a new Hope

Dear friend that I made at our FRG Christmas party filled with 100's of people I did not know,
Before you said something as we sat awkwardly at our table, I was curious about your story. We both had that "alone" look on our faces, being at a party where we didn't really know anyone expect for our spouses. I stuck my hand out to meet you. I slowly glanced down only to do a double take as I saw your pregnant tummy. My first thought was, "Lord, Why did you seat us at the same table?" As we awkwardly met, and your story came to light, I really wanted to share mine with you. You continued to chow down on the food, saying over and over that you never ate enough because everything you ate made you sick, and I thought about how in the past 4 months I have experienced that same pregnancy glow you had around you, the same sortof turn-off and sickness I had with certain foods, the questions that come with being pregnant and thoughts about what the future would be for mine and Kennedy's little growing family. Yet, I couldn't offer any dialogue about babies or tell you that I had recently lost our first baby. I just sat and listened and laughed when you made pregnancy jokes or comments. Your husband then came over and was able to chime in about your weird cravings, the fact that your belly was so big at 10 weeks and maybe you were carrying twins, and I joined in laughing. I sat, probably with surprise in my eyes, as you said you were going to your first sonogram appointment this week, hoping to hear the baby's heartbeat- and you were hoping it was only ONE heartbeat instead of two. Tears gathered in my eyes, as a flashback of our first sonogram appointment turned out so differently than what you were saying you anticipated. I was confused that I could relate so well with all of your feelings and emotions and our discussion, yet I didn't want to tell you about our first sonogram appointment. It's still painful for me to look back on. Throughout our conversation, I heard resonating in my mind over and over again, "The joy of the Lord is your strength"...I didn't think that months after our miscarriage, it would still be hard for me to be around babies, to talk about pregnancy- but GOD surrounded me that night I met you, dear friend, with a new hope. A hope that is reminding me of what this season is about. It is about God's plan and gift from before time: to send His Only Son in the form of an infant child born in a lowly manger who was to bear the weight of my sin and to redeem my broken heart, broken self, and pain. I pray that through the birth of your baby (babies- twins!), you would also see and experience this hope that has kept me going. This precious, perfect Life that came to this earth to save you and me. I pray that one day our stories will be very similar in that you, your husband, and your baby (ies) will know this perfect Life and be known by Him.

God has been our only hope. I've experienced this hope in a whole new light these past 4 months. Little did I know that God would allow me to experience this hope through the way that we have, but I am thankful even more this Christmas for Emmanuel- God with us. The conversation with the pregnant stranger was one of the first times I have had peace and joy in those kinds of moments. God is not finished in His working in my heart, and I am grateful for even those hard encounters where I am aware of His presence.

"She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save the people from their sins...The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel- God with us".

Matthew 1:22-23

Psalm 46

Kennedy and I wrote many a letter to each other during his deployment. We also wrote each other while we were dating after meeting last April. I TREASURE letters. I absolutely love snail mail. I'll come back to this in a minute...

Tonight, I started thanking the Lord for some time to myself where I could sit at His feet, read His Word, and talk to Him. Not often enough do I take advantage of this alone, intimate time with Him. I spoke my fears and worries and He led me to a familiar Psalm- Psalm 46. 

Psalm 46. An encouraging Psalm. A psalm about God being our refuge and strength, a "very present help in trouble". I gave Kennedy a hard time, because there were a few letters I sent him during the deployment that he had not opened. He said he wanted to keep them and read them for when he had a bad day upon returning from Afghanistan and taking command here at Ft. Riley. I kind of laughed at the thought and said in my mind that he would probably forget. It came to the point that I had to ask him to read one or two here and there out loud, because they were just sitting out on his nightstand. 

As soon as we got home from our first ultrasound appointment with the heavy, sad news, I stumbled into our bedroom and drowned in tears. Kennedy was of great comfort, and turned to his nightstand opening one of the unopened letters that I had written him. It started off by saying of course that I missed him and couldn't wait for him to be back...but in this particular letter that he opened, I had written that on the day he opened it (in Afghanistan), I wanted him to take a moment (if not more) to "Be still and know that (I) am God"- Psalm 46:10. And then I had written out that Psalm for him, and myself, to be encouraged.

With tears in our eyes and the unknowns swirling around us of how to move forward through and from this grief, he continued to read this beautiful Psalm: 

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved from the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling, There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The Lord of hosts is with us, the God of Jacob is our fortress...

'Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!'

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress".

I'm reading that Psalm again tonight, tears of joy streaming down. Knowing this brings the best and most sustainable and lasting comfort. God is a very present help in trouble and I am praising Him tonight for this truth and for leading me to these verses and memory. I want to remember in times of trouble, that the God of Jacob is my fortress. He is with me and will strengthen me.

