harvest. but there's no crop. a field unplowed is an opportunity squandered. a season of renewal is, as I said, a gift. but it's also an opportunity: we can make the most of it, or miss it entirely. spring gives us a window in which, if we steward the moment well, we will reap a harvest later on; if we don't, we may not get a second chance. and next winter might be scarce. plowing is SWEATY and DIRTY. breaking ground is hard work. the only work as hard as plowing is harvesting, but harvest has its reward mixed with its labor, and that makes the work lighter. plowing is done when the promise of reward is distant and tentative. what late frost or summer hail, what draught or blight, might sweep in and wipe out all you've worked for? danger hovers over all the work until the work is done...so strong resolve is needed in spring like almost no other time. spiritually, what does it mean to plow? it means, first and most, to LISTEN...deeper attentiveness. you lean in. you WAIT, you PESTER, you DIG. you HANG ON TO GOD and wrestle with HIM ALL NIGHT if you must, and refuse to let go...Renewal- one mark is a desire for prayer and Word...hunger to meet with God...It's the time for RESOLVE- a clear and firm decisiveness around what matters. And with this resolve, you then reorder your life- how you give, pray, read, serve, think- to both reflect and nurture your resolve...if you're in springtime or just coming into spring, by all means enjoy it. but don't squander it. look closely at your life, decide where you need to join God in this season of renewal. Then take plow blade to hard earth, open it wide, and harrow it soft". I could go ON and ON sharing with you the jewel of this book. No matter what "season" we find ourselves in, God is there and meets us...This book is about BEING with JESUS EVERY season of your soul. I wonder if right now I am in Winter spiritually but I have glimmers of Spring. I feel lonely in my heart, I feel sad, and like the "snow" and "blizzards" where I can't see keep me from getting where I planned...but I have hope...I see and experience God in the places I feel like there's no way I could see Him. I see what Christmas is about more clearly this year...there are firsts that I didn't think Kennedy and I would experience that are good but also sad. But in my soul, God is showing me deeper and deeper the meaning of this season...and my heart turns to gladness and thankfulness for this baby boy Jesus who is my King and Savior...Matthew 1:18-24---an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph saying---do not be afraid...Mary will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins". without this birth of this miraculous child, I have no hope...I have no hope in this "winter" or glimmer of hope for "spring".
I think this was as scatter-brained of a post as usual...but my heart feels heavier this Christmas on my thoughts of this season...not just for what Kennedy and I experience, but "winters" that others around us are going through. I pray for the hope of the message of this birth brings new light to a new year and spring ahead.

"Without you" Shane and Shane.

I can walk through the storm
I can walk by faith when my sight is gone
Just as long as You are here with me
And I can gain everything
But what do I have if I don't have the King?
Oh I need to know You're here with me

Here I am, I'm calling out, "Father,
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."

Even though I believe
You've taken up a home inside of me
And You'll never leave
I still need to know You're here with me

Here I am, I'm calling out, "Father,
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."

If Your presence goes, I don't wanna stay
If Your presence stays, I don't wanna go
If Your presence goes, I don't wanna stay
If Your presence stays, I don't wanna go
I need You

Here I am, I'm calling out, "Father,
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."

Here I am, I'm calling out, "Father,
Can You hear me, can You hear me?
I don't wanna to go without You
Here I am, can You talk a little louder
So I can hear You? I want to hear You
I don't wanna to move without You."

This song caught my eye today at the gym. I love the lyrics from the first verse that say I can gain everything but what do I have if i don't have the King? Oh I need to know that you're here with me! It's simple for me right now at this stage of mine and Kennedy's lives... What do I really have if I don't have the King? How my soul needs to know and believe this truth! There are days I've prayed- Father can you hear me? Can you speak louder so I know you're there? I need to know He is there even though I "know" He is. Thankful for this season... For who Jesus is and represents. for His life that brings me eternal life. Do you find yourself crying out to God like this song is talking about? I think everyone can relate in some way to these lyrics. 

Love me some Shane and Shane!

gifts

you know those days where you pick up the Bible or your devotion book and start reading for the day, and the Lord gives you what your heart needs to and has been longing to hear. this morning was one of those times, which I am so grateful. and immediately I felt I needed to share this somehow, but my morning starts off so early that I didn't want to text the people I wanted to share this with! this comes from the book of hope my friend gave me that I have been reading out of and cherishing every reading from it!

"you parents- if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? of course not! if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask Him?" matthew 7:9-11

and here is the devotion- LOVE this:
"recently there was a prayer service for someone I know who is fighting a vicious cancer. how I would love to see God work a miracle and rid her body of the disease that is slowly robbing her of life! I love her and her family, and bc I know firsthand how awful and painful it is to watch someone you love die, I don't want them to have to endure it. surely we can ask God for what we want. we can freely tell him that what we want is for those we love to be healed. we want a job. we want our marriages restored. we know he's our heavenly Father and desires to give good gifts to those who ask him. the problem is, because we are so limited in our understanding, we don't always know what is good.
I want to give me son, Matt, good things. but that is not always what he asks for. He wants chocolate Cocoa pebbles and I give him shredded wheat. I know, better than he, what he needs. he wants new basketball shoes and I want him to learn to be content with what he has. I have his long-term best interests in mind. I'm trying to shape his body and his mind and his character, so I don't always give him what he asks for.

and I recognize that as much as I might WANT God to give me what I ask for, I trust that my heavenly Father knows what is best. sometimes his "good gifts" don't appear that way to my limited perspective. He gives me broccoli when I want ice cream. sometimes he uses frustrating circumstances, unwarranted criticism, and disappointing delays to develop in me the good gifts of patience and humility. He calls me to trust him, to know that he is my wise and loving Father, and my ultimate good is his heart's greatest desire.

would you be willing to stop pounding on heaven's door, to stop begging for God to give you what you believe is best, and to open your hands to receive the good gifts your heavenly Father wants to give to you?"
And the closing statement is: "Good Father, open my eyes to my greatest need- more of you". I PRAY that that will be my prayer.
this day's reading is EXACTLY what I know to be true and want to form in my heart a greater belief through God's help. all of these things I have been thinking in my head lately, but have the trouble left to my self actually believing it.

Lord, would you "open my eyes to my greatest need- more of you"?

 

Being content...

in the midst of circumstances that stink and leave us asking Why...how do we rest and stay "ok" with what God's plan is that is His perfect, loving plan. In the past 6 days, I have searched and searched my Bible (Kennedy's Bible) more than ever...searching for stories/passages/ANYTHING that has any sort of comforting word from God. I've found myself still picking up the Bible, even though parts of me don't want to see another passage that says "I will yet trust in God" or "God is my refuge"...when at times, I don't really feel that. all the while, I find myself longing for more passages like that.
I am trying to get in a routine of a morning email w/a Jesus Calling entry to Kennedy, then a time of just sitting at the table or wherever i'm eating breakfast and reading the Word, then at night, underlining passages & reading a day of "the Book of Hope" that my friend sent me. I am also trying to stay on top of journaling each day and writing a blurb of what happened that day in a letter to Kennedy...I like thinking about looking back on this time and talking with Kennedy down the road of how God used it for His good when it was not a pleasant circumstance-- and we sure have had times where we can't see the good.
the book of Joshua caught my eye the other day, as I was thinking of the overused verses of "be strong, do not be dismayed, the Lord your God is with you, etc."...verses I have heard over and over again. I could tell you the very shortened version of what I know about Joshua, but something enticed me about reading of his story, wondering why the Lord kept saying, be strong, do not fear, the Lord will be with you. So, I started reading...and God commands Joshua to do thing after thing in leading His people...in a very short summation, what I got from these chapters was wow- Joshua obeyed...and without question. He didn't ask God questions about WHY he was told to do what he was told to do. He never complained or said he had other plans he had figured out...his faith was deep, simple, and he followed God's call. His love and trust in God and His character are what I noticed in me I do not have when things don't go my way. And my prayers lately to God have been- I KNOW your plan cannot be changed...I KNOW they are for my good...Lord, help me believe. Or if i'm in the car and have no words but am longing to just talk to God, I ask Him to just help me, to just be with me, and to fill me. being content seems like a far off notion for me to experience...but when I think of God more, when I think that He is love and His plans are good and far exceed what I will understand, I thank Him and praise Him and my heart feels settled.
Kennedy and I simultaneously had the idea of reading the Psalms backwards (there are 150)...1 for each day that he is gone- which actually our countdown is to 140...so he said he was reading a few to catch up to 140. Funny how we both had that idea and he brought it up today. He has gotten "settled" in Afghanistan. We are both still adjusting to time differences for talking, but starting to get the hang of it. I have been so thankful to get to talk to him whenever the opportunity arises, which for now has been every day. He's doing training this week and then should have a better idea of his "job"...but definitely has some more clarity than he did going in.
I wish I could write a book on our experiences, our relationship, just everything about our story. that may be on my personal bucket list- to write a book of our story. I also wish I could blog every single thought that has crossed my mind regarding this experience...it is difficult, but it is challenging and strengthening. and you don't know how challenged or stretched you can be until you are...and I think then you realize where your trust and heart really lie.
Joshua 1:8-9
"This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go".

"But I am Trusting"

Thankful this morning that Kennedy made it safely to Afghanistan. I think he is pretty tired and in need of lots of rest. We were able to talk a little on the phone this morning, it is his bedtime (he's going to sleep early to be able to get up early tomorrow morning for work). Thankful he was able to call! Several praises so far for Kennedy already: Safety and protection during his long travels, hopefully much needed rest tonight, he kindof has clarity as to what he will be doing, the chaplain that married us at Fort Riley is across the hall from him, and he has several friends over there that either went to flight school with him or he knew out in CA. I told Kennedy this morning that we will just think of these next few months as if he was at a summer camp working...that kindof makes me feel better.
My friend gave me a book called the One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. I have enjoyed every page of it, and am hoping to make it a habit to read every day. One of this week's readings says this:
"But I am Trusting"-
I am dying from grief; my years are shortened by sadness. misery has drained my strength; I am wasting away from within. but I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" my future is in your hands.- Psalm 31:10, 14-15
The author found out that her baby would have Zellweger Syndrome, a fatal genetic syndrome and that the baby would not live very long. She said after finding out, she and her husband went through a list of Scripture verses and found this to be full of hope (the verses in Psalm 31 above).
She says, "I would like to tell you that our desire to trust in God erased the fear we had about the future- but it wouldn't be true. what I will tell you is that we DETERMINED to trust God with the future. And it wasn't a decision we made one day for forever. It is a decision we made again EVERY day (or at least most days) and a decision we continued to make every day. It's the same for you. Will you trust God today even as your life feels shortened by sadness? Will you surrender your future into the loving hands of God?"
And the prayer: You are my God, and I want to trust you with the hurts of my past and the pain that may be in my future. Today I choose to trust you and believe you'll give me the grace to trust you tomorrow, too.

My hope for Kennedy and me in these next few months is to say, "But I am Trusting" and make that decision and commitment daily to be DETERMINED to trust God with each moment that is passing that we are not together.
My parents, who are very wise people, said (in the form of my dad bringing it up at breakfast this morning) to be strong for Kennedy and let him know I am capable of keeping up with things here so that he can go and do his job well and not be concerned and worried as to what is going on here. Can I miss him and be sad? Absolutely...but being strong, leaning into the Lord, and encouraging Kennedy is something my focus should be on instead of the sadness we may feel.
God, thank you for your Word that gives ultimate comfort. For your promises you speak through your Word that we freely have. And thank you for comforts in forms of family and friends. And thank you we can come to you with our hurts and you give us strength, peace, and meet us with open arms.
From the suggestions of our sister in law who has been through deployments with Kennedy's bro being gone, she said they kept a bucket list email thread...which I think Kennedy and I are going to try to start up. We also are going to try to read a book together, Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage...Since August (right before we got married) we have been saying we are going to read this book together...and we have both read it individually, but we thought it would be a good idea to start reading it together now to give us something to do and talk about together.
Closing out with a hymn I listened to over and over again yesterday:

One less day

My heart is heavy tonight as I am writing this. The above title pertains to Kennedy and mine's countdown to when he will come home from Afghanistan. And right now we are at "one less day" because we aren't sure the exact number of days until he gets there. Right now, he is en route. The past 48-72 hours have been interesting for us.
Sunday night, Kennedy had to be on post at 11:30 pm. He had to take the military van to the airport with 2 other guys that are late deployers to make a 6:00 am flight in Kansas City (which is 2.5ish hours away from where we live in Kansas).
All day Sunday, 11:30 pm loomed over our heads. It was a day of spending a lot of time laughing and just being together and lounging around...Kennedy was finishing up packing, I was trying to pack, and every other moment my emotions would go crazy...crying every minute it felt like. I just knew 11:30 pm was going to come and I couldn't stop it. One of Kennedy and mine's favorite movies is You've Got Mail...to which we have given each other the nicknames: shopgirl and NY152...so in the midst of tears, Kennedy has a way of making me smile by saying "Don't cry, shopgirl, don't cry". And somehow, that phrase brightens my face with a smile. I asked him yesterday what his "152" is...I think we decided it would be the number of chicken casseroles I would make him in our life together.
Back to Sunday. I dropped him off on post...literally, dropped him... I got out and gave him a quick hug, because his arms were loaded with 6 bags...he looked like a packing mule. Soooo many bags. I felt helpless in helping him carry them, and he looked helpless, but he is much stronger and got them into the building no problem! He turned around in the cold snowy night and waved goodbye as I got in my car....and cue the unstoppable tears. I sobbed, called my mom (who had stayed awake to talk to me), and then my dear friend called me on my lonely drive to the apartment. The words she spoke and her encouragement were JUST what I needed in those moments.
For a few weeks now, I have not prayed about Kennedy's deployment...simply because I was frustrated. I have been upset with the fact that our plans have changed...that God has somehow seen it more fit to have us apart after only having lived together for less than a month as a married couple...and I have not wanted to go to him with this situation. I have wanted to clam up and not have to bring this to the Lord. So that night, I was telling my friend how I knew I needed to go to the Lord, I knew both Kennedy and I need His strength, but I felt like I couldn't pray because I didn't know what to say and didn't feel like I could muster up the faith to know what to voice to God. My friend brought up the lyrics to "Come Ye Sinner"...If you have time, you should look up the lyrics...but the part she pointed out was the verse that says- without money, without money, come and buy.
No matter the condition we are in, Jesus still bids us to come. He LONGS for us to come to Him. The first verse says- come ye sinners poor and wretched, weak and wounded, sick and sore, Jesus ready stands to save you, full of pity love and pow'r.
I love that part too. I have felt weak, my heart is wretched, I am poor and have little faith...but Jesus ready stands to save me...even in that condition? really? My faith is based on what He has done. I needed this beautiful Gospel spoken to me...I need it spoken over and over again.
So before going to sleep, I cried ALOUD and voiced my feelings to God...telling Him how much I needed his strength...how much Kennedy needs His strength...and ultimately telling Him my faith was small in these moments, but oh how I knew my need for Him! And praying that He would give me a sense of knowing, even in the smallest of ways, that He would meet me right there in the broken condition I found myself. And He did.
I mentioned all of this to Kennedy over a poor Wi-Fi connection via Skype yesterday...and he emailed me saying that God was reaching out to me through friends, family, etc. even when I didn't feel like reaching out to Him. Truth. Sidenote: something that we did for his deployment was switch Bibles...so he took my scribbled in/crinkly Bible with him and I have his study Bible. Crazy and ironic, but we have both stated how much closer we feel reading the other one's Bible.
Back to Monday now. Barely getting any amount of sleep Sunday night, I woke up Monday morning not feeling that tired...but feeling an overwhelming sadness...again, with uncontrollable tears and emotions.
I had a 10 hour drive ahead of me, but was looking forward to time to think, pray, and then talk to friends/family. it was a long drive! but so thankful for people in our lives that are lifting us up in prayer- they are lifting Kennedy up in prayer, for his safety and safe return, and they are praying for comfort for both of us. (And God painted an amazing sunset on my drive through Arkansas...with pinks and oranges overflowing to the snow covered ground.)
It is hard to put into words how Kennedy's love for me has given me glimpses of Christ's love for me. His sacrifice and willingness to give of his time and energy for others is inexpressible. But his love and commitment to prayer and his faith and to trusting and obeying the Lord's Will have inspired me tremendously.
So this begins a 4/5-6 month time apart from each other. Praying for clarity for his job that he will know what he will be doing once he gets over there...for comfort in times of loneliness/sadness that we will experience, and for safety, and for finding time to spend in reading the Bible while he is there.
We are together praying for this experience to be strengthening for our relationships with God first and foremost, and strengthening for our marriage.
Some verses I have found comforting through this:
"The Lord of hosts has sworn: As I have planned so shall it be, and as I have purposed, so shall it stand". Isaiah 14:24 (I know it, Lord, but help me believe)
"O Lord, you are my God, I will exalt you; I will praise your name, for you have done wonderful things, plans formed of old, faithful, and sure...For you have been a stronghold to the poor, a stronghold to the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat...And he will swallow up on this mountain, the covering that is cast over all peoples; the veil that is spread over all nations. He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from ALL faces..."Isaiah 25:1-4,8
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because He trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4

John 5:1-17, the Gospel

So kennedy and I last night went to a Bible study through a start-up PCA church plant, Manhattan Presbyterian Church….which was just started very recently here in Manhattan, KS...which is GREAT because kennedy and I were wanting to find a church that had similar views and doctrine that we were both brought up on.

Kennedy and I have both been really excited about this church and seeing how the Lord blesses the pastors’ efforts and their ministry. I have never been a part of a church plant, but to me, it is really exciting! Although I can kindof see the difficult realities/challenges it may face.

I left the Bible study feeling refreshed because of 1)the community and 2)the passage that we studied. I love studies in which there is a lot of discussion but the leader kind of slowly takes you through each verse and discusses meanings behind certain words or the context of the passage in general. I love going deeper into the Word.

Last night, the passage we studied was from John 5:1-18 (the healing at the pool). I don’t want to go boringly into talking about every single part that we touched on, but I found this passage encouraging and a great reminder of the Gospel and the good news we share in and are able to share with others. This is an amazing story of healing…and not just physical healing but it has great spiritual implications. So in this passage, Jesus purposely goes to this pool Bethesda, which was known for its “mythical” healing powers…the water would stir up quickly and you had to go into the pool while it was stirred up in order to be healing. Verse 3 says “here a great number of disabled people used to lie- the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.” There were multitudes of basically outcasts or invalids- which Brian our pastor said meant that these were people who were too sick to care for or do anything for themselves. The one that Jesus goes to out of the many was one who the passage says had been there for 38 years…we are not told how old he is, but he was there for probably most of his life. Jesus picked him out of everyone there and the Bible says He already knew his condition and the first thing he asks the man is, “Do you want to get well?” The man’s reply is not a “YES! NOW!” It is almost an explanation of his condition- telling Jesus, whom he did not know was Jesus at that time, “Sir, I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me”. So this man is apparently the hopeless of the hopeless…among the lowest of low in that area. He can’t get into the “healing pool” himself nor does he have anyone who will help him in…and he says, “while I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me”. Jesus says to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk”. The man picks up his mat and walks.