Expectations

As I do with most posts, I'm going to start off by saying that this one may not make sense. I'm writing off of a fuzzy brain, compounded with discouragement. I have to admit that my expectations of God can sometimes be small. I get impatient and doubt His power in situations that I think I can take control of. God is showing me that He is more powerful than I can imagine and He is reshaping my expectations of Him. When all of the miscarriage stuff was happening, I of course prayed, cried out loud to God...but small parts of my heart were in constant struggle of not praying confidently. There were parts of me that were holding back in prayer, doubting that He could really redeem this and give me reasons to hope and have joy. My expectations were small.
God shows us over and over again in His Word that He is more powerful than we can imagine or grasp. Why do I doubt this?
Today I went in for my HcG level check. Since the miscarriage, the doctor has been monitoring the levels as they have decreased, but it has been a really slow and long process of the numbers coming down. Nearing the end, the doctor recommended I come back every two weeks instead of every week. In the past month, the decrease has been really slight. Like every two weeks it has gone down 10 or 15. I was hoping or EXPECTING my levels to be at normal range (10 or below)...but I was given disappointing news of "19.2" when I answered my phone while at Hobby Lobby- almost in tears in the paper craft aisle. I know God is reshaping my expectations of Him. In the discouragement, I want to still be thankful. Before these past few months, my confidence in hope and my expectations of God were something that changed with whatever my circumstances were. And now, He is all that I can hold on to and has remained the same: faithful, and this has strengthened my confidence and hope and expectations. Even though the HcG levels haven't gone down as I've expected them to, they've still gone down, which is a praise. Even though "fill in the blank with whatever life's hard circumstances have been", something good has come out of them, which may not have looked like our expectations but they were good in the sense that God, out of His love for us, revealed more of Himself to us.
I did a search on "expectations of God" and came across a really good article, that as I was reading, I was nodding my head and thinking to myself, "This is exactly how I feel" and the author nailed it. Jon Bloom says, "Highest on God's agenda for us is strengthening our faith. Highest on our agenda is frequently accomplishing something necessary or noble, or escaping affliction or humiliation. These may not be wrong desires, but they may be the wrong priorities...The strength that God supplies is often increased capacities to trust his promises, which might require dying to our envisioned accomplishment or enduring what we wish to escape...God loves to answer our prayers with the strength that causes us to abound in faith-fueled hope."
I love this part: "So pray with confidence. And pray for the strength that God supplies. And keep your eyes open for his answers. They may not look like your expectations. But you can be sure that even when he answers with a weakening agent, God is working to strengthen your understanding, strengthen your faith, and strengthen your hope in him." God, I am choosing to believe this about you!

Getting used to tears

I'm using this post as a means of bragging on my husband and praising the Lord for the gift He has given me in giving me Kennedy as a husband. As we've been going through the really long process of grief and long days of being drained, we've had to lean on each other more than ever. I'll admit that I lean on him quite a bit more often than he leans on me. And at the end of our processing conversations, he always points me back to the Lord. I'm so thankful for Kennedy because of this. God knew before time who He had chosen for me to be my best friend and I am praising the Lord throughout today for His loving kindness.
My "leaning on" Kennedy consists of tears. I'm getting used to them. If you ask anyone in my family/close friends, they'll tell you without a doubt that I NEVER cry...or it is very rare. If you were to ask my loving husband if I cry, I would be interested to know his answer. It is definitely "sometimes"/"occasionally". Growing up and before recent events, I gave in to crying when I was either really hurt or really sad. But something drastic, then, had to have happened in order for the tears to flow. Yesterday afternoon before church, I cried for a while. Kennedy would tell you it seemed to be caused by no apparent reason...But he was about to finish our reading of The Silver Chair, and I just started crying and had that stomach-deep pain. And then it hit me-the why. Even in our early stages of pregnancy, Kennedy would read to me. And we joked about it because it was too early for our baby to "hear", but he wanted to. My mind flashed forward to where we would be in our pregnancy now, and the baby would probably be able to "hear"---which would make The Silver Chair reading so special. My mind also flashed forward to what Kennedy will be like as a dad one day. I knew even before we were married that he would be an AMAZING dad....but yesterday as he was reading, I just couldn't help but think about how true that is of him. He loves to read to me. We take breaks from our tv show watching, because he wants to read. And I love it. And I know our kids will love it one day.
The Lord has been so gracious in using Kennedy's patience love and joy to point my weary heart back to Him. I told our pastor when he asked how we were doing that Kennedy had been a great blessing--and he said, "You have a great husband and an even greater God". That has resonated with me the past few weeks as I wrestle with what's in my heart and having to share that with Kennedy when I randomly start crying and how the Lord cares for me even more deeply--That in itself brings me comfort that I can share the sadness and depths of my heart with the One who created me and knows everything about me and loves me.

"He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them."

Psalm 145:19

Favorite Season

Fall is my favorite season. I love everything fall...the cooler weather, pumpkins, the colors of the leaves changing. At the beginning of fall this year, I could not have told you it was my "favorite". It has been my most difficult season of life. However, God has shown me His blessing and the power of His work in my heart that I would not have known if I had not gone through the difficulties. Blessings have come in all forms- people, provision of jobs, a newness of God's Word, and restoring work by the Spirit, and I am thankful.
A while back, my pastor in Memphis recommended a book he had read by Mark Buchanan called "Spiritual Rhythm- Being with Jesus every season of your soul". If you have not read it, you should check it out. For fall, this is what he describes:

"Biblically, fall captivates for a different reason: it's harvest time...The window between bumper crop and famine was an eye of the needle, narrow sometimes as a single day. A good crop was cause for great rejoicing. A blighted crop, deep distress. Harvest was a time to acknowledge God as provider: rainmaker, sun-keeper, storm-quencher. The season proved, yet again, God's enduring faithfulness. And it demonstrated, yet again, the utmost dependency of God's children on his faithfulness. The heart in fall is, in a word, expectant. Fall is for reaping and for storing, but it's also for feasting and thanking. I can choose what I sow. I can choose, because I have the Spirit, to sow that which pleases the Spirit. I can nurture the little seedlings of the Spirit's promptings- promptings to be a man of peace, of gentleness, of self-control, of love, and the like. And in due time, I will reap a harvest that's worth storing up.