The rest of the passage is about the Sabbath- the man finds out that who healed him was Jesus…he also finds out that the Jews are angry because Jesus was working on the Sabbath and performing miracles….the Jews were mad at Jesus and at the man for picking up his mat and walking.

These are some things that came up in our discussion of this passage & things that struck me as I was reading this and humbled by and reminded of the Gospel!:

-       Jesus goes to this place, knowing already what He would be doing (and even on the Sabbath, breaking the rule of working and performing miracles)

-       Jesus picks out one invalid to save- a helpless, hopeless sick man whose condition has basically become his identity…what are the spiritual implications of this? We are in this same “condition” as sinners…we are helpless/hopeless without our Savior, Christ. But He comes to us, finds us in this condition, knows our condition, but says, Get up! Pick up your mat and walk. He is the GREAT healer…spiritually. And physically.

-       Jesus could have healed the whole multitude of people there- this raises questions of why didn’t He? Why did He just save the one? This led into discussion of “election” and why some are chosen to be children of God and some are not. This is something that leaves God mysterious and something that we don’t understand on this earth.

-       The invalid’s response to Jesus’ question of if he wants to be well or be healed is not YES! It is telling Him of his condition…

-       The invalid doesn’t even ask Jesus who He is! This man who is telling Him to get up pick up his mat and walk! He doesn’t say- Hey, who are you? And are you really going to heal me? Instead, he, in his helpless condition with nothing else to do in his state, obeys and follows Jesus’ instruction…without even knowing who Jesus is! Talk about Jesus meeting someone and healing someone with no faith…a lot of times I think I have to have all my ducks in a row when it comes to my faith, but Jesus meets this man, a sinner, and also a sick, hopeless outcast and heals him, and the man listens and obeys Jesus. Jesus meets me where I am in my faith…whether I have strengthened faith or not…He listens to me, He knows my condition, and still He shows compassion and mercy. What a loving God. What a great piece of Good News! Not for me to hold on to and keep in, but to share.

There are so many things about Jesus I overlook, forget, and need to be reminded of or new things I need to be pointed to about who He is, what He did for me, and what my faith is based upon…it is not based on how much faith I have or trust of Him I have at certain times…it is based on His work, His death, His life, and what He did for me. He simply asks us to believe Him, believe what He did, and trust His truths. And then share with others the Gospel.

I’m thankful that my God does not leave us in our helpless, hopeless human condition, but He has come and healed by His death and His resurrected life. He is compassion, merciful, and His love is unconditional and endless, no matter where I am.

A quick update and then I am done (with the longest blog post ever!). Kennedy is deploying Dec 09…and will be gone for the longest of 146 days…which means he should be back by the beginning of May at the very latest. We are keeping our apartment here in KS, and I will be back home for several months while he is gone and will come back and forth to KS and permanently settle back probably in March. We are so grateful still for family, friends, etc. who are praying for this change…and we are finding the joy in being able to spend time together and here in KS (I have been cooking… A LOT—K loves my chicken casserole that I have made 2 times and making again tonight, and pumpkin muffins that I’ve made twice) and also in the fact that God has His hands in all of it and is holding us up…even though there are periods of times or days where I don’t want to see the joy and I just want to be sad and think- I CANT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING TO US!

I am just in prayer that God would teach us both things that grow us spiritually and strengthen our relationship and marriage and our faith in His plan and His control & sovereignty.

lift my life up

This song has been an encouragement to me lately. I started listening to it on Sunday morning...as my mom and I drove all day Saturday, this song came on the radio several times en route. The lyrics stuck in my head. On our drive, I was thinking about the changes Kennedy and I were about to enter into---living in Kansas, a new place for both of us, being a married couple, and the first time we have lived life together. 

Mom and I got to Kansas Saturday afternoon. We were able to stop through STL and visit with a good friend for breakfast. We were on a mission, though, to get to Manhattan, KS! We got here, unloaded my car, and rested a bit before going to dinner.

Sunday morning my mom left. It was a weird feeling. We dropped my mom off at the airport, I gave her a big hug and she told Kennedy (through little tears), "Take care of our girl!"

So, Kennedy and I were off to start married military life together- the day to day life! On Sunday afternoon we went to the gym (of course...if you know us, you know we like exercising together), and I you-tubed this video "Lift My Life Up". I listened to it over and over again, and with the thought in my head that God is faithful...He has brought me this far...why do I question things about His sovereignty or His plan? And now that Kennedy and I are married, we were starting off making "plans" and doing things together on a daily basis. 

Then Monday morning came. Kennedy and I ate breakfast and he left for work. I started getting excited about organizing everything in our apartment and emptying my boxes so I could get some of our floors looking like normal instead of cluttered with my "stuff". I was folding clothes, hanging clothes, cleaning the kitchen, etc. when Kennedy called me at about 9:30. A backstory to this is that Kennedy and I have been through a roller coaster of military life...which is apparently "normal" to be told one thing but do another. Back in the summer, Kennedy was told he would be deploying. So, we prayed/discussed about getting married in August before he would leave in September. We decided to go ahead and get married in Kansas...then September rolled around and the unit in Afghanistan became "on the fence" about their decision for if Kennedy would deploy...they said we will probably need you, then 2 weeks later they would say never mind we may not need you, then a few days/weeks later they said he was for sure not going. THAT was a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. I was semi-mentally prepared for him leaving, then became really excited about that he wasn't going and that I could move out to KS sooner than expected...we could also move up our wedding celebration to sooner (originally it was June, and we could move it to the spring). Excitement but also disappointment for Kennedy that he wouldn't deploy- this was something he wanted to do for his career. So forward we went in planning for me to move to KS sooner, wedding celebration plans unfolding sooner, and me quitting my job in Nash, packing, and finding a roommate to take my place at my condo...everything panned out how we were hoping...and forward we pressed on! 

So back to Kennedy calling me at 9:30 Monday morning. Happily unpacking and listening to the Lift My Life Up song by Unspoken, I answered the phone kind of thinking Kennedy was calling to tell me he was on his way home...but instead I answered and Kennedy says "Hey...what would you think about you moving back to Memphis for 6 months?"and I said..."What are you talking about?" And he said, "I was just told I am deploying....leaving in like 7-10 days, gone for 6 months". My heart fell in my stomach...I kindof choked and said, "Are you serious???" And he said, "Yeah, not joking, and I've gotta go talk to some people about details and I'll call you back". I choked back tears and didn't know what to say. I sat in the floor I was unpacking and tears just started coming. I waited to call my mom until Kennedy had more specific info. But as soon as he called me back and said he would come home and talk with me about everything, I called my mom and told her, and cried more. Her reaction was priceless...I kept asking "What are we supposed to do now?! What about Kennedy? I don't understand why he has to go!!" I continued to sit on the floor and pray asking the Lord WHY and WHAT IN THE WORLD DID HE HAVE IN STORE FOR US WITH HIS PLANS? WHY CAN'T HE STICK WITH THE PLAN WE HAD? WHY CAN'T THESE PEOPLE MAKE UP THEIR MINDS? 

So, Kennedy came home during lunch and we sat at the table and talked about it...and I cried more...but I remembered my mom saying that my job was to support Kennedy, that this wasn't his doings but the military's way of doing things and that I needed to be strong and rely on the Lord's will, plan, and timing for everything and that everything was going to be okay. I told Kennedy I didn't want him to go as he was telling me he didn't want to go and leave me...but I told him this was his job and my mom said everything would be fine and I could move back to Memphis/travel/etc. 

SO. since Monday we have been processing this information, feeling so loved/cared for/prayed for/supported/ and encouraged by so many. 

what are we learning? God's plan is better than ours...even though we don't see it. His plan is PERFECT. He is faithful. Why do we have to question Him when things don't go our way? we are also learning the importance of prayer, relying on the Word of God, and the importance of other believers and community who come alongside us and pray and encourage us, in which we only hope we can do the same for our friends & family in praying and encouraging them. 

More updates to come. Tentatively K Fish is leaving Dec4...and gone through April.

So here are the lyrics and the video. Enjoy!

good quotes

Live your lives in love, the same sort of love which Christ gives us, and which He perfectly expressed when He gave Himself as a sacrifice to God.

-Corrie Ten Boom

Helpfulness means, initially, simple assistance in trifling, external matters. There is a multitude of these things wherever people live together. Nobody is too good for the meanest service. One who worries about the loss of time that such petty, outward acts of helpfulness entail is usually taking the importance of his own career too solemnly.

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"He makes us wait. He keeps us in the dark on purpose. He makes us walk when we want to run, sit still when we want to walk, for he has things to do in our souls that we are not interested in".

Elisabeth Elliott

best summer of my life

(I FOUND THIS POST SAVED IN MY "DRAFTS" FOLDER THAT I NEVER POSTED...HAD TO POST IT!)

so half of 2013 is gone, and I can say that this year has been the best year I have ever had. i met the man i will spend the rest of my life with in April, and we got engaged in July... our life is "to be continued" together.
it is fun to think back on all of our weekends of meeting up. we actually met on e harmony and were matched up on a Sunday in the beginning of April. i ended up messaging him first, because i saw on his profile that he was related to a girl i knew at auburn- his sister n law- and another was his sister i had met right before i left auburn that were both involved in RUF. after that message, we ended up talking and met up that next weekend in Huntsville. then we had a couple of weekends where we had conflicts and couldn't meet up, but the last weekend of april until today, we have seen each other every weekend- we may have missed one weekend of being together.
kennedy has impacted my life and world in so many ways. he is a strong leader and compassionate person, very deeply rooted in his faith and knowledge of Jesus. he is loving and caring and giving of his time and goes out of his way, putting others before himself. this has been a wonderful example for me to aspire to be more like- which has inspired me to look more at Jesus and long to be more like Him.
we have experienced so much together in already a short amount of time, but as we are telling people, when we knew, we just knew. i had no doubts or hesitations in my mind from the beginning that God created kennedy for me to love the rest of my life!

new chapter of life

i have this verse on a reminder that goes off every night at 8 pm...isaiah 41:10- fear not for I am with you. be not dismayed for i am your God. i will strengthen you, i will help you, i will uphold you by my righteous right hand.

well the time has come- the closing of one chapter of my life and next weekend will be the beginning of a new chapter. tomorrow is my last day at kemp dental. words can't express the atmosphere of this place...one word description would be: love. the love shared daily among co-workers and overflowing to patients. 

i am holding the verses above in memory... i know God will strengthen me, He will be my help, and He will be with me. 

the past year and a half have been hard at times, but have opened my eyes to the importance of my relationship with Christ and with that, my longing and my need for Him, and to the importance of community- to the richness and deepness of friendships that have encouraged me.  a whole new thing my eyes have been opened to is loving others...no matter their background or home life or address...but simply loving people. and i have learned this from the people that surround me on a daily basis. they are giving of their time, resources, and energy for others. these are the type of people i need around me!

and here i am at the closing of a chapter. and the beginning of a new one..kennedy and i are married and so excited to be moving to kansas. it is bittersweet to be leaving nashville and be far from friends and family, but it is exciting and something we are looking forward to! 

tomorrow night i leave for memphis and am there a week to pack up everything there and then next thursday i have my big master's project presentation and friday my mom and i will leave for st louis and then the day after we will drive the rest of the way to ks.

i am overwhelmed with emotions...i cried on the way to work this morning and then right before i got out of my car, kennedy called, and i was talking about it being almost my last day with my friends @ kemp's...then i was talking about all the packing and everything i have to do before actually moving and started crying even more. and kennedy said, "don't cry, shop girl, don't cry". he has a way of making me smile through my pitiful tears.

there wasn't really a point to this post, other than an update...and a venting of emotions/things going on in my head. my posts haven't been all that organized or informational. but here is the update for now.

His loving kindness begins afresh each day...