My prayer is for the Lord's help in choosing to sow what pleases Him- in whatever season I am in- and to be thankful and look expectantly towards what is to come- something far greater than any disappointment or even earthly desire. 

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of the Lord is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away'. And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making ALL THINGS NEW'." Revelation 21:3-5

"Keep a Quiet Heart"- Elisabeth Elliot

My heart and mind are quick to forget that this is where I find the most joy- in truly being still, sitting and getting full on God's Word and writing His Truths in my journal and asking Him to press them on my heart. I'm sitting at Panera in my "quiet place" after just getting off the phone with a dear friend. I had already planned on coming to indulge myself in reading and writing, but after crying and catching up on life, she reminded me that one of the best and most necessary things we need as Christians is to be STILL. I've probably blogged about this before, but this afternoon, I am treasuring this time. I'm brought to tears thinking that my King wants more than anything to spend time with me, His child. I can't help but think He smiles when our thoughts are focused on Him.

My thoughts haven't really been about Him, to be honest. My thoughts today have been, "It's almost October...How much longer will my HcG levels be too high where we can't think about getting pregnant again?" Every time I look at my calendar I think about our loss and it invokes sadness, but then I think of future days and how impatient I become when my desire for the now is to be pregnant again. My longing has been for this earthly desire...when David says in Psalm 107:9,
For HE satisfies the longing soul, and the HUNGRY soul He fills with GOOD things. 
I'm asking the Lord to quiet my heart and my mind with all its questioning thoughts and to help me to be satisfied in Him. I love this quote I have written-

"Jesus, let our faithful mind rest, on Thee alone reclined; Every anxious thought repress, Keep our souls in perfect peace."- Charles Wesley

One of my favorite books is "Keep a Quiet Heart". When I am intentionally going to read somewhere, I'll take it with me and re-highlight some favorite quotes from dear Elisabeth. Before I add in some of her wisdom below, I am reading some entries in my journal that I have scribbled...
from Jesus Calling "Listening to HIM: I am speaking in the depths of your being...BE STILL so you can hear my voice. Living close to Me requires making Me your first love- your highest priority".
"Trust in Him at ALL times, o people; pour out your hearts to him for GOD is our Refuge." Ps 62:8
Lord, I trust you, I believe you, but help my trust and belief in difficult times. Help me to trust you at ALL times. 

My prayer is that this time today brings me closer to Him and my days would be filled with His presence- captivating my thoughts and my heart's desire and my trust would be strengthened, my joy deepened in Him. Elisabeth E. says, "If through losing what this world prizes we are enabled to gain what it despises- treasure in heaven, invisible and incorruptible- isn't it worth any kind of suffering? What is it worth to us to learn a little bit more of what the Cross means- life out of death, the transformation of earth's losses and heartbreaks and tragedies? Poverty has not been my experience, but God has allowed in the lives of each of us some sort of loss, the withdrawal of something we valued, in order that we may learn to offer ourselves a little more willingly, to allow the touch of death on one more thing we have clutched so tightly, and thus know fullness and freedom and joy that much sooner. We're not naturally inclined to love God and seek His Kingdom. Trouble may help to incline us- that is, it may tip us over, put some pressure on us, lean us in the right direction".

My Portion and My Strength- Ellie Holcomb

"Help me to know stand on the promise that You are holding my right hand...Help me believe---that You will be my portion and my strength"

I have begun to appreciate more than ever the friendships God has given me. Even in the rush of day to day life, short conversations or even texts can be uplifting and encouraging to our circumstances. I have found that especially with friends and family not in Kansas, it is hard to work around busy schedules and find time to sit and talk on the phone for minutes or hours at a time. Texting has been my "go-to" as far as communication goes. The reason I tell you this is because for the past couple of weeks, the Lord has used a text my sister in law sent that said this, "It can be hard to carry this type of burden. Thankfully we are yoked onto God who shoulders it for us". I simply needed to remember and believe, God is shouldering my burden of weariness and worry. For about a week, I was exhausted. I was in constant busy-ness, worry, and a state of mind that was trying to be in control or fix things going on...but hearing these words, I felt something huge lifted off of me. I felt lighter and free. My sister in law probably did not know that at that time this treasure from the Lord was used in my life, but it was and still is. So here we are almost a month and a half after the miscarriage occurred. I think time does heal, but more importantly, the Lord is teaching me that HE alone heals our deepest wounds. As I go about the busyness of my days, I don't have time to think about what's happened, which is good; but last night before we went to sleep, I laid my head on the pillow and all of the sudden, I just started crying. Poor Kennedy SO dislikes when I cry, that he wants to know what is wrong and will ask until I am able to tell him. Last night I felt so silly that I started crying out of the blue. But telling him my hurt was another burden lifted, and another reminder that Christ takes on our burdens for us and beckons us to call out to Him and lay our burdens down. 

I love this song by Ellie Holcomb- SO good. 

John Piper

Loving this quote from John Piper that comes towards the end of this song: 

"Not only is your affliction momentary, not only is your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is TOTALLY meaningful.

Every millisecond of your pain from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism, I don't care if it was slander or sickness, it wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something. It's not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing, don’t look to what is seen. When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and it takes her out, don’t say ‘it’s meaningless’, its not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory. Therefore DO NOT lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.”

John Piper

Praise

So I feel like the last few posts have been marked by honesty- my complaints before God, uncertainty at times how to continue grieving but also finding the joy that we have in Him.
Do you ever have those moments where your heart is full of gratitude and you can't help but stop whatever you're in the middle of and praise the Lord in prayer, thanking Him for all of the good things, even the "bad" things in your life? You stop and are comforted that the Holy Spirit is at work in your heart- He's doing something!
Yesterday, I had one of those moments that brought me to the verge of tears (and I was driving, which is never good through eyes filled with liquid). And they were tears of joy.
I shadowed a hygienist yesterday at a non-profit organization's dental clinic where I will hopefully be working every Tuesday. I talked with the dental director there, also a hygienist, about hours and my role in the clinic. This job, and the job I have as a clinical instructor at the dental hygiene program here, are two of my "dream jobs" in this field.
In the car on the drive back was one of those moments where my heart was bursting with gratitude and praise. After calling my mom, I shut off the radio and just started thanking the Lord out loud for His provision.

God has proven over and over again that He knows exactly where I am, exactly what I need, and although it may not be what I think I need at that time, He is faithful in carrying me through it and allowing me to know more of Him. I thought of these verses from Psalm 104 that say, 

"O Lord, how manifold are your works! In wisdom you have made them all; the earth is full of your creatures...These are look to you, to give them their food in due season. When you give it to them, they gather it up; When you open your hand, they are filled with good things...May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works. I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being". 

HE provides. Praise. Rejoice. We have MUCH in Him.

new normal

This morning, I am having a hard time putting down a book that a good friend sent me in the mail: "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith, a woman of faith who lost a baby that lived for two hours. At 18 weeks pregnant with her daughter, the doctors diagnosed the baby with conditions that would leave the baby "incompatible with life". I think it goes without saying, that this morning as I read this book, my face is covered with tears and I can't put it down.
My new normal these days is trying to get through each day without dwelling on our circumstances and hoping that the pain will lessen and lessen and just eventually disappear. I try to avoid eye contact with new mommies in grocery stores, because I'm not sure if I can handle the pain that is still so real that I feel in my heart and stomach. I try to keep in my tears when I think about what is physically going on in my body and that I don't know what to expect from one day to the next. I try to hold it together and seem strong when faced with the question- "How are you doing?" I try to avoid thinking that- YES, the world, and life continue to go on around me, when I just want time to stop so I don't have to continue in my grieving. My new normal is that I am "TRYING", which is because I have always been tough. My personality is that when something has hit me in my circumstances with a striking blow, I am sad for a little bit, and then I make myself move on and try to forget the pain. What I am realizing through this loss and time of grief is the Lord whispering to me in my sadness, "Danielle, let yourself be weak. Come to me with your tears and let Me hold you." He is the only One I can trust with my weakness, for then, He will make me strong. My new normal is to stop trying and forcing, and instead, know my weakness and give all to the Lord. The other day, I had an FRG welcoming party for a wife to one of the new commanders at Fort Riley. All of the spouses were invited. Although I do well in meeting new groups of people, I felt that whole day that for some reason I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't put on a mask that day to fake being "OK" and "I'm good, how are you" phrasing. That afternoon before our church service (and the FRG party following), Kennedy asked me if I wanted to go. I broke down in tears and said "I don't know". I told him that I have not felt my normal self the past week and a half since we found out about the miscarriage. I told him I am usually excited to go and meet new people, but I just couldn't do it that day. A huge part of me wanted to go to be a support for Kennedy since he will be taking command soon and I want my actions to reflect well on his career and role in the unit. I told him I have always been able to, even in sadness, pick myself up and go and do things which usually ends up being good for me. He just let me cry with my head on his chest and said in his calming voice, "Hey..Danielle...I know you are strong. I know you CAN do this and go, but what I care about right now is not what makes me look good- I care about you." Of course, my tears flowed even more. Another instance where God was speaking to me- "Let yourself be weak, for then I am strong".
I made it to church a couple of hours after that conversation with Kennedy...throughout the hymns we sang as a congregation, I fought back tears. We sang "O Church Arise" and this verse ignited emotions:

"So Spirit, come, put strength in every stride, Give grace for every hurdle,

That we may run with faith to win the prize

Of a servant good and faithful. 

As saints of old still line the way, Retelling triumphs of His grace,

We hear their calls and hunger for the day 

When, with Christ, we stand in glory".

And from "It Is Well With My Soul":

"When peace like a river

Attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

WHATEVER my lot

Thou has taught me to say

It is well, It is well with my soul".

WHATEVER my lot. "Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight". I dog-eared pretty much every other page in this book by Angie Smith..Here are some parts I found that have been my experience that she puts so well into words:

"He isn't threatened by my heartbreak and questioning any more than He is threatened by a rainstorm. He knows that rain will fall. He knows that I will fall. And so, on a long drive home, I gave my deepest hurt to the Father who wanted nothing less than every bit of it. What I needed to learn about myself was clear in that moment...I DID believe in Him enough to call out. I trusted Him enough to share the brokenness, even though He already knew it all."