Oh how I am savoring this promise tonight- God's loving kindness begins afresh each day- Lamentations 3:23. I needed to read this tonight.
Looking back on the past year of my life, things have changed tremendously. There are many many things that could be different had I made some different decisions in 2012. Thankfully, God is faithful and has been pursuant of drawing me to His plan for my life, when I had a "plan A" for myself that I thought was best for me. God has definitely shown me how His timing and plans are perfect for me, and I have to be patient and trusting Him in every step He shows me...thank goodness He is faithful in His loving pursuit of His children.
My life is going through many changes....and has BEEN going through changes since April when I met Kennedy. I am picking up life in Nashville and heading west to Kansas very soon, like in a few weeks. I am wedding planning and packing and finishing school. I am beyond thankful for Kennedy's patience and steadfastness in Christ- he keeps me grounded and growing in my faith.
In the midst of life and stuff and chaos going on, I'm finding it difficult to remember to trust and pray, especially pray. Prayer for me ebbs and flows. I go through phases of consistent prayer and communication with God...and then when life becomes crazy and I put other things in higher priority than spending time with Him, I lack in my closeness and reliance on Him...
I am reading through some of my old journals tonight before I go to sleep and thinking back on where I was not just a year ago but even 2-3 years ago and what I thought my life would look like then. I was in constant prayer for direction and wisdom and the Lord's strength to make it through difficult things. I read this tonight and want to take it to memory, especially during this time of my life: "A life filled with prayer is a life of great blessing"- Richard Pratt.
I forget who shared this with me, but I also wrote this down in 2008 in my journal while I was a counselor at KIVU in colorado- "peace wraps around your heart when you're able to trust God for just today and not be burdened with the if onlys, what ifs, and whys".
There are going to be continuous times of "life" and letting "life" and other priorities take precedence over our relationship and time with God...What I've been reading and thinking on tonight is "God IS" and that we can come to Him, He longs for us to come. He is MY rock. I am in a state of constant need for Him, for all that He is, for His character, His grace, His love, His rest, His mercy, His strength. And I don't deserve any of His goodness and faithfulness.
Ps 40- Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me; you are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay.
I Chron 29- David's Prayer- Everything comes from you; I know my God that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity, then David said to the whole assembly, "praise the Lord your God". So they ALL praised the Lord, the GOD of their fathers; they bowed low and fell prostrate before the Lord and the King.
This is a scatter-brain post, mainly because my thoughts have been all over the place. But when I blog or read certain passages of Scripture or a quote I wrote down 5 years ago in a journal, I had no idea at that time where I would be now or experiences friends would go through that would teach me more about who God is- even if their experiences were painful. Last quote I will type out, and I thought of friends who are going through changes and hard things when I read this (from my journal in 01/05/2008):
"O fill me with your fullness, Lord, until my very heart o'er flow in kindling thought and glowing word your love to tell, your praise to show.
O use me, Lord, use even me, just as you will and when and where, until your blessed face I see, your rest, your joy, your glory share".- 'Lord Speak to me that I may Speak'- Havergal, 1872

Tim Keller on obedience

This excerpt is from Tim Keller's "Jesus the King" that i borrowed a while back from a friend (Sarah, I have yet to get it to you, sorry!). I thought of friends who are dealing with suffering and those who have in the past and my family who has dealt with deaths and broken relationships. Tim Keller is amazing.
The Obedience of Love
"When the circumstances of life are giving you the desires of your heart, you're content. Suffering happens, we might say, when there's a gap between the desires of your heart and the circumstances of your life, and the bigger the gap, the greater the suffering. what do you do when that gap gets too wide? one response is to change the circumstances- to get off the path that's taking you into suffering. of course, sometimes this is the right response; our present circumstances may really have to change. there may be a very unhealthy relationship that needs to be ended or put on a different course, or a medical condition that needs to treated aggressively. we should not accept all circumstances with passive fatalism. many people have a pattern, however, of dealing with almost any suffering by getting out of town, breaking promises, pulling out of relationships. they invariably try to go someplace where their desires are satisfied, because they consider their desires all-important, which makes their circumstances negotiable. they are willing to do practically anything to avoid suffering. the problem is that life circumstances rarely oblige. try that new set of circumstances and in six months you'll need another set...
of course, there are times when we need to suppress our desires, because they're so often destructive, but to eliminate all desire is to eliminate our ability to love; and God made us to love.
when you look at Jesus here in the Garden of Gethsemane, he appears to be taking the first approach. he's certainly not taking the way of detachment; he's pouring his heart out. He's undone. and he's honestly and desperately asking God to change the circumstances...He's actually not taking his circumstances into his own hands. in the end, he's obeying- relinquishing control over his circumstances and submitting his desires to the will of the Father...often what seem to be our deepest desires are really just our loudest desires...Jesus is saying- I trust you no matter what i'm feeling right now. i know that your desires are ultimately my desires. do what we both know must be done-
and in so doing, Jesus is absolutely obedient to the will of God...Jesus is subordinating his loudest desires to his deepest desires by putting them in the Father's hands. as if to say- if the circumstances of life do not satisfy the present desires of my heart, i'm not going to suppress those desires, but i'm not going to surrender to them, either. i know that they will only be satisfied, eventually, in the Father. i will trust and obey him, put myself in his hands, and go forward-
in the midst of his suffering, he obeys for the love of the Father- and for the love of us.
and when you see that, instead of perpetually denying your desires or changing your circumstances, you'll be able to trust the Father in your suffering. you will be able to trust that because Jesus took the cup, your deepest desires and your actual circumstances are going to keep converging until they unite forever on the day of the eternal feast.
the love of Christ- whose obedience is wide and long and high and deep enough to dissolve a mountain of rightful wrath- is the love you've been looking for all your life. no family love, no friend love, no mother or spousal love, no romantic love- nothing could possibly satisfy you like that...all those other kinds of loves will let you down; this one never will."