"We saw each other for what we were- women who were often just going through the motions of NORMALCY, partly for our children and partly for ourselves. I began to realize that THIS was going to be a part of my new life because the world has a way of going on all around you even when you are in the depths of sorrow that belie its pace and fervor."

"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him."

Job 13:15

One year ago

One year ago today, Kennedy and I got married. After much counsel with our parents and our pastors last August when we found out Kennedy was to deploy, we made the decision to get married at Fort Riley and have a "celebration" in 2014 when Kennedy would return. It is funny to think back on the thoughts whirling in our minds. We made pro/con lists about going ahead and getting married before he left...I overanalyzed the fact that I was still working and was in Nashville and what would people think? Would they think we were getting married for other reasons than why we really were? I can remember vividly what I was thinking the week or two before we got married. But past all of the thoughts, our prayer was that we would decide based on what the Lord wanted for us and based on the counsel we sought from our pastors and parents. It was the day before we were leaving for Memphis that we both had unexplainable peace that we knew getting married was the right decision. We drove to Memphis from Nashville, spent the night with my parents...told them our decision. And the next morning I got up and walked with my dad to talk about marriage, any other words of wisdom he could share, and to tell him how much we loved him and appreciated him and my mom. And then we drove the long 10 1/2 hours to Kansas, checked into our hotel rooms, and grabbed dinner, watched a movie, and prayed that the next day we would be able to get a judge to sign a waiver that would allow us to go ahead and get a marriage license over the weekend (when in Kansas there is a 3 day waiting period). In reality, we went to Kansas not really knowing if we would actually be able to get a judge to sign the waiver...so we really didn't know if we would actually be able to get married. But we knew that if it didn't work out, that God was in control of all of the details.
Friday morning, August 16th, we exercised (of course), drove down to the courthouse when they opened, and waited for a judge...It did not look hopeful as the receptionist told us all of the judges that day were tied up but we could leave and call around 11/12 to see if someone was available at that time. We did that. However, we got a little anxious because our "appointment" with the chaplain to marry us was set for 2 pm. The next day he was deploying for Afghanistan. I am pretty sure hearts were racing, anxieties and blood pressures rising as we just sat in the hotel and ate lunch and waited. We called after what seemed like forever at about 12 and one of the judges would be able to sign. We drove back to the courthouse, got the waiver signed, got a marriage license- YAY-, and drove to Fort Riley's chapel to meet the chaplain and have our ceremony. His daughters came with him, probably 8 and 4 years old, and took a video which somehow got deleted, and the chaplain snapped one photo at the end. And that was our wedding day. One year ago.
That Sunday, August 18th, I flew back to Nashville to be back at work that Monday. Kennedy stayed back in KS and started doing pre-deployment training and in-processing. We made plans for the next weekends to fly back and forth to see each other. We did not tell friends until about a week or so after this occurred. It was so difficult to keep it in, but for that period of time, I didn't know what or how to tell them without them thinking we got married for other reasons. If you know me, it is hard for me to keep a secret. My parents found it hard to tell their friends and their Sunday school class! What a week!
What a YEAR. A LOT has happened. Our marriage started out long distance for about 3 months- traveling from Nashville to KS, various moves for both of us, a "short" deployment for Kennedy, wedding celebration planning that was this past June, our recent pregnancy news and miscarriage, finally feeling settled here in Manhattan and joining our church...SO much. God has blessed us immeasurably.

Unrelenting

The word "unrelenting" has come to the forefront of my mind in the recent days. I have heard it throughout my life and knew what it meant, but I always find myself having to look up the definition. The meaning just doesn't stick in my memory. According to dictionary.com it means "not yielding or swerving in determination or resolution, not easing or slackening in severity, maintaining effort, vigor, intensity". The context from which I have heard this word my whole life is in sermons on God's unrelenting love, grace, goodness. The past few days I have known and needed more than ever God's UNRELENTING love and grace and, in addition, His presence. It seems in suffering, I learn so much about myself, the Lord, and my response to Him through all of it. I was comforted by a friend to know that our response will not always be perfect and if it was in the hard times, then we wouldn't need Jesus. But I am thankful for the Holy Spirit's work in my heart that turns me to God and comforts me.
Kennedy and I learned in June when we returned from our ceremony/honeymoon vacation that we would be expecting our first baby in February. For twelve weeks, we have anticipated hopes and dreams for this baby we would meet and raise and love. We prayed over its health, spiritual and physical. Our families were thrilled, supportive, and encouraging. And in a 45 minute appointment last Thursday, our hopes and dreams were shattered in one sentence from our doctor during an ultrasound- "The gestational sac has formed and developed well, but unfortunately, there is no baby". I only remember bits and pieces of that appointment, but during the ultrasound, all I can remember is squinting my eyes and praying that they would be able to find the baby. I blankly looked at the doctor, nodded, and it was as if I couldn't even hear words coming from her mouth as she was telling us options of what to do next and what to expect in the next weeks as the miscarriage would eventually take place. With Kennedy sitting in the room, I wanted to be strong and hold my emotions together, but I looked at him and broke down in uncontrollable tears- in unbelief of what we just heard and thinking to myself I had let him down, my parents down, his parents down, etc.
I think this is grief I never thought possible. Your stomach and insides just hurt. We are getting past initial shock and yes, we are hopeful in that this does not indicate anything for the future regarding having children, but the reality of miscarriage and the pain it entails goes with you...even in day to day conversations. Having to tell our neighbor who we had just told that we were pregnant what we are facing now. When we got to the doctor tomorrow for more bloodwork and they had not put in my chart yet at the front desk that I was to have a miscarriage, the receptionist asks, "Were you aware that your OB won't be here January/February, did you have a preference for another OB you would rather see for this pregnancy?" I couldn't really formulate my words, but somehow got out that we had a miscarriage...and she just stared at her computer and didn't really respond.
My constant prayer is that we would trust God's sovereignty and goodness. I have been encouraged by several friends and family to remember God is sovereign and He is good.
What is the good news from here? Where does my heart in this dark place see the unrelenting love and grace of our Heavenly Father?
...written in His Word. His very heart for us is to know Him more deeply and ultimately His name to be lifted higher than anything. I have been replaying events in my life of God's faithfulness since our appointment Thursday...asking the Lord to constantly remind me of times of heartbreak in my past that He used to teach me something about Himself and to have me come to the place on my knees again where I see my true need for Him and that He meets me, comforts me, and is with me.
There are times now and in the coming days where these truths my heart and mind know and believe in will seem distant or dim...but I pray for the Lord to work in my heart to remind me He is unrelenting.
We have felt wrapped in so much love and prayer through friends and family that without their encouragement I don't know where we would be.
On his way to work today, Kennedy said to listen to "Pray" by Sanctus Real which he heard in the car. I listened to it, couldn't help but cry, and then I had to look up the lyrics:

"I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying 

Cause I was made to come to You...

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray."

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit". Psalm 34:18

"Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God...I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love, because you have seen my affliction; you have known the distress of my soul, and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place". Psalm 31

Puzzles!

So, I thought I'd share my thoughts on what puzzles and life can be like- which may be a stretch of an analogy...But remember, these are just my scatter-brained thoughts.

Kennedy and I bought a 2,000 piece puzzle the other day...I chose to buy the more intricate-colored, difficult puzzle to give me something to do in the coming weeks while Kennedy is working and I have yet to find a job.

This puzzle is one of those that all the colors look the same, any piece could practically fit anywhere, it is...hard.

Last night we were putting some of the last edge pieces together after going through the 2,000 pieces TWICE to actually find all of the edge pieces and I caught myself thinking about "the bigger picture". Our reference, of course, was the box top and the "bonus" poster that came in the box. I thought to myself that as a believer, my "reference" is Christ and His Word. Does my life align with His truths?

Another thought crossed my mind as I got really frustrated because either I couldn't find the right piece to complete my row of edge pieces or what I was trying to fit together wasn't fitting together...until I found the exact piece I needed and my frustrations settled. This is how life can be...We all have pieces that we have in life that seem like they fit and some we question how in the world could they possibly be a part of God's plan? But then it's like an "aha" moment when we have that one experience or reminder of God's faithful hand in a particular situation...and we remember to go back to our reference...that all of the pieces fit as a part of His plan. Instead of focusing on the bigger picture of God's glory revealed and His name being glorified and made known, I tend to focus on those puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit and I get really frustrated when the puzzle isn't going my way.

I also thought of one more thing...It would be even more challenging doing this puzzle alone. We need each other.

I've most likely botched this analogy and made no sense of how puzzles/putting them together are like life, but the Lord was working in my heart and thoughts last night putting the puzzle together, and I had to share them.

And three weeks later

Three weeks ago, Kennedy and I started our "vacation/block leave" of traveling and celebrating our marriage with family and friends. I have to say that three weeks goes by really fast. The first week, we were at the beach, the second week we were in Memphis doing last minute wedding errands and spending time with family and friends, and the last week we were in Cloudland, GA, close to Chattanooga. We SO enjoyed our break, but again, it has been a whirlwind of different events. Last night, we pulled into Manhattan and talked about the fact that we were glad we were home. Kennedy is getting back into work, I'll be studying for my dental hygiene KS laws exam, and working on my resume to start applying for jobs. I'm thankful to take a deep breath in our home and start getting back into the swing of what everyday life will look like.
Our wedding weekend was perfect and everything we hoped it was going to be! The families got to meet for the first time, extended families were in town that we don't get to see often, close friends from all walks of life were there...everything flowed smoothly. Two moments I will never forget: 1) Seeing Kennedy before the ceremony after I read his letter and 2) When the doors opened and I was about to walk down the aisle with my dad...I started tearing up seeing the sanctuary in its beauty, and it was beautiful with flowers, but it was beauty that came from the fact that God was there and our hope was for our ceremony and celebration to be worshipful and focused on Him. I said to my dad as the doors opened, trying not to cry, "It is beautiful and what I wanted---worshipful". I also started tearing up walking down the aisle, seeing so many family members and friends who have walked life with us and shaped us into who we are today. Each person who was a part of our day has encouraged me and sharpened me in growing closer to the Lord. I finally gathered my tears together as we sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness". I looked around at our bridesmaids and groomsmen and could only see how God has been faithful in individual stories and also our friendships.
Instead of a guest book to sign, we had a Bible at the reception for people to initial by or sign their names by a favorite verse. We have so enjoyed reading what some favorite verses are and will treasure this as a gift forever. Here are some that different people shared:
Numbers 6:24-26 The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be STRONG and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Joshua 24:15 But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.
Job 38
Job 42:1 I know that you can do all things and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
Ps 18:2 the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Ps 20:7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
Ps 23
Ps 25:12-14 Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.
Ps 27:4 and 13-14 Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear, though war rise against me, yet I will be confident. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
and 12- Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence.
Ps 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord. and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Ps 61:2-3 from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.
Ps 71:1-6 in you O Lord do I take refuge; let me never be put to shame! In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me; incline your ear to me and save me! Be to me a rock of refuge, to which I may continually come; you have given the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Rescue me O my God from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of the unjust and cruel man. For you O Lord are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth. Upon you I have leaned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb. My praise is continually of you.
Ps 91:1-2 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, "my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust".
Ps 119
Ps 123 To you I lift up my eyes, O you who are enthroned in the heavens!
Ps 139:17-18 How precious to me are your thoughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.
Proverbs 7
Isaiah 26:3-4 You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.
Isaiah 40:3-5 A voice cries "in the wilderness prepare the way of the Lord; make straight in the desert a highway for our God. Every valley shall be lifted up, and every mountain and hill be made low; the uneven ground shall become level, and the rough places a plain. And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken.
Isaiah 43:1-3 But now thus says the Lord he who created you O Jacob, he who formed you O Israel: Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire, you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Lamentations 3:22-24 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul, therefore I will hope in him.
Micah 6:8 He has told you O man what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.
Zephaniah 3:17 the Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
Acts 20:24 But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.
Romans 8:1-3 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do.
Romans 8:26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.
1 Cor 13
Ephesians 1:3-4 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.
Ephesians 1:15-17 for this reason, because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him.
Ephesians 2:8 for by grace you have been saved  through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God.
Philippians 1:9-10 And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.
Philippians 2:4-11
Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
v 8 Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Colossians 3:23 whatever you do, work heartily, as for the LORD and not for men.
2 Tim 4:7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
Hebrews 12 Therefore since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and sin which clings so closely and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith...
James 1:2-4 Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
1 Peter 1:6 in this you rejoice, though now for a little while if necessary you have been grieved by various trials so that the tested genuineness of your faith- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
Jude 2 May mercy, peace, and love be multiplied to you.



Our parents' favorites were especially special to us. His dad underlined:
Joshua 1:8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it.
My mom underlined:
2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people who are called by my name humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
My dad underlined:
Ps 115:2-3 why should the nations say, Where is their God? Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

"After all, you are only good"- Not for a Moment

This is a song I go back to a lot, especially when I am driving, windows down, and feel like singing loudly. Thinking back over the few years and especially the past year, these lyrics nudge me to be more and more grateful for God's perfect plan and timing. Through the past years, God has had to work in my admittedly stubborn self to let go of what I thought I wanted and thought was part of His plan and to grab hold of His hand and trust and follow where He was leading. I can't help but listen to "Not for a Moment" and not think of my past, present, and future as being completely mapped out for me by my Heavenly Father, who is, has, and will be faithful in sparing me from what I think I want and what I deem best. I could go into detail on my past, on what I thought was best for my life, on trying to control situations, on being so inner focused that I could not see a way out- but I will simply say that if it weren't for those times and seeing God working in those events and in my hardest of hearts, I don't think I would be able to express what I know to be good and true of Him. This morning, I came across 1 Timothy 1:14-17...

"and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the ONLY God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

Amen. HE is the ONLY God. I need the Holy Spirit to remind mySELF of that every second of every day!

I am grateful for God's perfect patience with me, a sinner- stubborn in my desires and what I want to control and plan out for my life. Strengthening in daily submission to His purposes and Lordship is my prayer. "After all, You are constant. After all, You are good." We never know what He will take and bring us through...but we can know and be confident that He is constant, only good, sovereign, and will not forsake us if we are in Him...no matter if we are in the dark and can only hear His whispering promises.

You were reaching through the storm 
Walking on the water 
Even when I could not see 
In the middle of it all 
When I thought You were a thousand miles away 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

After all You are constant 
After all You are only good 
After all You are sovereign 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 

You were singing in the dark 
Whispering Your promise 
Even when I could not hear 
I was held in Your arms 
Carried for a thousand miles to show 
Not for a moment did You forsake me 

And every step every breath You are there 
Every tear every cry every prayer 
In my heart at my worst 
When my world falls down 
Not for a moment will You forsake me 
Even in the dark 
Even when it's hard 
You will never leave me 
After all 

Wisdom

For the past few weeks, Betty (an older lady that Kennedy and I met at the apartment gym when we were living here in November) has been inviting us to a Bible study that she and her husband have been doing for the past 12 weeks with one of the apartment employees. The employee that we have met a few times claims Catholicism, but I don't think she has had a steady study of the Bible according to Betty. After hearing this, Betty and her husband befriended her and have been going through the book of John verse by verse- to which the employee has been very receptive. Hesitantly, Kennedy and I considered whether or not to commit to the study and last night was the start of a new study as they just finished the book of John. We were hesitant only because we don't want to over commit ourselves, yet Betty's loving persistence of inviting us over for a while now motivated us to go last night. I think we are also interested in this multi-generational type studying of God's Word...AND they are our neighbors which means we can just walk over :) I love that the friendship Betty built with this girl who is around our age has grown into Betty and her husband opening up their home to her and studying the Word of God together.
So last night, we met Roger, Betty's husband, for the first time. We of course have heard about him and Betty's family since November, but actually meeting him in person was really good! We sat down, thinking that they were only discussing what they were doing next, not knowing they had already just started their new study in the book of James. Thankfully, we came prepared with our Bibles...because Roger calls you out. Verse by verse we dove into the book of James, with Roger asking one person after the other to read reference verses he had pulled out from his studies. "Wisdom...", Roger said, "comes from this book alone"---pointing to the Bible. Saying this ever so confidently, as if he believed it. He asked me what I thought wisdom was...I think I formulated some kind of answer but he said wisdom is a skill of living...and as James 1:5 says- if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God.
Wisdom isn't something that comes overnight...it is a part of our spiritual growth. But we must seek it and be committed to trusting God's Word unwaveringly. We read from Proverbs 2 towards the end of our study last night...which I still find fascinating every time I read it. I can't help but think to myself, do I really seek for wisdom as if it were silver or hidden treasures?
Here is some of chapter 2---good stuff:

My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding; yes, if you call out for insight and raise your voice (or cry out) for understanding, if you seek it like SILVER and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom, from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints. Then you will understand righteousness and justice and equity, every good path; for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, understanding will guard you, delivering you from the way of evil..."

John Piper says, "The fear of the Lord is, therefore, the beginning of wisdom not only in the sense that it is the first step in a wise way to live, but also in the sense that all the later characteristics of wisdom flow from the fear of the Lord like a river flows from a spring....

To know and love and follow this Jesus is to own the treasure of ultimate and eternal happiness. Therefore, the command, "Get wisdom," means first and foremost "Come to Jesus! Come to Jesus!" in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom."

Philippians 4:8

Kennedy and I have often talked about our favorite verses. Philippians 4:8 is one of his and has become one of mine. I'm sitting at a coffee shop in the Little Apple after meeting a friend for coffee and flipped to this verse. I brought along the laptop, my Bible, and some pens- becoming essentials to my morning routine. When I flipped to this verse, I thought to myself, how can anything I read be applicable to my life right now? I am living what seems a monotonous life to me...I'm not working currently, I am done with school for good, and I know I have been saying this in previous posts, but I am praying through what my purpose is right now in this season. I am almost craving an abnormal experience right now in life...not necessarily (at all) something like Kennedy being deployed again but something that is life-changing or challenging for me. But... what God desires of me and longs from me no matter where I am is my whole heart, soul, and mind. Right now, then, that encourages my heart to know that the Creator of the universe longs for me to love Him and know Him more each day. This brings me to Philippians 4:8. "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things". Even in the mundane, this is my calling of obedience to Christ's love for me.
Our faith is also not meant to be stagnant, but constantly growing and in motion upwards as we allow Christ to work in our hearts. So Colossians has many "growth" verbs- 2:6- Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so WALK in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving. 4:2- CONTINUE steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. Hebrews 13:15 Through him then let us CONTINUALLY OFFER UP a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name. 2 John:6 And this is love, that we WALK according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should WALK in it.
This prayer in one sentence came from a book I'm reading called "Comforts from the Cross" that says:
Teach us to walk closely in step with You and to believe in what we cannot see from the threshing floor.
Amen.

Relationship

So yesterday marked the last meeting of our church's women's book study for the semester. It was only my second time to go and even though I haven't been reading the book (A Hole in Our Holiness, Kevin DeYoung), I have so enjoyed the discussion and of course the women in the group! I have to say that this week's discussion was one of the most encouraging discussions I've been a part of, and I think the reason for that is because of the honesty that filled the room. It encouraged me that our faith is not meant to go through alone...we need each other, the body of believers, to walk through life with together. A common theme that ran through our discussion was that our faith is ultimately about relationship, not about a "checklist" and marking things off like prayer, Bible reading, church, etc. It is about our hearts. Something that got me thinking was when one of my friends asked how differently our faith would be and how our approach to faith would be if we treated our relationship with Jesus as we do our closest earthly friendships. Obviously, we should consider Him in infinitely much greater value than earthly friendships; but if we really stop and think about it...as with our communication with our closest friends, is He the first one we want to talk to about something...is He on our mind throughout the day...is our relationship with Him more than a checklist...do we make time for Him?
After the book study, I went to Tuttle Creek state park, impulsively bought a year pass that is good for all KS state parks, and spread a blanket out under a tree with my Bible, notebook, and book "Comforts from the Cross" spread out. I opened my Bible to Isaiah and just started reading, praying God would open my eyes to something new. Within the first chapter I read,

"Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes, cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. Come now let us reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are WILLING and OBEDIENT, you shall eat the good of the land". 

I am thankful that God has made me clean through His Son...and my prayer is that in response to His mercy and love, I would be willing and obedient in following Him. Reading through this book of the Bible yesterday, God refreshed my eyes to seeing the bigger story. 

"Behold, this has touched your lips, your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for". 

No matter my failings, inconsistencies, unbelief, and doubts, Jesus has covered them all. What freedom there is in that, in responding to Him, in obeying Him, in turning from our sin, in communicating with Him, in loving Him. 

"The Lord waits to be gracious to you". 

He is patient. Another thing DeYoung mentions in the book that someone brought up was that God wants us to tell Him we love Him, He loves to hear that from us. As our Father and friend, this makes sense. It got me to thinking how often do I tell God I love Him? 

Yesterday's discussion and intentional quiet time in the Word with little distractions were just what I needed. And what I need daily. Minute by minute communion with God throughout each day. Prayer: God, encourage my heart to continue being mindful of You.