God is bigger

in my monday night bible study we are talking about the book of Jonah this week. first you should know that our bible study is a study on how to study the bible well- by using observation, interpretation, and application. we are spending a good bit of our time in the observation part and are reading the book of Jonah for this week's study. in this week's assignment, we were to observe different parts of this story. reading this over and over again and with the "observation" mentality, i read this story differently than i ever have before. last night, i was observing the storm that happened while Jonah was on the ship after he decided to flee from God. the assignment was to "list every description of the storm- in order of its appearance in text. what do you observe"?
these were my observations:
The Lord was in control of the storm- HE hurled a great wind upon the sea.
God's hand was in the storm in creating a "mighty tempest" on the sea- so strong that the ship threatened to break up.
The sea became more tempestuous (which means it was characterized by strong and turbulent or conflicting emotion---online dictionary---)
As the sailors tried more and more to control the situation by throwing cargo over the ship and running around, the sea grew more tempestuous.

now, this is my own interpretation of the text, but the first thing that stood out to me and has stuck with my since i read this last night was GOD was in control of the storm. He was the one who hurled the storm and the winds that was throwing the ship around...i think of the "storms" in life, where i have no control and feel like my life is being thrown around in the sea, but God is here in the storm in the book of Jonah, He is the one in control of it. how comforting that is. and also as the sailors tried to take control, the sea and winds became worse...until they finally cried out to the one true God to save them.
how many times am i like the sailors...when my life is being tossed by the unconstant throws of life, and all i know to do is call out to God. a friend told me lately how she has learned in her "storm" and in this season of her life, that God is her only constant.
i'm thankful that God is in control of the storm...He is in the midst of them. and He hears my call to Him, even when i am like the sailors.

Inspired

so tonight, I am inspired to blog. i'm not sure if it is because my roommates are bloggers and everyone under our roof is currently working on their blogs, or if lately I have just felt the need to write.
everyone needs some inspiration to do or be something, and sometimes you just have to go for it whatever it is.
this past weekend I was encouraged during one of my runs about my job and the impact the people I work with have had on my life in the past year and a half of working with them.  I am encouraged and inspired by each of them in different ways daily. right now, I am inspired by the work and vision of my boss and the organization Hope Smiles and the difference and impact it is making in our community...and i'm reminded that ultimately it is the work of God in the hearts of people. as kennedy and I ran this past weekend through some not great areas of Chattanooga, my heart was full of hope and love for the homeless people we saw as we were passing them by. before being involved with the great work of Hope Smiles, I would never have made eye contact with the people sitting on sidewalks holding up signs needing money, or people waiting at the bus stop who looked hopeless and in despair, or the old man sitting under the bridge to get out of the heat and sun. but God has grabbed my attention in remembering His love for me and ultimately for His people and creation...and how I ought to give that love to others. how does this apply now to me? it means remembering that daily we have opportunities to love and serve the people around us. it means that we need to encourage one another in this as believers. we need each other to lean on and keep accountable for our words, thoughts, and actions towards others. to take the time out of a minute of our busy days to love on someone or pray for someone.
God opens our eyes when we are least looking for Him to. He works in our hearts in the smallest of ways, but in those small ways, we can make a world of difference.
"And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity". Colossians 3:14

Psalm 31

I love this Psalm:
In you O Lord do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame; in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your ear to me; rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me, a strong fortress to save me! for you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and you guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you are my refuge. into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God...I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place. be gracious to me O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and body also, for my life is spent with sorry and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away...but I trust in you O Lord I say you are my God. my times are in your hand; rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors! make your face shine on your servant; save me in your steadfast love! Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!

I have really been searching through these verses recently after different circumstances have come up with friends. these verses provide so much comfort and promise from our faithful God. my favorite part of this Psalm is the part that says..."for your name's sake you lead me and you guide me". I heard a sermon recently on perspective and how perspective can change the way we live our lives... I think if we reminded ourselves of this daily that it is for His name's sake that we are led and that we live, we would live and make decisions differently. Even in difficult times. We can boldly say that He cares for us and loves us and we may go through really hard things, but it is for His sake and not our own.

Psalm 138:8

The verse that comes to mind tonight as I'm flipping through the Psalms (one of my favorite books of the Bible) says: "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands".
I think this verse is easier said and believed in the "easy" times in our lives, where things are going smoothly, everything is looking up for us, very little things go wrong. At least for me, these verses seem more attractive when circumstances in my life are good. However, when things go wrong or there is disappointment or uncertainty, this becomes harder to understand and believe...will the Lord in my grief/pain/suffering/confusion really fulfill His purpose for me? IS He fulfilling His purpose for me at this very moment? Is He really a God of steadfast love that endures forever? How can He be when I am experiencing pain or grief? The plea at the end of the verse "Do not forsake the work of your hands" brings a reality to the fact that we need Him. And I am so grateful and in awe that He does not leave us to ourselves. His hand is in every part of our lives. Today I was talking with a patient who has had severe medical issues with her heart and her back, and has been married for 20 something years to a man who had been married before (who had kids from that marriage). So she has 3 stepchildren and grandchildren from his previous marriage. All throughout her life, she developed more and more back problems and had to have surgery after surgery where her doctors were telling her she should not have children and that it would be detrimental to her health. I asked her how that made her feel and she said she was embarrassed and disappointed, but she knew all along that God had a plan. Now she is one of those people where I start having these conversations and I want to dig deeper and deeper into her story- which really is not "her" story, it is God's story (as she is a believer) shown in her testimony and in her life. She said she grew up with both of her parents being alcoholics...and she remembers praying at an early age by her bed- "God I know you love me, but why do you have me in this family?" She said she just knew that God loved her- that someone bigger than her parents knew her and loved her. I teared up at this that even though her parents were not believers, she knew at an early age miraculously that simple truth that was spoken into her heart. She said at age 13 she accepted Christ and her grandmother was a devout Christian that prayed with her and her siblings and read Scripture with them daily because of her parents' circumstances. I am amazed at her story and God's love and mercy towards her what would have been hopeless life. I told her that her story is exactly the reason why we as Christians need to share our stories that are really God's stories- His grace and truth weaved into the threads of our very beings! I was so encouraged by her. She started crying in my chair when we both said out loud- God knows what we need to hear when we need to hear it.
What an amazing God we serve- He is loving, faithful, sovereign, powerful, gracious, merciful. So many wonderful things that many times we cannot even begin to comprehend.
The past few months have certainly revealed more and more of God's sovereign hand and how loving and gracious He is. Even in the difficult circumstances, He is there. He never leaves us. His Spirit CANNOT leave us if we have accepted Him as our only Savior. It's hard for me to really grasp that concept.
So back to the verse in Psalm. There was a time last year when if someone had told me that verse, I would have prayed- Ok God, I know you're sovereign and your timing is perfect and you know your plan for my life that is for my best, but it's really hard for me to see that right now- but give me strength to trust you.
There were many times last year of crying out to the Lord and not understanding His doings, but I was reminded by my parents and others around me to continue in prayer and trust in His goodness.
Looking back at that time in my life and where I am now, it comes easier for me to say the Lord WILL fulfill His purpose for me, His steadfast love DOES endure forever. I think what we all struggle with is when times are not good and things are not going as we thought they were or how we planned, where we need these truths spoken over and over again into our lives- and we need people around us who point us always to Christ.
I am thankful for even the awful times, because it is in those places where God draws us to Himself- where we come to that place where we only have Him to rely on.
So I'll close with an update, but this is what I have been dwelling on in Scripture and hearing in different people's stories that I have heard lately- a common theme of trust and God's hand in ALL things.
Update: I am happily dating the man I never would have thought existed or God could have picked more perfectly for me. I'm thankful for His loving kindness in providing me with and blessing me with him. I picture God literally opening His arms and pulling me out of a dark place and into light within the past year or so. I can't count the number of times I prayed for clarity, wisdom, and God's strength to bring me to where I am now.
Loving Nashville, of course, and more importantly loving what I do every day with people that I love working with and doing life with.
I can't wait for this weekend of rest and being home. My mom is already asking what my plans are so she can figure out cooking for me and my dad all weekend.
Lastly, this quote:
The goal of redemption is not immediate happiness as we might define it now, but holiness of life; not the good life as we imagine it on Earth, but the perfection of Heaven itself."
 p. 27, A Grace Revealed. Jerry Sittser.

simple joys of life

when you run 13.1 miles, you have two hours to think. i'm pretty sure i caught my mind running in so many different directions today as i ran around the city of nashville for the 2013 country music half marathon. i think about so many things and go through different things in my life that i'm thankful for. i also look for the simple things at the race, like when a friend sees a friend cheering them on, when little kids are watching from the sidelines with their hands out to give runners high-fives. i make sure when i see that to go out of my way and give them a high five back. today it was raining the entire race, but i even caught myself being grateful for the rain and not the intense heat and sweating which usually occurs during the country music race.
there was a different atmosphere this year, however, for runners. i can't explain it, and it wasn't a negative atmosphere, it was actually uplifting and encouraging. after the tragedy at the boston marathon a couple of weeks ago, you could see and feel the resilience of the runners today and that everyone's heart went out to the victims and their families, especially the lives that were lost and the 150 injured. i also found myself remembering how much and why i love nashville. as we ran by the fire department and churches and other organizations within the city, their volunteers and employees all standing outside in the pouring rain screaming and cheering, the runners would pass by and cheer back for the firemen, churches, etc. i saw one guy in his 30's probably running and he fist pump cheered the fire dept. it was touching and encouraging to see the life of a city playing out in supporting a race- when it is below 50 degrees and pouring rain. not to mention, the runners' support for each other. i saw two handicapped people on the course today with people pushing them and running alongside them. runners that passed by would cheer for them. it's the little, simple joys that you experience in a race that make you want to experience and be constantly reminded of them in day to day life.

hallelujah

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I've fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it's when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever's in front of me
I'll choose to sing hallelujah
- bethany dillon

lately, i am loving these lyrics. i love the chorus and thinking about singing praise and saying hallelujah to whatever is in front of me. life is crazy for me right now. i feel like i am juggling too many things and if i drop one, i drop everything. i have  school hours to get, papers to write, moving into a new place, cleaning my old place, work, and on top of that daily little things and committing to being still and resting and being a good friend.
last week for easter i was here- the first holiday that i have not been home! i went to crosspoint and the sermon was basically saying we try to hold so much ourselves and hold everything together by ourselves and then we get overwhelmed and weighed down. but he referenced psalm 18:2- stating that God is our Rock...our safe place, place of dwelling, and refuge. and we can trust Him with anything- with whatever is in front of us. we can praise Him and He doesn't change. i needed to hear that and be reminded of that truth in this season of my life.

HOME

so this weekend i have a much needed visit to memphis. it has been a RARE occurrence for it to be this long since i've been home....last time was my bday weekend almost two months ago. if you know me, you know that is not like me at all! i have an eye appointment and meeting for school and just down time planned- hopefully good amounts of rest!
i feel like i have been going and going- with work, school, and moving soon! the closing date on my condo is good friday- i cannot wait. it's hard to believe that almost three years ago, i moved to nashvegas...not really knowing how long i would be here or why God brought me here. i've had to go through a lot and deal with some things, but all along God has been faithful and present and guiding me. and i am so thankful.
i can't wait to move and be in a new location- i feel like it has helped me move on from things in my past and helps me in starting a new chapter of life. pics soon!

take time to slowwwww down.

this is what i need to do tonight and tomorrow. i just finished catching up on school work. i have had NO time this week to do any of it! i am thankful for tonight and staying in. i worked yesterday and today. our work had our "project smiles" weekend where UT dental students come in and observe and work clinically in our office applying real world skills to patients who can't afford the dental work that they need. most of the patients we see for these events are so grateful because they have either just graduated from a Christian "rehab" treatment center or they graduated a while ago and have not been able to have any dental work. they are typically pretty self conscious of their teeth and how their smile affects every part of their life.
so tonight, i'm catching my breath and resting. i have something pretty much every weekend until the end of april! between work, school, and looking at housing, life has been so busy...and now that i'm "looking up" for a minute without my tunnel vision blinders on, it is already march 2nd. time has gone so quickly. which reminds me to take in every second of each day the good and bad. to "seize the day". to become more and more grateful.
for example, things during my day i try to soak in is those few but important extra minutes i have every single morning before work on my couch with my coffee and Bible. i could choose to disregard getting in the Word or feeling too tired every day, but i have to soak up those moments. for the sunrise that i get to see on my way to work, which makes me thankful for getting to work as early as we do. for sunsets- my most favorite part of EVERY day is right when the sun is setting. if i could remember to take a picture of it every day, i would. or like today, soaking up the fact that it is march 2nd but it is snowing in nashville. as annoying and frustrating that can be for messing up plans/driving, it is still something to see with thankful eyes. for each patient that i love talking to, hearing their stories, or being inspired by how ever the Lord is working in their life. or if they are not a believer that THEY will soak in those moments in our office where we as a staff have opportunities to love and serve them and SHOW them the love of Christ.
i'm thankful for and soaking in His love tonight. i am exhausted and emptied of energy, but am longing more and more to accept His love. Lord, i pray for that longing daily- i need your strength and grace to ask- that longing only comes from you- i am not naturally bent to long for that.
excited for spring coming! and beautiful weather. and a new season of life.